The Holistic Blog

My continued interest in spirituality and sexuality is now being pursued at this new address: https://coachingandhealing.blogspot.com

See you over at the blog!

Yay, the new blog is up

It is official, this blog no longer suits my post-breakup personality and does not serve my refined beliefs regarding love, relationships and much of the new Tantric sexuality teachings. 
Feel free to browse it, to see my transformation and follow the rocky journey that I have been on in the past 3 years.
In my opinion, life will never be a complete paradise if we wish to truly LIVE it.
And, that's OK. 
I am now confident that I can be your guide in all matters spiritual and sexual.
Why?
I am a wabi-sabi broken human pottery, a spirit junkie, an absolute feminine woman and I enjoy sex and sensuality!
Stay tuned.

WRITING THIS 10 MONTHS LATER....

It's time for a new blog theme...
I just read my last post: "My year 2018 in brief"
Well, well, well... it looks plain and clear....
I've listed new year's resolutions that never happened. 
So what have I manifested ?
Let me ask more productively, what was I manifesting -  if I couldn't even remember what I had planned for myself on the New Year?
I spent 5 months in Asia (Bali, Malaysia, Singapore), before returning to Europe in June. I enjoyed doing yoga and other shit: Working on myself and 'fixing' myself. Oh boy, did it not work! 😂
I learned, I healed, I tried, I loved, I fucked up, I picked myself up, run around a little more, and then run back to Europe, back to work. It was about time.
On top of it all, there was a little family emergency.

The first half of the year was interesting, like from a movie, then there was the transition again, a massive breakthrough in England - a place that used to serve as the very first 'home away from home' for a fresh (and lost) 18 year-old me. Perhaps I was less lost back then than this summer while turning 32. 
I spent my birthday with a new crush and a coupla good friends of mine. The new interest hasn't lasted long (from his side), but I enjoyed the 1-2 months in London. The city is awesome and it's not for me. It is what it is and ten million people in one smoggy place felt just too much. I couldn't wait to leave. 
After my crazy realisation, which was of a sexual nature, of course, I made peace with the challenging 'English' times and welcomed the old-new exciting Czech times. 
In Prague, I experienced many, many sexual relations, again... like a starving person who hasn't eaten in a year... or properly in 3 years to be precise. So... I reclaimed my sexuality and I never ever wanna be away from it for too long. 
My Australian ex-boyfriend knew too well... Good that we got together and even better that we separated. A little worse that it took me so long to get over it all, but again, thank Goodness that I did. 

Coming up to the final 2 months of 2019... I feel... incomplete. Like I would repeat my caged rat on a wheel story of the first half of 2019 and perfectly see that nothing has changed. Sure, I travelled, went through exciting times, love affairs, adventures, exotic friendships and enjoyed the lifestyle that many people dream of... yet... I have not done any of those things that I had planned last year. Career-wise not much moved and my romantic love life is still non-existent. But - Maybe, maybe everything's unfolding exactly as it should...
I wonder why do I always feel so positive?

I am still so positive.
Even though I have not much to show for it.

Well... In the previous post I did hint that the proper break would happen in 2020. Stability...was that my plan? Where?
As always, not having a clue what's the destination, but here I go! Head first. 😹

Watch out for a new blog coming soon!

My year 2018 in brief

Yesterday in Prague...
Here we go again. I enjoyed watching the fireworks from my balcony in peace and quiet, sober, alone by choice and definitely not lonely. I stood wrapped up in a towel straight out of the shower. It wasn't very cold at the threshold of the room and the terrace. I wished happiness to all the people who were celebrating and those who weren't (me). I felt stoked and ready to prepare for an epic new year. Fireworks possibly served as symbols of something great passing and something excellent to come.
For the first 5 minutes, that's it.
Do we really need to be banging and cheering all night?
My thoughts turned toward annoyance, then to surrender and lastly, compassion.

I closed the balcony door and hopped into bed for an evening (well - midnight) prayer-meditation. In the end, I managed to block out the noise and drift into a blissful sleep.
I bet that not many European people woke up at 9am on January 1st all rosy cheeks with a clear mind and excited for breakfast like I did! (I prepared a healthy raw chocolate mouse the night before.)
Perfect.

2018 started off with a champagne toast, watching the fireworks on the beach with my dear Indonesian friend and classmate Michelle and a few other people outside of SkyCity in Darwin. Our new year's celebration finished with boogie in the local Wisdom bar.

Taking advantage of the school holidays, I traveled to escape Darwin's monsoons, heat and crazy people. I could never seem to escape myself nevertheless.
Adelaide, Melbourne, Perth, back to Adelaide, Sydney...

I successfully resisted temptations to have sex with my past apathetic lovers as I wanted to stick to my vow of celibacy for a year (which I made in November 2017). In February I enrolled in Marie Forleo's expensive B-school, I let go of my apartment and moved in with Lida to be her live-in nanny. I fell in love with her children. Meanwhile, I wrote two short e-books: Tantra: The path to conscious sexuality and Transitioning: The nine steps to take towards more freedom, happiness and health in your life.

I went on soul-searching journeys in the rough, wet wilderness nearby Lida's house every evening. I've seen the most breathtaking sunsets in my life from the cliffs as well as from our doorstep. I felt loved, protected, thankful and somewhat surrendered in the condition that I found myself in - dependent, grieving over the long-lost past, and transitioning - yet again. Times in Darwin couldn't be more lonely, melancholic, harsh and also strangely exhilarating at the same time. I spent many hours in meditation, walking in nature, drinking red wine, missing my family in Czech and feeling very horny and then very asexual, almost masculine. I was single, celibate, looking after kids that were not my own, having a very little income from my trade - Tantric massages and life coaching - in the small sleepy Darwin and feeling too drained to travel to other cities to work with more suitable clients. My online marketing, even with the help of B-school, looked nothing but tragic.
Still afraid of visibility, authenticity in public and steady exposure on social media? Really, Pavlina?

My SAD (seasonal affective disorder) did not help to stay 'present'.
I moved out of Lida's, still keeping a very close friendship. It was time to live my own life again and rent a sharehouse with other young and single people and a cute puppy.... yes, there came my new unexplored love for dogs. Since then, literally, I am obsessed by the thought of getting my own little pet (once I settle, of course)

My friendship with Matt, the landlord, changed from an uncomfortably tense to a tender and trustworthy connection. I could see the blessing of meeting that guy on my first visit in Darwin 1,5 months earlier. Who would have thought he'd helped me on so many occasions without wanting anything in return! I met a few predators too- Lida's brother, an Airbnb guy in Burleigh, and a couple of men in Czech (talk for later).

The weather indeed affects my mood.

Even as the depressing rainy months turned into very pleasant dry days and chilly nights, I still struggled to see myself staying in Darwin beyond my schoolwork; therefore, I began to plan my relocation back down to Queensland.
Luckily, I found some short internships on the coast.
I reached Brisbane late June. My work has picked up. I reunited with my friends, old clients, I got myself a proper website and prepared workshops as my creativity soared again.
I celebrated my 31st as my 3rd birthday in that city to the day! (This time I celebrated calmly, maturely and still looking like 22. Just. 😛)
My 28th, by the way, was also celebrated in Australia. With the one who must not be named.
I kept saying "no" to two of my Brisbane crushes.... you know who they are.

While experimenting with living in my favorite place - the spiritual town of Byron Bay, I received a call from a Gold Coast man interested in my healing. He would later become my close friend, a shelter-provider and a driving instructor.
I joined Kundalini dance series with Patricia that changed my life over again. Everything I needed was on the Gold Coast, so somewhat it made sense to leave the slightly pretentious Byron and move to the (even more so) pretentious, haha, GC - but at least the GC people know it and wear it as a badge of honor!
I liked my time there, however, I was bored frequently...

In October I left for Sydney where I woke from the dead.
My sexuality was at its peak and at 11 months and 1 day I consciously decided to end my year-long experiment. I wrote down all the benefits of celibacy in some previous posts and also documented the negatives...
I learned a lot about myself and my needs out of the bed - which I can and MUST provide for myself alone - thus, it's time to get the right man to fulfill my needs in the bed.

It's been great so far 😊

Sydney was perfect for breaking the fast and never regretting my choice(s), Bali gave me a strong energy experience and a short post-coital infatuation, Prague de-stressed me to the deepest core...
I trust you get the picture since I have been known to keep the kinkiest details to myself 😉
So yes, I am a happier woman when living active sex life.

Back to the end of October... I decided enough was of Australian adventures, no need to extend my visa, bought my plane tickets to Bali and to Germany to assist Amma, the spiritual guru, on her tour nearby my best friend's house. Bali stay was short but oh so magical... I know I must go there more often.
I spent a beautiful week with nearly no jet-lag with O. and her husband in a small German town. There, I also managed to get my first paid client for long-term virtual coaching sessions!!!!
Then I set on my final journey to reunite with my dear family in the Czech Republic after 2,5 years of absence.

Little did I know that my mind prepared a little surprise for me.

A mysterious sickness overwhelmed me (wait for it).
After 5 days of persistent high fevers and a worsening rash, my sister sent me off to the GP. Discovering an infection, they rushed me to a hospital.
The doctor announced they'd keep me there.
I got x-rays, ultrasounds etc. Numerous blood tests declined malaria, typhus and other diseases until one test revealed antibodies for Rickettsia. Apparently from a tick or a flea bite.

Really?

The third try of antibiotics helped. After 7 days (of which 2 were finally fever-less) I was released.
To my own surprise, I spent nearly a month very depressed. Despite always inclining towards the bright side, at one point I felt nearly suicidal.

Sometimes I still wonder what could have caused that imbalance, my overly negative attitude.
Some lack of the right brain nutrients?
Because I had no energy to practice regular exercise?
Perhaps the dark clouds over the freakishly cold Prague?
Or it was my amazing, irritable and judgmental sister imposing all-accepting Christianity on me?
Maybe the fact that I had no future plans...
Maybe. I took my wellbeing into my own hands. No more antibiotics or vaccination urges, please! I started taking lots of quality vitamins, Omega 3 and Colostrum, I listened to positive audiobooks, slept, regained strength, moved more, started to enjoy real food, began working again and by now I feel ecstatic.

Six weeks after the release from a hospital, Rickettsia was not confirmed. The antibodies remained low.
The doctor closed the case.
A mysterious disease upon returning to my homeland, how frickin' awesome is that?? I'm serious.

I played a part in an annual Prague's 'fare', met many familiar faces, and thus revisited the past in which I used to travel for those activities across all Europe and mingled with competitive greedy people. Good for the old me, but I will not do that again.

I celebrated Christmas with my family for the third time in 13 years...
I feel a deep appreciation for my mum.
I love my dad's natural comedian talent.
I adore my younger cousins.
I made nice and fun new friends (some of them are very good-looking).
A calm New Year's Eve was all I needed.

I'm psyched up for a year-long Course in Miracles (starting today: 1.1.2019), TEFL certification in spring, Asian travels in between, finding more female clients and building case studies with women in the second half of 2019.
This year will be about strengthening my femininity, vouching for all women, being a proud healer, sexual being and a powerful mentor who delivers transformation to those who come to me.
I am ready to 'settle' in 2020 and fully integrate my abilities to serve as a master teacher.
Oh, and then I get a puppy.

Gosh, I just planned something long-term! First time for everything 🙊


Much love in 2019,

Pavlina

No resolutions, let’s just be happy!

I feel so much gratitude right now. I am going to reflect on my 2018 in my tomorrow’s post because I want to close that chapter in love..
Everything has led me to start manifesting an epic year 2019!
I hope you see that in your life too.

Wishing everyone happy, healthy, loving, amazing and successful new year!

Love,

Pavlina

#Abandonment #Sexual_expressions #Christianity

One of my clients is dealing with abandonment issues. I give him certain assignments so at the end of our cooperation, he would get a breakthrough.

Yesterday I was looking at my own fears of abandonment.

I love walking in the surrounding areas of Prague’s castle. The charming medieval alleyways inspire me.

I remembered my dream: feeding a little kitten (my favorite Czech biscuits - which is irrelevant). I felt so much love for the little creature and certain motherly nurturing tendencies to protect her from danger. Upon waking, the feelings prevailed, so much so that I resorted to thinking that I really needed a pet. Oh, how much would I love a little animal needing me and staying with me always!….

Such idea is at the core of the problem. Every baby grows up one day, regains strengths and grows its own head… then she/he’ll be out and about and won’t pay too much attention to the primary caregiver.

There comes us, humans, with our fears of abandonment (or at worst - possessive issues). We cannot own other human beings the way we own pets - and even then - kittens are very freedom-minded and don’t like to be petted at all times, dogs might be more ‘loyal’, but even then - they are free to go elsewhere, and in any case, any creature can wander off, get lost, or die.

We are doing our best to be the protectors, but if we focus more on our fears of ending up alone, rather than our love for those people and pets, we lose the moment.

The solution for those of us with abandonment issues could be such: Let's focus on our love, not our fears.

"Love as if you have never been hurt"

It’s been one week since my one day/night stand and all seems well with me. I would usually get emotional a couple of days following lovemaking, and due to the energy-exchange I would not feel in my own skin. I could also pick up anxieties from the other person and strangely fantasize about healing them or I'd put them up on a pedestal (more or less). 

Thank God, I must have mastered my lessons by know. It appears that there have been neither much emotionality nor much energy exchange that time around. I feel stable - and I would admit if I didn’t. I’ve watched in curiosity all week and all went back to normal. In fact, if anything, it seems that that encounter has given me a certain power. It gave me back something I have lost in the last couple of years. I claimed back my sexual rights of a free woman who knows how to use her weapons. I also feel more present and grounded. Like if I finally ‘arrived’.

If I knew that consensual sex leads to grounding and reclaimed power, I should have grabbed a handsome stranger the very moment I landed back in Europe!
However, we know it doesn’t work like that… Gil and I had a tiny connection after all: the same humor and dance moves to Post Malone.

To keep up with my honesty, when doing chakra healing on myself at bedtime, I got another breakthrough. While still laying my hands on the lower chakras, my throat began to pulse. I knew there would be messages spilling out the moment I moved to the throat chakra. And so I did. One hand on my lower belly, the other hand on my throat. I began choking with tears. I can't speak freely about my adventures. Whether they're 'good' or 'bad', my family and community would judge me. My sister has already called me a whore and I feel like her newly discovered Christianity turned her into a Bible expert, understanding Jesus very well, but not comprehending today's humans.

So it is. I accept it.

I'll just have to keep writing and having my very best friends close by. 

Enjoy the Christmas holidays and festivities if you're celebrating!

xxx

Sexy black is the new black

Yum... such a good dinner (that I made)! Czechia wakes up a true [Czech] appetite, said by me and many tourists. Despite effortlessly sticking to a vegetarian/vegan diet, I eat way too much. Well, I should enjoy it at least!

I found him, however, he was the one who reached out. Later on in the shower, he reminded me those old wise words: "Nothing happens if one doesn't take action."

Indeed, had I stayed starstruck (kidding) and not handed in my business card, he’d have no way of contacting me and ... in some time, I’d never ended up in his bed.

Tall, smiling, positive, skin like a dark chocolate, 6-pack that I’ll never have, and a rather sexy French accent.
Turns out, I don’t fancy just blond blue-eyed Aussie types.
In any case, cheeky men, full of positive energy who go after what they want [-me-] look attractive in any package.

I am grateful I met this man and enjoyed a brief passionate fling, and at the same time, I feel a little indifferent that he's left Prague not to return till next December. Sure, he invited me to Paris, but I think I have rather different plans for myself.

Read on.

Surprisingly, the sex was a bit too much for me. I admit that the first “number” was great (--> in Czech: "Cislo" but obviously, it does not sound right translated literally!) 

For our first time together, it was perfectly alright. Not the soulful energy love-making I experienced with Eric in Bali, but it was nevertheless - visually hot and satisfying; a sexy, sporty black man on top of me during bright daylight and making sure I orgasm multiple times before he does - yeah, it made my day!

In fact, it made my 10 days of an exhausting annual festival that I played a part in which left me a bit richer on cash, but poorer on wellbeing.

This year's event was a bit too long and rough - like the next two 'numbers' with Gil. Let’s call him Gil (a real name of my first French lover years ago). Am I getting older or just Tantrically picky? 

I’ll never understand how can fit men appreciate my chubby figure so much. I try to be slim but when I actually am - or - when I like myself naked - no one gets to see me undressed. The moment I let myself go, put on a few kilos, bam, I meet someone who’ll end up having the privilege to look under the lid -> my winter coat.
(Note: I'm starting to exercise a little and eating a bit less. Definitely shoving down my Czech winter sadness)

I was so stressed the whole 10 festival days, picking up on the overall tense energy of the ongoing tournaments that sleeping with Gil was the only acceptable ending! 

Are prizes and trophies worth that much insomnia, sweat and tears?

Watching Netflix with Gil and drinking some red wine in the evening felt like a warm blanket for my soul. Let alone the way his cuddles substituted for my favorite dark chocolate melting in my mouth.
From a different perspective, he’s no spiritual Tantric gentleman... and I can’t have that anymore.

I enjoyed feeling the warmth of his toned body, but he was more transfixed by my pussy than anything and ironically, with the time passing, she went on a strike. 
Even "Sesame open up" would not work.
My mind commanded her to be ‘normal’ but she just had her own agenda.

I used to think that sex was something I could 'force' myself to do anytime. It happened so in the past and I never regretted once I willed myself into the deed. But now I could not carry on with our intense-yet-superficial intercourse both physically and mentally.

Funny, my wildest dreams of having my brains fucked all night would definitely come true this time... but I’m either not 20 anymore or I could carry some vaginal trauma that must have gotten triggered in that bed, with certain words, and that overthinking head of mine. This is still a gratitude post but - I will never again sleep with someone unless my body is 100% ready.

I craved my own bed and a night of nice, long beauty sleep. So I left at 2am 😌.

And that was it.


This blog post's song:

In love and gratitude

xxx

Sex on my mind

Hmmm... for too long I haven’t written a post about sex.

What happened?

(Ok, too much travel and an illness might be it.)

I’m looking at a fb stint by my, I guess, a favorite musician/enlightened guru-artist Elijah Ray, he is truly skillful with his words, and I finally realize that I shifted from bad guys to good guys for good.

Why is he still single?

“I love you.”
“You’re not alone”
“You’re so worthy” “of all the love you dream of…”
Just an example of his speech.

Why on earth is still he single?

“I love you, family…..have a beautiful day”
So much love coming from his way…

Well, it’s not easy to be compassionate, understanding and a so-called psychic. I feel other’s emotions and I just don’t know what to do to heal it. Maybe I should sing?
Yes, no more toxic relationships. I want to meet my equal but opposite. Is that so impossible to find?

Elijah Ray is an Earth angel too, no doubt. Being in the spotlight all the time, oh, it must be hard to be him. But he seems to enjoy it.

I have not disclosed it, but despite my dramatic arrival onto the European soil, I have never felt hornier. I suspect that breaking the celibacy with two cool escapades was what triggered the appetite.
I could just dream on…

I am ready for love… Christmas is the perfect time for a miracle.

A relationship, of course, does not have to start with sex... in fact, given my history, it better not start with sex (but lead to it, please)

It would be more interesting to wait and get to know one another as friends first.

Oh, so romantic...

However, I am not an advocate of chastity till marriage. Not after one year of celibacy anyway.

Thanks to my chaste sister, I still battle with an unnecessary moral dilemma nevertheless!

We shall see.

Positive reunion #Prague

This will be a lot more optimistic post with a 'happy' photo at the end.

I’ve been trying and doing quite well these days. An unconditionally positive regard is still a big conscious effort but it's gotta be worth it, right? Sometimes I wonder if optimism will come naturally again or if Prague got me in her dark post-communistic claws and will never let me go...(?)

That brings me to a book I’m reading right now - Letting Go - The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.

Fascinating. Some if the weight on my shoulders has already dropped. It amazes me how after so many years of self-inquiry and striving for enlightenment, I still don’t cease to identify with my thoughts. These thoughts can produce very undesirable feelings and the underlying emotions work to make me sick in the background of all my overthinking. When will I learn? Maybe this book is it. There still lies some (maybe a lot of) crap to tackle, but according to Dr. Hawkins letting go of the struggle and accepting that life is suffering is basically, all the hard digging done.

Last week I wanted to figure out why I was feeling so miserable and why I could not be bubbly around my mum and my grandparents… while sobbing on the floor in the living room, I suddenly got it. All the furniture, all the photos, all the artifacts there… in the kitchen, in the hall, and in my bedroom… those were from the old apartment I grew up in. In that apartment my parents did all their fighting, I witnessed all the nightmares (except one) that child is never supposed to see or experience, where I contemplated suicide between the ages 15-17, and where I devised my escape plan. I tend to sleep extremely badly in my mum’s new apartment, and it well could be because of the lingering memories from the stuff that soaked up all the negative energies of the past. It shocks me that my mum has never gotten rid of it. Not even of the old bed she used to sleep on with her now ex-husband whom she hates so much. Very shocking for someone (energy worker) like me.

I went to every single piece of furniture from the old flat and I blew on it 3x. I don’t know where I got that gesture from, I regard it as my little made up trick, but I noticed that it helps me to ‘cleanse’. So I use it on things and spaces too.
If you’re waiting for magic, cool. Yes - it made me feel instantly better! If that’s not enough, then I don’t know what is. The furniture did not disappear, nor turned into a new one with a unicorn jumping out of the closet.

As my cousins and extended family arrived for the weekend, things took a turn for the better. 

I was overwhelmed by all the affection I felt towards my cousins. It was mixed with a little sadness too. I didn't see them much even when I lived in Czech and it appeared that I had missed a lot of their adolescence. They were so tall and all-teenage like, I could hardly keep up with their energy!
We all had so much fun together, I forgot all about myself and my mortal troubles. 

Regarding the other (older) members of my family, that weekend made me realize that despite all our differences, my family is my family, and I cannot not love them.

Back in Prague now, I am noticing how visual and creative I became since my fevers stopped and they let me out of the hospital. I actually think that I got a plan….
However, I will divulge more when I'm 100% sure that I can do it. If you know me by now, you know that whatever I put my mind into, I manage. So waaaaaaiiiiiiit for it!

Much love,

Pavlina

Are they my biological family?

I got through it.

It was probably the toughest times of my life, at least health-wise. Perhaps because health had never been at the forefront of my mind, none of my concerns, I thought I was on top of things in that area. Then I realized that I could not control my body - that I had no say about my fevers. It was just a guessing game - is it going to be 38 today or 39.7? Why couldn’t I just decide that that was it and from then on I'd stay on 36 with no chills? I prayed every night.

Bed-bound and so weak for 7 days (after having had fevers for nearly a week already), the cocktail of medicine did not add to my overall strength. My joints hurt and I felt my muscles disappearing. My hospital room turned into my prison. But at the same time, I would be unable to travel very far had I wanted anyway. In between fevers, I swore I must have been hit by a truck. Just making a move from my bed to the toilet was a mission. 

At least I had a comforting view. There was a world out there and it was waiting for me to recover. I noticed that it was snowing a little. My friend said: “Don’t worry, it is the coldest in a hospital, you’ll be alright.” And he was right. When they let me go, the cold air was nothing and I welcomed it on my pale face. 

It’s been one week without fevers now and I am getting stronger by the minute. I do yoga and pilates every morning and a sense of wellbeing is returning for sure.

I find it quite unbelievable that I lived 2, 5 years amidst poisonous spiders, snakes, crocodiles, swam in the ocean with waves much higher than I’ve ever witnessed in Europe, all the while perfectly safe and healthy, except for a few colds this winter, and then some flea or a tick in Bali should knock me down. First of all, I do not remember that I would have been bitten. Is it possible to get a bacterial infection purely psychosomatically? I know that stress is a killer and lowers immunity. Sleepless nights due to long flights could not amount to anything good either, but honestly, I think I brought this feverish condition upon myself just so I could buy myself some time when depression bubbled up on the surface the moment I crossed the borders. Was the thought of spending some time with my family too much to handle? Leaving Australia made (and still makes) sense to me. I do not miss it, yet wriggling myself out of its warm charm back into the dark pit of Czech in the winter was perhaps a slight shock to my system, to say the very least.

I miss a few people, the climate, the freedom and the distance between me and a family whom I believe must have adopted me. That brings me to a conclusion that for a 'step-family' everyone is really nice to me and cares about me so much.

I am so grateful for them and I do my best to love them. I can never relate though. I don’t get the way they gossip, the way they eat, the way they control everything from the moment they make breakfast, 5 cups of coffee a day, to sitting down in front of the telly every evening till late at night.

Maybe it’s like that everywhere, not just in the Czech Republic. Yet, the settled ways here make me believe we’re still “100 years behind monkeys”. Even in Prague so many things, foods and services are inaccessible and some people are just so ignorant. I used to think that we were quite a progressive state despite Eastern European communistic history, but now coming from Oz, it feels even smaller to me over here. I dislike it, and I feel trapped because I do not have an 'escape' plan. I don’t want to be running around anymore. I want to settle. With a feeling of safety that I can stay till whenever I want.
I didn’t have that in Australia. I could have worked hard to achieve that, but somewhat what was on offer wasn’t made for me.

I wish I could build a life somewhere 'progressive', warm and economically well-off.

I am now ‘recovering’ in the middle of nowhere in Sumava-Bohemia where my mother and grandparents live. Part of me hates it here so much, and the other part tries hard to see the beauty in the stillness. I literally do not need to rush anywhere or do anything at all.

And that brings me to another confession - I never knew how to do nothing.

That time on my hands, the quietude, the structure (waking up around 7 still in the pitch-black dark outside, having a small breakfast because at 11:30 I MUST go across the road to grandparents for lunch and then at 5 again for dinner), my mum’s idle talk, no shops, no friends - that all…. bores me to death.

And dying I am. My shadows, childhood wounds and passivity are dying… I no longer wish to carry these burdens in my heart. I long to become a new daughter, a bubbly and loving one. I am not doing so well. I battle pessimism every day. I meditate and write a gratitude journal…I feel a spark of hope, then I pick up on my grandmother’s nervous energy and latent anger and I wanna kill myself again. I don’t know where I left my contagious positivity. It’s not here. 

Now I have to stay and wait before my grandfather’s birthday on Saturday when the rest of my family along with my lovely cousins arrive. Had I known that my granddad wanted to celebrate this weekend, I would have arrived 2 days before as everyone else. Not a week before. A bad idea. Dying on optimism a little every day. Before I leave, I must have a plan for a beautiful rebirth into the light.

Maybe the antibiotics killed all the positive good gut bacteria, leaving my brain running on dry.