Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Healing Me, healing D. #alone

I woke up just before 5am this morning. Not my longest sleep at all, but I had to do some energy work. I put my hands on my left ribs, where my spleen lies, probably. The organ has felt funny the last couple of days. I repeated an affirmation from Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life : "I alone create sweetness and joy in my life...."

Yes, my late twenties have been spent feeling quite alone - but not lonely. 
Whereas the start of my twenties had a theme of loneliness, I was rarely alone. It proves that one can feel lonely even while constantly surrounded by people - sharing flats, going to school, having a bar job etc. Now I consider myself an artistic lone wolf, preferring to recharge in the sanctuary of the apartment that I rent, alone. When working, the moment my clients leave, I am alone, I feel accomplished, and I love it! I live alone, I travel alone and I socialize so sporadically - by choice. I found my tribe at Yoga and dance classes - no place to feel lonely, then I escape back into my every night's aloneness. 

Some days, I need to fill in a section "Emergency Contact" on forms for various establishments and I think to myself.... hmmm, who could come and "save" me if I unexpectedly passed out? if I needed help? What if something happened to me at home? What if I collapsed during hot yoga or - somewhere ?
My parents are overseas, so is my sister, my longest best friends are away too, and Christine is quite old and has probably enough of health worries; Definitely no local boyfriend who wouldn't have his hands full.. Clients, maybe?
Nope, I'm alone.

While still reikiing my spleen, the latest crush, D., came to my mind. I began sending him unconditional love and acceptance. Everything is alright. He had his hands full, no time to spare to hang out with a girl, worrying about her past jealousy issues possibly manifesting in the future, no time to tell about his travel plans... it would be too much of a burden. Whatever has happened to him in the past that has compelled him to write me such a shit text, he hasn't healed from. Maybe one day he'll see that the assumptions he described in that text where not even about me, but rather about the world which demanded his full attention and where he felt misunderstood.
Well, till the time of his awakening comes, I can only wish him all the best and send as much love as he needs, for he withholds his from others.
Hey, we've all been there!




"Deep at the center of my being there is an infinite well of Love..."
- Louise Hay


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Short Romance Farewell #rejection #jealousy

Thank you, D., for being so upfront with me. Maybe not up up up upfront, but still early enough to prevent my heart from breaking. It cracked a little - ok (some rose quartz crystals fixed it right back).
Not telling me right away that you were a commitmentphobe must have been because you were just exploring the territory before making some radical conclusions about our compatibility - which you did in the end.
Thank you for giving me an insight into your unique Aquarian soul, for expanding my compassion, and for opening my mind to new points of perception.

I have never felt more empowered as a woman who has worked in the sex business for several years and a current sexual counsellor as when getting deeper into our discussions about life. I felt the most comfortable ever talking about all the aspects of myself in front of you - no man has managed to made me feel this proud, powerful and understood before. You made me see that I can wear that past label as a pride. I knew it, somewhat, but you were a living proof that there were men out there not threatened by my past, men who were fascinated by it and not discouraged to date me in the slightest. But then something came across your mind one morning. Maybe an alcohol induced haze prompted you to ‘think’ more, rather than ‘feel’ and take risks more….. risks of getting disappointed, maybe even rejected by me at some point?

On the other hand, you knew what you wanted. A very, very liberal woman. I should have known that your statement “Making love to the same person every night is like having the same hot dinner every night" was probably a good indicator that we, indeed, had very different views on relationships. 

Nevertheless - it got me thinking. Could I stand to have the same dinner every night? Would I be able to stay faithful to the same guy every day for the rest of our lives?
Now I know - it's yes. I love freedom just as much as you, or anyone, however, I don’t believe that we, complex human beings of thousand faces which are sometimes undiscoverable still several years down the road (e.g. marriages breaking after 20 years together), can be compared to a food….
Yet, I didn’t make any conclusions about you….

You kept on repeating that you never get jealous….. ok. Good on you. Did I have problems with my own jealousy in the past? Yes, big time. I did not give you any ounce of jealousy at the present, so I can't see why exactly you pulled out. Fear?

It took me nearly one year to get over my ex’s affair which I took not only as violation of trust but also, primarily, as an evidence that I was not good enough and most likely unlovable. It took one year of deep soul searching, healing and heart opening to actually discover that those beliefs were not true. I rose to my potential of giving unconditional love, not expecting it back, and forgiving pretty much anything.
Mmmm..

Does it mean that I cannot get jealous ever again, especially if I felt that my self-esteem was threatened by you leaving me behind?> No. I can’t predict that! But my jealousy would be healthy, it wouldn’t be self-destructively used against me, and it wouldn’t compromise you in any way - if not help boost your ego to jump out of the roof. (I still occasionally sleep with a de-facto married man - how less 'unjealous' can that get??)
D., you may not realize that there are plenty of men queuing for my giving enough of a fuck to get jealous over them.

In my opinion, jealousy is alright, if acknowledged and dealt with in mature ways. It’s an automatic human reaction to a perceived threat of rejection or abandonment - humans are not robots.
But maybe you are.

Thank you for doing me the favor and breaking it off before I could have gotten attached to you - Making out with you was lovely. 
Though, I’ll never know if the sex would keep me hooked, for you didn’t even get the juices flowing… 😳

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Life choices

“To choose our partners wisely, we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.”
- The School Of Life


Warning: This post contains few swear words.


Last night after 5rhythms class I had a drink and chat with Carl, the guy I met in an organic grocery store who kept chasing me since November (until yesterday).

As soon as I agreed to the date I regretted it. I knew he was going to market his husband&father aspirations to me yet again. However, the dance made me super relaxed and so much in touch with myself and in love with myself, I consented to see a human being who was in need of a company, planning to just listen to him. I intended to see him for who he was, without judging, and preparing my replies or opinions. Carl loves to talk anyway, so it was my chance to listen and just be there.
The non-judment part was so hard!

I saw for the first time that under the facade of “I am perfect, I don’t need anything, and I could take care of you” there was a little scared boy who wanted to follow the script, not make mistakes, latch onto a woman, be put on a pedestal and have all his needs met. Of course we all want the last part - or at least - be loved unconditionally. But too much theory about how that's done proves to be useless in the real world.

Only yesterday I realized how much poison he had been feeding me over the past 6 months. Carl has a special way of making me feel inadequate, like I need help, as I am so lost without the right man saving me. (let me guess - him?)

Last night’s dance opened my channels to the divine, and I knew that I wouldn’t be saved by him in a million years.
I would fuckin’ die.

Once again I was sure that it was better to be alone than be unhappy with someone so needy.
I stuck around because I thought that he was the rational man my parents would have loved me to have. I was hoping the fascination by his analytical mind would turn into love and a desire to care for him.

I couldn't have been more off. I cannot believe how many times I felt bad after our dates, his monologues. I thought it was because I must have been dysfunctional after all and I needed this man to tempt me for ‘better days’ if only I settled.

Dancing is my life. I should come back to this practice every Friday again - as I need to feel that I am a powerful woman capable of both grounding and setting myself free. No man should make me feel otherwise.
I hate to think how many women are staying with their men for all the wrong reasons.

Now I have to remind myself of COMPASSION.... COMPASSION…COMPASSION
Human action is either love, or call for love (Marianne Williamson)
Additionally, this is just my perception. Carl is definitely some girl’s dream dude!
God bless this motherfucker. <Smiley emoticon>
***
I won't write about the new guy much yet, as it’s early days to tell what kind of a person he really is, but I am getting a sense of the role he plays in my life. He crossed my path to remind me that worthiness is an inside job, I must wear my deepest truths upon my sleeve and know that I can be approved of by a human being and actually FEEL it too (as I do with God). I’m amazed how positively charged I'm still feeling since we kissed goodbye 8 hours ago.

The lovely dates with him are getting longer and longer. Who would have thought that we meet at 10am at the markets and leave West End after 3pm.
These dates are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. They’re mix of revolutionary ideas, some atheistic truths (as the one above from Alain de Bottom) and the bliss of embracing a little of anarchy in one’s personal life.

It feels so good to feel accepted completely, all the aspects of me, as opposed to just hear the words of acceptance - I’ve been there before. Some people call themselves loving and open-minded until they’re not. They nonchalantly accept one's life choices and generously give a form of absolution (As if one did something outrageously wrong), but you don't actually FEEL it.
 - thank you, I'll politely decline this favor!

I believe that people always do their best. It might not be right according to the society's norm, but if it feels right in the gut, then it's most likely the right life choice for YOUR life.

I know that I can be intimidating, loud, inappropriate and crazy sometimes. But at least I don’t claim that I have the manual for life.
On the other hand, Carl would probably find one in his pocket...



Thursday, June 8, 2017

Boundaries, Ego And Shame

This video was so good! Teal never ceases to surprise me.

It is true that sometimes I feel bad for setting boundaries with other people. Whether they're relatives, clients, lovers or passersby, I feel I should be ashamed for feeling confident enough to even have boundaries.

How not to make the other person feel bad about themselves when stating what I am comfortable with and what I am not ok with?

It's a vicious cycle. Feeling rejected is a natural human reaction to something desirable being denied to them. Then they may deflect their shame on others just because they do not want to face their fear of not being good enough.
It is an allusion, of course.

Again, it seems that the biggest, deepest fears the ego holds are fears of rejection and fears of not being good enough. That false suspicion makes us walk around under a veil of shame. Nevertheless, the ego finds ways to mask those feelings of inadequacy - irrational arguments for example.

In order to make human relationships work, that shame needs to be expressed in healthy ways during communication. The tendency to feeling ashamed must be accepted as part of our vulnerability in this world.
We are in this world, but we are not of it.

I highly recommend all Teal's videos.


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Tantra on me II - releasing old flames

Walter, a friend from Sydney who learned the art of Tantra after I had initiated him in December keeps surprising me ever since.

We went for a run along the river outlining Brisbane's CBD, ate a delicious dinner, and after that I got pampered to the best Tantric experience with him so far. I’ve only written about my first experience some time in February as it was quite intense: a tingling orgasm, some visions, and lots of internal tension came to the surface to be released. The other two or three Tantra massages he gave me in the following months were also special, yet the final releases quite ordinary. Once, before the detox program - I slept through the entire massage as I had overdone the wine during the dinner. Luckily, I know Walter quite well by now, I trust him and I never worry that he would take advantage of me just lying there (drunk).

P.S: Yeah, please, do not drink alcohol before having a Tantra massage - as nothing happens then.

Last night I felt quite tired (and I had actually someone new on my mind! psst), so I decided that I would just enjoy the touch, the coconut oil gliding along my body, the sensual music, but not really pay attention to my breath… I didn’t want to try to direct the breath towards climax, I needed only an utter relaxation.

However, my body showed me its 'muscle memory' once more. In the end it had me breathing deeply exactly as what Margot Anand describes “riding the wave of bliss”, which to my surprise finally became a second nature to me. No effort to breathe that way anymore.

I kept breathing, feeling the fiery energy warming up my spine, inviting the energy all the way up to my crown chakra and really being aware of the pelvic area as the seat of arousal and relaxation at the same time. Something wanted to be released. It was so funny, I knew that it was J’s energy! It had me laughing - out loud! 

The old part of me wanted to keep it, conserve it, store it…but the part that was momentarily being healed by Tantra had me expel it, along with a cute little orgasm that had me giggling. 
Walter, also smiling, couldn't understand my giggles, so when I came down I explained that a perceived painful memory had been totally transformed into something hilarious, and then it left my body. 
I kept it to myself that it was J leaving it energetically!

I experienced similar release of old lovers in the past as well. It was in the beautiful Byron Bay few months prior where I released Adam during a Craniosacral therapy with Christine. 
(definitely no nudity)
I released Gilbert through Reiki with Lisa in 2009 or 2010, and Russel during my very first remedial massage. He got me the voucher from a gym he worked at few weeks prior to my breaking up with him. When I finally came to use it, already as a single girl, I cried uncontrollably under the lady's hands. 

It was a deep tissue massage :/

How did I cleanse myself after years of sleeping with unconscious men [unconsciously]? I reconnected to my heart, woke up my first 3 chakras from a deep sleep, and claimed myself from the waist down once more.

Smudging with white sage is also brilliant, as well as crystals and of course… my dear 5rhythms helped me spring my body to its happy, full potential.
Dance, dance, dance!

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Saying NO to 'free' sex

I had an opportunity to go on a short trip with J. It was not only tempting to see another city in Australia but, of course, to see J’s body again and let him explore mine.
Since he came back we've only seen each other for occasional lunch dates. No sex.

That boy has everything.

He has good looks, he’s smart and a lotta fun… then he comes home to his beautiful family that he decided to fight for... 

Till today he reminds me that my wisdom and selfless understanding inspired him to it!  
Only J can be committed to his family while still trying to tempt me under his hot body in such an innocent manner that one cannot be mad at him, judge or blame him!! 

Being out of denial ever since ‘the out of sight out of mind’ long business trip of his, where I reconnected with what I really desired, I can clearly see that coming onto this trip with him would have only killed me.

It would add to his “everything” the extra icing on the cake in the form of an amazing free sex with a crazy vixen (as I am).

Thank God I can see how much I’ve learned from my past life and how much I’ve grown.

Sex shouldn’t be given freely if the inevitable payoff is feeling worse than before the act happened. Yes, I would enjoy having him fuck my brains out for 2 days, no doubt... I would even lose weight as I know I get a suppressed appetite when I'm giddy ...and then?

Then I would spend 2 weeks getting over the fact that it was just 2 days, and the side effects of coming back down to Earth include depression, alcohol and sugar cravings, and blindness towards happier romantic opportunities. I know all that by now and finally I behave appropriately to my own wisdom!

This is a warning to those in similar situations - don’t think you must be a slave to your body. Your body has intelligence of its own - and that is perfectly fine - use it for diagnosing your aches and pains as possible psychosomatic symptoms of your unprocessed emotions.  

If the body just lay there and received a physical pleasure, it would enjoy it - no need to feel guilty as the body is meant to enjoy it! What I’m trying to demonstrate is that the body will not put itself on a plane, fly itself into your lover’s bed and spread its legs without you making the decision to do it. *

So decide otherwise, if you know that the consequences are not in alignment with your highest aspirations. In my case - being abandoned shortly after the trip - is not at all my happiest vision for myself!

Also… my endless escaping…. maybe I’m finally learning to stay. Even when my mind frequently wonders to Bali (where I experienced some powerful healing in the past), and lately it goes back to the Czech Republic, where life could be so easy for me, somehow I know that THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.  Maybe I must stick around here, where it hurts, and resolve the messy, unfinished business around dating once and for all.

Side note:
I've gone to the church tonight after a long absence. It's heart-warming to be part of a community that works on recognizing when the ego steps in!
Selfless, concerned about others, humble and grateful is the way to happiness.


* Regarding the intelligence of your body and making conscious decisions:
If you were taken advantage of - it was not your decision to make. If the body responded - that was completely human and natural. The way I see it, the person who took advantage of you should have been prosecuted or shown a conscious way to treat human beings.
A very sensitive topic.




Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Affirmations

From today I am my highest version of self.

I have my emotions under control.

I am no longer influenced and directed by the energies of the past.

I don't care what other people think of me.

I love myself and take care of myself.

I lead myself from a state of joy and gratitude towards happiness, abundance and selfless goals.

I am proud of my achievements in my career, studies, friendships and relationships. In fact, I have the best relationships I've ever had.

I am loved, safe, protected and divinely helped and guided.

I lift people up, I help them heal, I encourage them, motivate them, understand them and love them selflessly and unconditionally.

I am enough.

I meet and attract my TRIBE.

I belong.

Everything is taken care of.

Amen.


My detox is going super well! Got the sniffles - sings of my body purifying itself. Love it! :)
I am doing hot yoga or pilates everyday, sometimes double classes!
I feel superb actually.

The other day (probably the day that had me succumb to the cold) I run and walked for one hour, then I did a hard power yoga class.
Sweet, sweet sweat....
And I rest in between of course.
I am ready for more work now. Some interesting projects should be coming up.
Let's be surprised.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Fears vs. more effective prayers

What's your biggest fear regarding choosing the wrong partner?

Mine is violence and too much fire. Just as well no fire at all, meaning he'd have no passions. I'm guaranteed to get bored of a walking deadman beside me. 

The first reason - violence, stems from my childhood when I witnessed some of the simpler forms of domestic abuse at home. Predominantly verbal, but there were some bruises too. My father had a lot of fire. The one that breeds addictions too. My mum had no less of a fire. The one that is quick to slap, defend, or judge. In general, the flame that burns like it's the master of the universe!Therefore, I am afraid of people who do, or could, raise their voice at me, let alone of more dramatic actions. 

I am all about positive affirmations. However, acknowledging our fears is the first step to transforming them into positive wishes and effective prayers.

Funny that my biggest fear used to be being cheated on and lied to. Now, after it has happened more than one year ago and I dealt with it, the fear not only disappeared, but it seems quite superficial! Not that now I'd love to be cheated on for a change (no!), but I believe that there are worse things that could happen in a partnership, and that for this attitude I am actually less likely to be cheated on again.

How did the new fear of potential violence pop up?
As always, I've read something. I read the new guy's horoscope! Oh my... maybe less reading and more observing AND LIVING?? :)

Old-new affirmation: "I choose to focus on people's innocence and see the world through the eyes of love. I am always safe, divinely guided and protected."

I encountered some big challenges while on my holistic detox...mainly emotional ones, but I also sinned a little during my solo trip to Melbourne. Well, more on that next time. I am restoring my integrity here in Brisbane!

Meanwhile a little comment I posted on Fb under a picture of St. Kilda's beach that I've taken:
"When you respect your need for solitude to recharge, you may as well attract your 'tribe' this way. I went to St.Kilda/Melbourne on Friday. I felt blessed and I honored the time off to nurture myself. By chance, I met an Ukrainian angel, Katja, and I sensed an instant connection with her. Our chat helped me on my personal quest for gaining clarity.
Even if you think you are alone, watch out - angels are everywhere! Trust, and share your story, you never know whose heart it might melt."

xxx

Monday, May 22, 2017

People who gave up on stimulants (Day 3)

I have faith that I will keep refraining from drinking coffee and alcohol for the next three months, but I am not sure if I'll keep journaling about it every day. As writing down the stuff I ate, craved, or dreamt about is... kind of boring!

I already feel clearer and I'm taking thoughtful actions, so if I don't log in every day - it means a good thing! (I probably went to bed earlier. 💤)
I got even more determined about my holistic detox today when I remembered some people who gave up coffee and wine many, many years ago, and they still reap the benefits. 
Eric, American man whom I met while I was living and dancing in Paris, and few months after we also met up in Prague. 
We couldn't find a better opportunity to open up to each other than my sudden panic attack during our dinner one night. So... talking about an ice breaker...NOT! Not recommended.
Anyhow, I learned that he had given up alcohol 9 years prior and he didn't look back. It was quite unbelievable for me that time. I was aware that that substance didn't 'suit' me when drinking myself under the table some weekends, but I held the opinipon that one glass every now and then was of no harm.
That is for another debate.
Moving on, somehow Eric crossed my mind today, after 5 years or so of not being in touch. I am grateful for remembering that man's story. He seemed to me as a very 'together' guy, having a successful business and a kind heart. Success needs a focused mind!
Another person who's been crossing my mind since the day I started thinking about giving up wine, is Doreen Virtue. During one interview she admitted to having drunk down her emotions, intuition, and voices from the spirit she heard, just because she didn't want to seem crazy, stand out from the crowd, and in general - be visible and different. The next day she would drink lots of coffee to keep awake, and in the evening she would wind down with more wine... a vicious cycle. I resonated with that correlation between alcohol and coffee in my past big time!
Series of events had her stop. She was able to hear her angels' messages clearer, and thus she embraced her gifts.
Now Doreen's a world renowned author and angel cards' reader.
Another person who inspires me is a photographer and cameraman, Chef. (Wow, first post where I'm using real names! Perhaps it's to pay homage to those people)
I met Chef in Prague where he needed me as a model for a photographic project. It was so much fun. Again, I think I have a certain power to make people open up to me (this time not through a panic attack). Chef shared his story, and it was clear that there was no other way for him than to completely give up all stimulants (except Czech's fatty foods and sex I think). So once he made that decision to recover from drugs, he would never drink coffee, alcohol or smoke either. That's how it works.

I am inspired.
I choose to be a good vegetarian too. Haha.

I found the classic five buddhists precepts simply revamped and beautifully elaborated:



I love it.
You see, sex is allowed! (It just needs to be done right) And if someone serves you a plate with fish or meat, it seems that you may eat it too. YOU didn't harm the poor thing after all.
I don't know what will happen after the detox ends, but I'll make sure that I'm happy in love and live in harmony with life.
Whatever is needed for that, I'll do it.





Sunday, May 21, 2017

Sex-detox - yes or no (day 2)

Breakfast: stevia-sweetened home made acai bowl without any fruit. instead: chia, buckins, almond butter.
Lunch: kale salad with nutritional yeast, cultured veggies, olive oil
Snack: home-made chocolate mouse with cocoa, half avo, stevia, coconut milk, almond butter
Dinner2 eggs, carrots (example of Eastern European small dinners. I am grateful for that childhood conditioning.)

I went for a good walk during the day to soak up the sun rays - what an awful winter Australia has! It made me sweat and feel happy. I love the sunshine and hot weather! While stopping for a breath (lol, the period laziness), I tried a decaf coffee with soy milk from my favorite Newstead cafe - it felt so good!.... however, I had a mild headache shortly afterwards. It could have been because I drunk it on empty stomach after one hour of walking under the sun, or it doesn't agree with me. I will give the decaf another shot next weekend. It would be nice to fit this treat within my detox boundaries!
I didn't crave any wine today, and as usual - my own clean chocolate saved the day.

I had other urges though.... I'm hoping that sex-detox isn't on the menu of holistic recovery. I know that people do benefit from celibacy. I tried this type of detox 3x in my life (3-4 months, the longest one was 4 ½ months).
To clarify - if you observe that you use sex to 'escape', feel better, or you abuse your body on a regular basis by consenting to something that you don't actually really want - then I suggest: go on, try a sex-detox. The benefits are huge and cover range of areas. Bigger self-esteem, restored integrity, faith in your own power to feel good, sense of greater self-love, and better choices reg. next sexual partners. The first month is the most challenging, then the obsessive erotic images disappear (mostly), and one gains a deeper clarity and focus.
I've done it for those reasons and I don't regret. 
My true essense is made for mating though! My body doesn't like long periods of celibacy now that I healed from all the physical abuse.
So I shall fit some sex into my 'emotional detox' too. I have only one rule - being mindful of whom I let into my temple next time. It won't need to be my future boyfriend, nor potential husband, but he better be emotionally healthy and free, independent of responsibilities to other females, and have a non-addictive personality (btw. respectful and sexy are non-negotiables). 

I tried a different type of breathing with my female client yesterday and I practiced it this morning alone in my bedroom. Everyone should know his type of tantric breath! It's amazing how quickly it energizes and brings waves of arousal without the need for a hardcore masturbation (ok, that did happen later).
We shouldn't be too busy pleasing someone else to not be doing this breathing and moving when we're having sex! There is no rush to get to the 'end goal'.... I know this, yet time and time again I forget to stay in the moment, breathe right, and make it count.

It's nearly 11pm, I'm starting to crave some peanut butter. I better go to sleep quickly, before I find my way to the fridge!


Saturday, May 20, 2017

First day

Three-month detox challenge late check-in:
Not drinking, not eating junk (but eating a lot), and trying (oh, the damn word!) to be positive. 
First day of my period, very fatigued, cravings were on, but I conquered them with healthy alternatives, like, 500g of cocoa drowned in lots of creamy coconut milk... The unsweetened hot choco was divine! 
I was invited to go out grooving, but it was one of the evenings when I had a booking and then I just wanted to jump in the bed and listen to Hayhouse. In overall a challenging day regarding cravings for sugar, sex and wine - if I were to go out, so I held on tight to the leash I'd put around my neck, bit my nails and stayed strong. The first few days are the most uncomfortable ones, plus I have the female days, but it won't last forever. I know that this is the way to go. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel 😄

Friday, May 19, 2017

How an unexpected binge led me to an idea for a holistic recovery

This post is live! Uncensored! Unedited! Haha. 
As if I've ever done otherwise.

I planned to visit an Ecstatic dance community in West End tonight; Grooving to the electro-trance-shaman music, getting out of the head into the body, losing myself, finding clarity and rejoicing in the happiness on the dance floor...

Instead I binged and couldn't move. My 'small' pre-dance snack turned into a full blown dinner with perhaps not the wisest food choices.

I was determined to dance anyway....

So...to productively utilize my digesting before feeling light enough to rock my own living room, I tuned into to the annual Hayhouse world summit 2017 (as I've been for the past 5 years!) .

I got blown away by an interview with Kerri Richardson about clutter (physical, emotional, body weight or relationships), and further inspired by Liana Werner-Gray's healing food blog.
Couple of days ago I listened to a talk about food addictions by Dr. Susan Pierce Thompson, and she made my weight struggle appear mundane, yet borderline if emotions were left unchecked.
Being also a big advocate of the "Body Ecology" way of eating by Donna Gates, I put 2 and 2 together...
and x, y, z... and things started to make sense.

Long story cut short:

I am embarking on a 3 months detox. Since I have only 3 months left in Australia guaranteed, I might as well make them healthy and working towards my happiness.
It won't be about juicing or starving myself...

Interestingly, nobody mentioned a word about coffee and alcohol on Hayhouse today, and I know how sensitive this topic is! Coffee, wine - good or bad?? How much, how little, when? I am sick of it as well as you. 
But I have my history of substance and food abuse.... Because I know that balance is so hard to achieve, even irregular drinking directly impacts my whole life - The way I think, the way I feel, the way I act and the way I turn a blind eye on toxic people who feel good in my presence, but I feel worse in theirs..
I am the sensitive one and I must respect that.

I've been slipping off the happiness and stability track in the past few weeks. It's my lack of integrity with myself.

No need to despair - I devised a plan for recovery!

Non-negotiables from now on to August 25th and hopefully beyond, wherever it might be:

  • Saying no to alcohol, coffee, processed sugar and flour - wheat
  • No to toxic relationships
  • Diet free from negative thoughts, self-judgment, guilt and other unaddressed negative emotions. -> yes to daily forgiveness and gratitude.
  • SWEAT once a day (at least). Whether it'd be hot yoga, pilates, dance or running, or a very long love-making session (with a non-toxic person for a change). Doing something physical every day.
  • No to mixing carbohydrates with protein - e.g: quiche, sushi, pasta with cheese, gluten-free anything with meat, eggs or dairy.
I believe that when I tackle the first two points, everything else will follow effortlessly. I will be doing the right thing for my brain and my body. When these two start working in my favor again, I'll naturally make healthier food choices and award myself with more happy, positive and nurturing thoughts. 
Further tricks for my DETOX:

  • Starting my day with lots of water. And a glass of lemon water - warm or cold.
  • Morning visualization of happiness, feeling in love with myself and life. Prayer to God filled with gratitude.
  • Approved liquids for energy - matcha, chai, green tea, oolong, yerba mate. Not sure about decaffeinated coffee yet.
  • Eating whole foods
  • Yes to kefir, yes to probiotics and cultured vegetables, no to kombucha
  • No to cakes with flour, coconut sugar and seemingly good stuff - I don't need that for my survival
  • Swapping commercial dark chocolate for cacao with stevia and coconut oil
  • Limiting fruit. 1-2 pieces of fruit per day
  • Limiting dairy, soy and peanuts. If, then organic or cultured.
I will monitor myself by writing daily posts stating what I ate and how I feel..
I feel excited already! :)

And yes, I danced for one hour to Wild Marmalade, and I am convinced that moving and feeling optimistic is my TRUE nature.

Message to my body:
My body, please forgive me for resisting your cries, your signals, and trying to outsmart you. I love the way you feel when it doesn't feel right!






Sunday, May 14, 2017

Depth of Clarity (workshop)

Getting clear on certain matters in our lives is a must…. However, analyzing doesn't always work.

This weekend's 5rhythms dance workshop by David Juriansz (MovingEssence) brought a new level of presence to my thought process and it expanded my heart in exchange.

How was 'letting your head go' and dropping into the body to find the answers?

It was delicious, magnificent, perfect, effortless, awesome, fun, inspiring and transformative. And sweaty, of course.

My notes from yesterday:

In a dance, start by embodying your shadows… the opposites of what you think you should be… In my case it was: the slut, the whore, the nomad, the needy woman, the nutcase…

Don’t just ‘accept’ it, be it - embody it - play with it, and love it.

My perceived ’problem’ used to be constant closing off, opening up, then closing off, and again… Am I a fickle butterfly? Indecisive? Split??
What is it like to dance my confusion, my inconsistent nature, the randomness of my actions?

Let’s play the game playfully. Closing off isn't necessarily a bad thing if I have fun with it, if I play it long enough, get bored, thus start opening up to a new attitude, perception, way of looking at things…

Soften into your confusion - acknowledge your sloppiness…
be friendly with it.

Today, the last day of the workshop, I started a little activated… My driver (a fellow dancer, Rick) arrived later than we agreed upon, so I was worried we wouldn’t get to the event on time, and thus disappoint the facilitator.. 
I’ve had my share of late arrivals and the necessary apologies for restoring my integrity… so I understood. However, since doing few “Integrity seminars” that’s not to be expected of me anymore. I am all about integrity in punctuality these days.

Off the record- when my clients arrive late - I don’t like it, but I can understand it. When they arrive super early, 10 minutes plus, I somehow perceive it just as rude as being late and unannounced.
The top of all rudeness was when a new client, a woman who wanted my coaching on a sensitive topic, arrived 1 hour and half earlier! She texted me at 10:15 that she is soon getting off of the bus and would be at my place at 10:30… hmmm… what happened to our appointment at 12pm?????

I was out, living my life, but I said, mhm, ok, let me catch a cab….
Then I, amateur, gave her also an extra hour FREE OF CHARGE.

Ok. My fault. I’m just a life coach junior …

Rick and I managed to miraculously arrive right on time. The time we were told the previous night… but the overall thing started 30 minutes late anyway! (just as always).

What did I discover today?

LOVE DOESN’T NEED TO COME FROM JUST ONE SOURCE. IF YOU WISH IT TO COME ONLY FROM ONE SOURCE, PLEASE DON’T MAKE IT A HUMAN BEING.

I love that spontaneous realization. Oftentimes, when we feel unloved, lonely, misunderstood, or we feel our lovers don’t feel the same about us, we latch onto them, trying to 'change their minds', squeeze out more love, but love is really all around us… there was so much love on the dance floor today!

How did I finally embody CLARITY?
I declared it out loud.
Breakthrough:
When deciding, FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

I started loving hugs…. The random hugs from random people. Some hugs are so frickin’ supercharged. Luckily, we are able to choose to let only love in… 
As people, we cary lots of unhelpful shit too, we store energies that should have been expelled long time ago, but in our defense we are also so full of infinite love. When interacting with others, we can choose to let only love in - Only love gets to get in!
Receive. Give. Feel the goodness. And that’s it.

I used to pick up on people’s shit, and soak it up like a sponge… but I don’t do that anymore. The resolution was a conscious choice. A respectful one, but definitely one reflecting my new, higher level of self-love and self-respect. I have boundaries: I am here to support - but I am not here to “carry your shit”.
Amen.

God is my infinite source of love and wisdom. I want to ground myself there, and not feel hungry for human unconditional love. It exists - but it’s not the only source, and it needs to be given the space to roam free….

Regarding the clarity for my next ventures, studies and relationships… ugh. Tough cookie. The confusion is gone, or rather the negative emotion due to the perceived confusion by the story I invented... so, I am waiting for CLARITY to step in. (
Overnight, please??)




Embrace all of you!

My event “Are you still judging you?” went well. 

We browsed into the spheres of self-love and acceptance of the fearful ego more than anywhere else.

I utilized all that I’ve learned about my thought process and applied it in a positive and simple, no-pressure way, so others could see that: the judging will never stop! 
But we can disassociate from its detrimental effects of paralyzation. If people don't act upon their deepest yearnings because of a "story" they have, they'd keep judging themselves in a harmful way.

The trick is to separate the negative emotion from the story we are telling ourselves about the original experience. Negative emotion is a sign that we are still processing what happened to us, and unfortunately, we tend to get absolutely overwhelmed by feelings of powerlessness and therefore, in many cases, we are paralysed to change the "story" to something that would empower us instead.

The emotion is not the enemy. It is the self-sabotage, or the 'justified non-action' that is.

I'd like to think I devised a tool for seeing the distinctions, for recognizing what is real and what can be thrown away. 
Self-love and self-respect in spite of the fears are key to master the courage to change the broken record running in our subconsciousness.

I got a nice feedback and I saw that people were leaving grateful and inspired.
I wish I had the extra balls to have promoted my new services as a starting life coach too, not just a "motivational speaker".
But we all have to begin somewhere, hey...
And perhaps the word of mouth will do its trick...

I will do this again.