Wednesday, November 30, 2016

I am back ON!

I was off. 
After blocking him on Sunday night, determined to not putting up with his friendly, yet torturing messages or calls again*, I spent Monday and Tuesday in a haze. If you still love the person, and cannot give up the hopes that someday... (someday, they will change, we get back together, and everything will be better), then keeping in touch - 
IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. He/She will feed your hopes with the right phrases at times, meanwhile, they may also turn around and say the sweet words to someone else (to whoever has replaced you). But of course, if you hold no hopes for once getting back together, go for it. Take your conversations lightheartedly, and have fun! 
I recognized the familiar symptoms of depression creeping in (probably started on Friday). I didn't want to get out of the bed, I couldn't smile, I was a robot at work, I felt so worn down, and the heaviness on my chest just wouldn't let go. Heavy, yet so empty, a deep hole inside. 
I thought I missed his texts already! It was not a happy week.

I am so glad I went out 'into the wild' yesterday evening, not knowing where my steps would take me, and to WHOM.
I met this professor, whose warm heart and interest in me totally opened my eyes to how much I was blessed. I looked at the lit up Story Bridge, and I knew I was at the right place. 

It doesn't matter that I am not a city girl, it doesn't matter that He had what I wanted, and lived in a countryside. I can find my peace wherever I am, whatever I am doing, whomever I am with, and whatever I am having at the moment.
I am looking for sustainable ways to achieve this internal peace. 
What if one day I found myself on a deserted island (unlikely, but what if:)) with no entertainment, no wine, no other drugs, and no people to have sex with to bring about a happier state of consciousness? I'd have to rely on my natural abilities to make myself feel better.
That brings me to the urgency of having to create a page where I'll share what has worked for me throughout the past years. How I got off the meds about 3, 4 years ago, changed my diet and lifestyle soon after, and how now, 90 % of the time, I thrive.
You can read my recommendations here.

Please have mercy on me
Take it easy on my heart
Even though you don't mean to hurt me
You keep tearing me apart


And even though you got good intentions
I need you to set me free
Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart


Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Do all highly intelligent people drink regularly? #SheldonHadItWrong

I thought about my past University professor in the morning, and met another one in the evening. I had a very stimulating chat tonight - over a couple of glasses of water.

I think I am onto something.
I remember hearing my professor from a couple of years ago saying that he enjoys regular drinks of red wine. I also remember my dear girl friend enjoying some with him [wine] in all innocence, of course. He was her supervisor and a mentor. I think.
Dr. Donovan was extremely intelligent!
He must have had such a brain capacity, larger than the universe. I could grasp about 10% of what he was saying, but somehow I got B in the end (Nope - not having shared any wine or anything with him). The fact is, I am a great storyteller. I can talk about pretty much anything - which helped me even in the academic setting, yes! I enjoy philosophy, but hey, I am no Kant, Sartre or Kierkegaard (but that guy I get a bit).
Dr. Donovan was just something else. He had this grace about him while giving us lectures about stuff that half of us didn't fully comprehend. Sometimes it got me spacing out (more often than not), and doodling into my notebook. He was an attractive man. And he liked to talk about his private life and a love of wine a lot.
How could such an intelligent man consume alcohol?

Well, because most overly intelligent people do! I sometimes wonder, what the deal was with Sheldon. 
True, Leonard drank for him. But so did Penny... so where is the fine line? (No offense meant, Penny!) I mean, intelligent people drink and are still - intelligent. Not so smart people do, too - and get even worse.

Tonight, this lovely man, Ralf, a University professor and a writer, confessed he tended to drink too much.
To my surprise, he told me that 2 glasses were fine! In fact, he said 2 glasses are perfect to shut up the mind-chatter and open up the flow of creativity for writing. I was astounded. I did not want to believe that that was the smart's person secret for 'coping'. But it made sense.  Alcohol is a relaxant (apart from being a depressant), and that is why we non-abstinents use it.
However, people like you and I most likely cannot create too well on it. I have a nice IQ - won't publish, but I believe it is above average. I am not sure if I am using it right though! Would the right amount of wine enhance my skills? Kill the self-doubt, the stress of performing, the fear of judgment??
How come I was pissed after just 2 glasses the other day? I had to go right under my sheets. 

How stressful can a really high IQ get? The capacity to learn new things, be constantly hungry for knowledge - and then remembering it all - it is a stress in itself. Professors tend to be that way - high achievers priding themselves in their knowledge. 
The reason why I don't need to drink to relax is that my monkey mind-chatter also commands me to do nothing, to switch off the brain and put my feet up on the table. My mind also makes me feel guilty for procrastinating, but hey, I am a woman, I am being and feeling - that is what I'm doing.

These 2 professors are on the border of geniuses (perhaps). I wonder if Einstein drunk...  (Ok, googled, mixed responses. Whether it was his dirty little secret, we may never know. But he smoked, and he had strange sleeping habits!)
It is quite remarkable how intelligent people can drink themselves to creativity and also to nearly unconscious (yes, they did confess) - BUT there are still enough brain cells left for them to give jaw-dropping seminars that stimulate, inspire, and make us think

No getting over something - but getting over YOU!

I watched a video (in Czech) about a professor unexpectedly announcing a written exam. He hands out papers to the students and has just one question to ask - What do you see? Describe. 
On the paper, there is just one black dot. One tiny black dot in the middle of a blank, white A4 paper.

Students begin the task. When the professor receives the papers back, he reads them out loud, but says he will not mark them. 
His aim is to illustrate that all the people in the class focused only on the small black dot. Nobody wrote about the blank space. 
His conclusion is that that is what most people do in their lives - they focus on the black dot which represents, diseases, financial anxieties, and broken or lost relationships.
Nobody questions what lies on the other side - in the white space surrounding the dot. 
He suggests the students rather focus on the blank space and fill it with happiness.

I love that professor!
I agree, get out of your own way and look for the white space outside of the black dot!

Find the evidence that what you think you feel is not true.
I did today.
Once again I had a scary thought that I wouldn't get over my ex fully anytime soon. Regardless, I got out of my messy apartment and tried to see the city as if it was the first time. I fell in love with Brisbane again, plus I met an attractive man whom I had a very inspiring conversation with. Isn't that good enough for one Tuesday evening?

Monday, November 28, 2016

What do you get when you strip the illusions off?

What happens when you take the person off of the pedestal?

What do you see when you set side your stories about them?

What is left when you stop making excuses for their actions?

a self-centered person
an abuser
a lier
a player
a cheater
not a very clever person

Why are we sometimes afraid to name what we're experiencing the person like?

I blocked him. Again. But I could have stopped already in May.

I had to block him. My last message yesterday was:

You know I'll have to block you, and you know why.
But you might don't know how I feel when you text me that you still keep all my stuff around the house or that you have great memories and watch our pictures all the time...Whether you speak the truth or not, it makes me feel like a million bucks...
It lasts couple of days max, then I remember that she stays, I'm gone. Each time you call I dread to pick up, I hear your empty words, then I feel miserable for days.
I am a dreamer and sometimes I dream too much. You have excuses for every area of your life. And I am interfering. I get it. Time after time I forget where I am, what I'm doing here, and why. Everything in Australia, on some level, reminds me of you. I'm handling it alright, but I'm looking forward to leaving.
You thought you knew me, but I doubt it. You said you knew what I needed, but I doubt it. It's not within your current perception.
I apologize for what I've done and said in the past. I feel sorry for my hard words. I believe it must have happened though, so I transform. I learn from my mistakes, unlike you it seems.
I accept your punishment and my wallowing in pain.
Yet, I can't be alone and be thinking about you, and I can't be with someone else and be thinking about you. This has been a nightmare.
That's why I have to block you.

I'm enjoying some peace again. I am focused. I study. I tidy up. I exercise. I feel positive. let's see how long it'll last. I'm prepared to take the risk.
Frankly, if I set aside my love, lust and the excuses I make for his unconscious actions, well, brace yourself...
I see a lier, a player, a long-time cheater, not a very socially intelligent person, and a man in a victim stance.
I could also attach stories to those nouns and to where he put himself to. But... does it change anything?

I'm reading my favorite prayer from Louise Hay and it feels like the truth, finally. In the past years, I noticed myself reading it but disbelieving it (some parts). In the past few months I had began reading it, gotten all teary eyed, and in the middle I was unable to force the words to come out of my mouth.
Today, I celebrate the day I am living my truth! 

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Feelings vs. Intuition

I wonder - why are my feelings so far away from the reality? Why do I make excuses for other people's behavior? 
What is this thing called intuition? A therapist once told me, "it's a feeling coming out of nowhere without any prior analyzation" (You just have an idea to pack the umbrella. You didn't watch the forecast, but something makes you grab that umbrella)

Do I analyze too much these days? My intuition must have gone on a holiday.

These two things work better than wine. THESE HEAL.

HO'OPONOPONO - a mantra-prayer that gives you peace without even understanding why or how. Tears fell, but no bad emotions arose. After just few minutes, my anxiety is gone.

Walking barefoot and hugging trees - grounds you and restores your natutal energy within. I walked for almost 1 hour through the city(!) in the dark.  Strangerely, no undesirable objects stuck in my feet, no accidents, and the soles look like if I rather levitated. I loved it!

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Women Who Love Too Much [are sick addicts]

I'm onto this!

"Robin Norwood, a California therapist, fully believes that women mired in obsessive relationships--those they suspect are all wrong for them but cannot shake--are as sick as drug addicts or alcoholics.

``There`s absolutely no difference between being addicted to relationships and to drugs,`` she insists. ``People in these relationships get just as out of control and sick physically as do drug addicts. Their lives deteriorate in just the same way.``

Read the who article here:

Absolutely! Fuck...

Friday, November 25, 2016

Apology for my wine-talk. New perspective.

From today's balanced perspective I don't even know why I was so upset over the incident yesterday. Nevermind, I know that having expressed all my emotions in full was what helped me to get this kind of perspective.
I feel calm today (I drunk litres of greens, vitamins, and I ate lots of cocoa beans to get me through the day without yawning)
I am not upset/sad/jealous/bitchy anymore, I forgave myself for what I wrote (and I am leaving it there, however, I added a note at the end of my yesterday's post, since I had felt a little ashamed earlier), and I gave myself a pat on the back for having had just 2 glasses and leaving the rest.
In fact, I don't even enjoy the taste of wine anymore. It was a quick-fix which won't work for good - ever - I must do the uncomfortable inner work. 
Let's have alcohol detox for another 2 months (at least).

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Sometimes, I don't know how to cope either. #wine&bitchiness

I wish I wrote you something nice today, something inspiring, motivating and cheering. I meant to write about sweating at pilates class and how well that physical pain combats the emotional one.
Not a great evening.
Instead, I am having a little crisis. And there's no one to speak to. In this moment I wish there was a break-up help line. And whoever would answer would not need to have his/her shit together, it would not need to be Rori Raye with her amazing husband, it would not even need to be someone I've trusted before - I wish for anyone who would with a gentle yet firm voice tell me - it will be alright, so don't go for the whole bottle of wine. (Have a sip, or two, but leave some for later)
let go of the self-pity, and think about being productive tomorrow.
It just happens to be my voice all over again.
So what happened?
His on and off girlfriend popped up on my facebook... 'People you may know' Hmmm... I have never seen her in my life, nor I have ever nosily questioned our mutual friends about her appearance. I didn't want to know!
Her name is one of a kind, mutual friend one (Rowena), pages liked - his farm - is this even legal?? Sure it is her! The phantom girl I never met, yet heard of so many times before.
Why should I know her, or why would I ever want to befriend her? Don't you sometimes wonder what is this social network and the whole interconnectedness-business up to???
But really? Facebook is going to show me her face out of all those hundreds of other interconnected people it could have suggested? Please, facebook, be kind!!!!

It cut me up.
I thought I was almost healed... What a conceited idea.

I know. All my molecules know. We are not going to pollute ourself by this man's bullshit.
But he is still running in my system. How to clear him out?

Is it just jealousy?
I don't mind him fucking whomever.

So why is there no peace when I see her profile???
I was hoping he had exchanged me for a skinny supermodel.
But what I'm seeing is far from my imagination. Realistically, I should have known no superslim, fine, supermodel would ever want this guy¹.
He sure deserves whom he got².

Oh, I forgot, she must have a good heart!
You see, it was just easier for me to think I was not good enough.

Looks don't matter to me, yet my way of measuring and comparing myself does impact my life (rather negatively). Yes, it sucks. I gotta stop the comparing.
Obviously, looks don't matter to HIM
- why did I ever feel so self-conscious?
She has a good heart, I must have been the bitch, is there anything else? :)

¹. ². Apology : 25.11.2016
I am so sorry! My yesterday's wine-talk is not making me proud today. I will leave that bit where I'm judging him (².and her, indirectly, but you get the idea :/), so anyone can see what comes out of me when I'm hurting.
Obviously, a 'curvy model' like me once wanted him like crazy - why wouldn't anyone else be allowed?
Yes, I was wined and I was in pain, getting all defensive of my stance!

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Gratitude Image

Post in a Newsletter by Nick Ortner (TheTappingSolution)

How real are your real emotions? #miracles

"Emotions are fine - just don't follow them" - Tibetan lama
That's precisely what I'm trying to say with some of my long posts :)
There will always be emotions and feelings that are going to drive us nuts. It's important to knowledge them for our long-term sanity, and then mindfully shifting the focus away. 
Breathing in and out, even shaking our heads in disbelief. 
Emotions seem so real in our reality, but in the expansive world that we may never fully understand, and we may never get to know the one 'reality' - they are but a passing occurrence. They come and go. Do you still think they really exist?
Like love or money worries. You worry and you worry... is that making you any money? Is that bringing you a partner? Are your worries any more real than the extra money or the new person you can't even touch yet?
How do we follow our dreams/intentions rather than the (maddening) emotions?

My getting all of a sudden so organized, and centered has one disadvantage. Things seem quite predictable now. I can schedule my days, I can plan my future a little bit, in fact, I think I must do so. I walk around feeling mostly good (comfortable) - but. 
But I also feel a little sucked out by the fact that this is it. Basically, where is any room for surprises? What if tomorrow turns out unexpectedly better than what I had imagined for myself? Why could not something extraordinary happen? My thoughts and emotions keep telling me "This is it, Pavlina. Tomorrow you're gonna get by just fine, like today and yesterday, and then you're gonna go to bed (alone) like today, yesterday, and the past year. Probably another 7 years without a serious partner. It's all good. Your life is good. If you get the blues, be more present at work, go to the gym, organize your closet, call somebody..."
Is this IT?!

What if there is more money in the reality that I've not yet had the pleasure to discover. Some opportunity that I don't even know that I don't know exists. Why not believe in miracles? Miracles can sound as such fatasyland-like features, but if you come to think about it - if you want something outside of your box, it might as well be given to you by a miraculous chance.
Let alone the new guy whom I have not yet met. I scheduled my days so tight, there is not enough room for him to step into my reality and sweep me off my feet. But what if my anxious feeling wasn't as real as it feels - and the room IS big enough for him to squeeze in...

I believe the way to follow our dreams, and our best thoughts, goes through believing in miracles. Anything totally extraordinary, wonderful and out of the blue can happen right now. It's all there out there in the reality that you and I have perhaps just forgotten about. Life can get predictable only when you believe it so. I choose to not act upon those emotions which tell me that "this is as good as it gets".
Let's get unreal.

Just passed by this Himalayan Cafe

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Being mindful (and considerate) #escapism

I have been unusually focused and productive these days. Could it be His demanding business trip, hence the absence of his texts? Ok, it's been just 24 hours. It is more likely my sleeping having gone back to normal.
I insist on giving myself credit for functioning so optimistically even when feeling the sleep deficiency, the PMS bloat, the stress of meeting deadlines at school, and the irritation caused by certain clients and also Rowena's escapism! Now, I have been the queen of all escapists, but this weekend my dear friend, Rowena, topped that.
A little story about her speedy trip up to Brisbane.
She has the most beautiful family in NSW, she has a steady job, great friends, and she has good health (still - looking at her horrific habits - I can't believe it!)
But the truth is, I have no idea what it is like to walk in her shoes. Maybe, if I had a house full of kids and animals (or just animals), my husband would expect hearty meals on the table every day, and my boss would be a dick (ehm), I would probably pack my cigarettes and whiskeys (chocolates, in my case), and drove 500km to do whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted, too. So my getting irritated (silently) by her forgetting to regularly update me regarding her plans was quite unsympathetic. My compassion and mercy returned when I finally hugged her.
It was a short visit, but I enjoyed showing her and her friend around.
I had lost some appointments while waiting for her to make up her mind about the itinerary, expecting her at this time, and the next moment at that time, but all good. Her fast and furious running around, not taking into consideration I also have a life is but a minor obstacle on my road. Picturing myself in her shoes right now, I would have stayed in Brisbane for good!
I have a great life. Even when I wish to have children (and a faithful husband like hers), I wouldn't exchange what I've got now and how I'm feeling about myself. Being mindful and present to whatever we've got is a direct access to feeling at peace. I had managed to feel this peace and positivity even when the outside world was all spinning last week. And let's hope it will keep on spinning!
After all, Rowena craved just the adventure that escaping brings. But you won't ever escape yourself :) Oh, how many times I have convinced myself of that!

Sunday, November 20, 2016

About Rejection

Today, I'll give you some findings from my life to save you the trouble of feeling really let down.

You shouldn't get mad if somebody says NO to you.

I know that after "NO" you think there must be something wrong with you or your proposal - not handsome, smart, funny, tall enough and other things, and then you turn that ickiness against the person who rejected you.

You'll start to judge them, you may even start to hate them, and then resent them for spoiling something that could have been great for you (or both). Your harboring of those nasty feelings, judgments, and resentments - is only gonna screw YOU.

If that is not a good reason for not getting mad at someone for telling you NO - which means just NO (or: I don't want to) by the way - not that: your destiny is sealed, there's an idea for you to consider:

Try to apologize.

Part of my healing involved a call to my ex one day out of the blue, apologizing for putting him in a box. For judging him, not only for what he has done, but also "Who does he think he is" for not taking me back?

I was the judge of his momentary preferences. Whether it was exchanging me for a moment, or leaving me for good. His reasons are his reasons.
I was righteous in my own wrongdoings and stubborn stances, and when the rejection came, of course I turned the ickiness it had stirred up within me against him. The ickiness was mine! if I think I am unlovable - I have a problem. Not him.

Therefore, try and apologize for blaming your 'rejector' for whatever their NOs had stirred up within you, so you then began harboring resentments because the ickiness just wouldn't let go. You were blaming and judging before knowing what was going on with the person in question.
NO means "it won't be happening".

So, you might as well sort yourself out, and leave the rejector out of it?
Your apology will go a long way. NO is really not the end of the world. Your attitude is everything. Do not worry about being rejected. Just go and find your YES.

About Keeping In Touch

If you decide to stay in touch with your ex and you happen to be in occasional, if not daily, conversation, I hope it feels fun and EFFORTLESS for you!
Today I laughed reading my ex's messages and watching a video he sent me. I appreciated how effortless and sincere it felt to amuse myself by parts of his life.
I truly have no agenda other than to completely heal any resentments, and be able to grow into a woman which will make someone else happy and more than grateful to have.

My friend Melanie's ex husband, whom she is still on good terms with, called her one day saying:
"Help! I'm afraid my wife will kill me, so I'm hiding."
She chuckled and asked: "What have you done?"
He said: "She's caught me cheating on her."

Before you judge - oops, too late? - pause. What your ex did or is doing is (finally) not your business anymore! Isn't that great?
You can actually laugh your head off now!
Melanie did find it funny.
You don't need to 'help', you can just be there, reassured, that whatever once compelled you to make the decision and split up with him/her, was absolutely the correct thing to do for your own WELLBEING.
Now you can enjoy the conversations while living your awesome life.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Keep the body moving, and set yourself free

I feel even more accomplished when I do something despite not feeling like it.. When the things that I know are good for me, are actually those I choose over the ones I know are not as good for me.
Once again, I am being reminded that adults are not allowed to do just what they feel like and to not do what they don't feel like.

When I drag myself down the road, it takes me around 20 minutes of walk uphill and then downhill, to my dance or yoga practice and I still don’t feel like it, but once there I lay myself on the floor or a mat, I breathe out and I know it will be fine.

I’m there. I showed up.

I get up, start moving, and I feel how good this disciplined movement is or me. The thoughts are still flowing, but my mood is lifting as if by a wave of a magic wand. Nothing about the outside world has changed, I still have problems, but I am not consumed by them, because my body is frickin' BUSY. I loose myself in the music, in the pain of the postures, and my mind cannot but relax - it is quite extraordinary, yet simple.

Keep the body moving, and you set your mind free.

The mind-chatter becomes manageble, if not entertaining and creative, and your spirit is joyfully dancing on the plane with other high-vibe spirits.

During the final stillness part or savasana pose I am lying exhausted and sweating but feeling great, relaxed, recharged, and free, knowing that I just did something really amazing for my emotional and physical health.

If I only ever did what I momentarily felt like… I would be in my bed, procrastinating, and thinking about sh**.
How beneficial or productive is that?

Friday, November 18, 2016

Blame it on the moon?

During those seven consecutive days a month, every month, I push myself hard to not have a glass of wine.
Gotta say that resisting has been a challenge this time!
PMS and the full moon (supermoon) is a killer combination! I have not yet recovered. I could hardly get any sleep, perhaps due to overreactive adrenals, then I spent my days with a headache thinking about coffee (which I don't drink), yawning, but so full of energy again at bedtime.
Today I'm still dragging myself around and waiting to burst.
I'm aware what a one funny bundle I must have been this week!
I have to order myself to get up and go to my dance practice. In a sec. Make my way up there, then force the steps one by one...
I do stand by not drinking down whatever it is that I'm feelingšŸ‘

Thursday, November 17, 2016

To question what is real is gold!

I used to think that questioning myself and the world as I saw it was a bad thing. However, not so long ago when I realized that my brain couldn't be trusted, I began to appreciate how incredibly pliable our human experiences were. 
I admit, many of my memories are distorted. I can either have a great experience, and later I come out of it thinking it was rather average, or I have a bellow average experience (pretty bad), then I come out of it thinking it must have been kind of awesome. I am not kidding! For example, I hated the first part of a group session I participated in (In fact, I really dislike most group things), and then a week later when I finally 'got it' I thought to myself What a fuckin' profound lesson that was! What a brilliant session! (class, name it)
Furthermore, one day I think I am so in love, and this man is truly amazing and special - but the next day I forget to put those rosy spectacles on and - I am seeing how delusional I have been. 
Yes, yes I tend to only see and hear what I want (or expect) to see and hear.

Tonight, during a yoga class I observed a painful sensation in my right ankle. I was trying to remember what I did to it, and when exactly it became so tender, but I couldn't figure it out. (I sprained it 15 years ago, but it has been sufficiently serving ever since) So, during a particularly uncomfortable child pose (sitting on my heels) I was wrinkling my brows in pain and thinking Child pose should be your safe, relax, recharge pose - wtf? 
As I got mildly frustrated, I also allowed to welcome the idea that my pain must not be real - child pose should be the easiest pose in yoga! Right. 
I angrily told myself that I must have been feeling the past injury (never-mind if 15 years ago or 1 week ago) and I gave myself a command to stay present and feel the supposed relaxing effects of the child pose NOW.
The pain disappeared. It was GONE. For the rest of the class I had not even known about my ankle. The focus was of it, there was no discomfort, no pain, so I could do what I was told.
Let this linger for a moment... there is some awesome lesson in this!
Like - the feelings you have for someone don't necessarily need to be real NOW, but they might have been some hundred years ago. (I know, I have a little faith in you lot getting my metaphors! ;))

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

There are DEEP-feeling men out there!

The November issue of Holistic Bliss magazine rocks!
It's focused on men's wellbeing this time, and it is so damn juicily organized to gradually open your eyes to a whole new, foreign world out there - if you're a woman. 
I find it so fascinating when men share their feelings and I melt seeing real emotions.
At last, I know what works for me! No cold, distance-keeping men, men drinking down their emotions, nor complete Jokers please. 
By the way, the other day I had the pleasure to meet a man who seems to be the type I admire and learn from. So kind, generous, composed, aware, gentle yet passionate about so many things, nature loving and just happy and totally in love with life.
I am not saying I want this particular man in a romantic way, but I am definitely on the right track.
It feels so good to attract people of similar energies. I can see how I used to be not so happy about myself and my life. Thankfully, things have shifted.
As I transform inside, so does the world outside.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Say NO to breadcrumbs and YES to a whole loaf of bread

I had to process the fact that I had been unwittingly settling for mean breadcrumbs. My sense of humor came back as soon as I understood my thinking better. 
Imagine, the person you still have a weakness for keeps throwing you tiny crumbs of affection and periodically feeding you like this.
Why does one keep going after these scraps? There must be a whole loaf of bread somewhere! We're not fowls to settle for breadcrumbs. But can you see it?
Well, there's a bit of psychology behind this game.
The 'feeder' thinks my and your starving will have us pecking infinitely, and it makes him/her feel like they have secured an ally for the rainy days.
As per our running after those loving crumbs, it solves the problem of putting ourself out there once again and make an effort to find the filling loaf (If it's too metaphorical - I mean the new man or a woman!)
I realised that being interested only in those little pieces thrown at me keeps me safely put and pacified, but also small and starving!
To get hungry, and disinterested in the scraps would mean I'd actually have to get up and go get the the yummy smelling, crusty at the top, squishy in the middle, wholesome, nourishing, enlivening loaf of bread. I can really almost taste it...
If you can imagine it, you can do it!

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Letting go... Can't afford to wait any longer.

Just looking at some of our photos, and they speak to me. We once loved each other, no doubt, and we were once so alike in our ways of getting by in life, dealings with our deepest yearnings, and all the defense mechanisms in love. We mirrored each other's imperfections perfectly.
I've outgrown him this year. I still have dysfunctional ways at times - but I am aware and I am transforming them every step of the way. He seems to be still stuck in his limited concepts of the world and the self; meanwhile, I have just released myself.
If he's not going to work on himself (he doesn't want to do what helped me), I truly must move on.
I am hurting myself and others by waiting for him to step up.
(Why am I still interested in breadcrumbs when there's somewhere a freshly baked loaf of bread???)
Saying he still has feelings for me is not enough in this case. It won't bring me babies! :)

Answering those random calls IS a step back. But do not despair. Even that teaches a lesson.

I don't want to bitch about him, but... Aaaargh, I feel so bad when he calls me and I am unprepared to hear about his strange relationship, him being still stuck on me and his plans to some day break up with her! Like, what for? 
Why are you still with her, even if she comes around once or twice a month? 
Do you really want to break off something so convenient??
Anyways, I am not waiting for that, right!
I am trying to plan my summer...I thought I would come over as he said he would help me with my business (I don't know why). But after this call, I have mixed feelings about his integrity again.
I should have known that he might have wanted me over, but can't do that.
That pretty much sums up his character: Dreamer. Wisher. Not in a position to deliver. Prone to melancholy. Can't do that.
Maybe I'll move somewhere cooler, like Melbourne....
I was quite composed and loving during our conversation. However, few times I couldn't help but wonder whether I was hearing signs of sneaky manipulation, or just plain bullshit. 
I really don't know why I still pick up....
I'm getting tired of his innocent calls, pretending to check up on me, when in fact he can't wait to pour his heart out about his business, her, his family and his health. When is he going to tell me something pretty?
Never. I admit I still have a weakness for this guy, but his actions speak louder than words, check this out ->
Not here, not coming, not scheduling, not helping, not in it with me.
If only he split up with her, sat down to his Toyota and drove himself to me. Here, he would apologize, took me into his arms (perhaps lifted me up, and swirl around), and then we would have a long....
I really must get him out of my mind. It's a fuckin' comedy!

Discover your love language

To my surprise, my preferred love language (the language of a person I desire) is "Acts of Service". After reading the detailed description, I see it sounds a lot like what I've always wanted from a man! 
My second highest is "Quality time". Being a zodiac sign Leo, I love and need undivided attention (maybe that's what caused some jealousy problems in the past...) 
"Physical Touch" and "Receiving Gifts" scored the lowest points.
I love hugs, but for example, hugging random people at spiritual events takes a bit of a courage from my side. I don't 'dig' it as much as cuddling with just the one I want to be intimate with when we're being alone - spending quality time together, yay! :) 
Regarding gifts... it never meant much for me. I prefer him saying I love you ("Words of Affirmation"), but at best I'd love him doing things for me over just talking about it.

I highly recommend you try this short quiz at for a better understanding of your needs in relationships, or just for fun!

Just Be, Connect, and Share

"There's nothing to do, there's nowhere to get to" - Petra Lane

Well, tonight's cacao dance ceremony was beyond delicious!

I am so glad for Facebook. You can find every detail there! For the first time since signing up to keep in touch with my REAL friends, I actually started 'connecting' to people I meet even randomly. I no longer lie - saying I don't have a facebook account (meaning: I am not interested in what you've got to say, and I don't want you to really know me).
So, I collect friends now. And the new guy that looks kinda cute... is in a relationship. Haha!
I am glad I can see it online and despite my new attitude to the  'polyamoric' stance (It works for some people...!), I don't think I want to jump to it just yet. My heart is really expanding, so it can clearly hold many people.
So many possibilities out there! I want to keep my eyes open ;)

Friday, November 11, 2016

Is being loved enough?

During tonight's session of 5rhythms we danced to Be For Real by Leonard Cohen. I had no idea he had passed away on the 10th. I used to enjoy his personality encrypted in his writings. I must say that tonight I got triggered by these particular lyrics "I don't want to be hurt by love again". It striked me as something very commonly heard, yet void of any rationality. I would feel compelled to comment on that, were I involved in some philosophical discussion. I feel positive that Cohen would love to debate about that!
How can one be hurt by love?

Love doesn't hurt! (Oops, another famous song got it wrong)
Love is love. A pure loving energy.

It couldn't have been love that hurt you but your beliefs about how love should look like, the context in which you saw the world, your expectations, and your reasons for staying in a situation where any heartbreak could occur. The heart wouldn't break, but your dreams or your pride would.

It isn't love that stabs in the back - Whatever it is, if it hurts, it must be something else. Perhaps some neglect of personal needs, minimal self-love, non-involvment in your lover's needs, unaddressed jealousy, inflexibility of the mind, fear, resistance to change, and non-acceptance of who you are and who you could become - nothing sounds like love to me.

It seems to me truer now more than ever that Love is when you accept the other person unconditionally, and wish them to be happy. Maybe they want other lovers while still loving you, maybe they want to leave you while still loving you. Love doesn't choose.

When I receive His text saying "I love you" .. I still melt, but I also know that being loved by Him is not going to make my life a happier or more abundant place.

Being loved by someone will not save you.
Being in love with life, and giving love to yourself and others will.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

What is love? II.

Before leaving to the park yesterday evening, I had received a reply from Him. He did text me "I miss you" after all! (In my Monday's post I confessed  I expected these words after our silence). Yesterday, he shared his feelings. It took him 3 days but he did. It means a lot to me, but I just want to note - that my happiness, the deep feeling of Love I had felt all day long was independent of his interaction with me whatsoever. I let that longing for his text go the moment I realized I had desired it (Monday evening)!
Yesterday was a new day and the whole day was wonderful. Little did I know that in the evening I would receive a reply from him. 
You see, love can be felt even when the object of your desire is not on your mind - just no agenda.

In the park I experienced a totally unexplored drive to contribute to the world in a meaningful way.
On my way home I expanded that 'agape' to my ex, too. I want him to be happy. If that is without me, then I hope he'll get what he wants in that other woman, or other women... and that got me thinking some more. If I am this loving, open-minded and open-hearted woman, jealousy has no place even in a serious long-term relationship. Just no place.
Love is so pure, and when I experience this pure energy I feel I could share anything - even my boyfriend/husband/partner. 
I feel quite shocked that this has occurred to me 14 hours ago (of course for the first time in my life), and after some sleep it still sits with me. Mind you, I used to be so jealous and possessive - this is really a hot news! I hope I won't regret posting this up. Haha.
I must let this realization hover in the air for a bit longer...

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

What is love?

Today felt like a very special new day. I literally bathed in love. My yoga practice felt like making love! (No man in sight today, but I just felt some sexual breeze coming over me while doing all the postures. Yeah, unusual)
I shared with the yoga center receptionist about the recent course I did, and I was really surprised by her positive reaction. Was I afraid she'd think I was being a smarty-pants? 
I couldn't come up with the precise reason for my happiness until I went to the park to sit in silence.
There, I acknowledged myself for stepping outside of my ego last night. It had wanted to feel powerful and assertive. Perhaps because my mother's behavior in the past had unwittingly trained me into thinking that my assertiveness protected me from manipulation.. 
When put in front of a decision regarding my future last night, the impulse was to reject the opportunity.
However, saying NO just because - or because it makes me feel rebellious (and pisses all enthusiastic people off), is not really getting me anywhere....
Where do I want to be in few years? Sitting in a corner with my arms crossed, frowning my brows and pouting my lips?
Well, I am not 7 years old anymore to afford that!

I figured that LOVE is truly manifested when you care about other people more than you care about your own problems. All the stuff we hold on to and think it is so special (e.g. My parter just split up with me!) takes us away from what is really important --> Other People and The World we all live in. There are homeless people pissing and sleeping on benches in a park, there are prostitutes thinking they're no good for anything else, and there are abandoned children growing up feeling unlovable. 
I saw everything today.

So.. What can I do to contribute to a major shift in the lives of underprivileged people?
I don't know.
But I'll find out.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

If you want more out of your life

Do not use your hearbreak as an excuse for not caring about others.


"If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done."
- Thomas Jefferson

Committing to something despite your fear of commitment.
Completing despite feeling like quitting.
Staying despite wanting to run.
Loving despite being hurt.
Connecting and sharing despite the fear of judgment and betrayal.

Feel the feelings and resistance, then act in accordance to what you want to CREATE, not what you need to resist.

Be Bold and Beautiful 

Monday, November 7, 2016

Why is it so hard to let go?

I have a confession to make. After my post - Surrender the idea you can fix someone, I was still fixing. Not Him but the broken relationship! I entered some kinda unconscious game of giving him enough space for his own growth in my absence, yet I still kept waiting and fishing in a sneaky way..

It downed on me one night that MY silence was perhaps making a difference in HIS life - yet in my life it was all a screaming violence! I half-expected a message within one week of giving him the space (something like: I miss you?) - and guess what, it wasn’t coming. So I tried to contact him over this weekend as part of the course's 'cleaning up of one’s mess' process.

Mess it was. We kept missing each other’s availability, so no real talk yet. However, my mind figured it all out - he has his lady over and is not in a mood for my 'cleaning and sorry acts'.

I sat by the river, and wept.

Then an Angel with sexy black wings appeared. To be precise, her name appeared on my phone. Yang called me to ask me how I felt. I couldn’t believe this girl’s sixth sense!

She has actually most likely saved my life the night before when she didn’t let me get out of her car unless I saw how pathetically uncoachable I was. I got it. I was resisting the possibility of moving on - in any area of my life. I kept going on and on about not even trying something different as if the battle was already lost.
Living happy, free and making a difference? "Not for me".

She called me and tried to console me as an adult to an adult. Except, one got her shit together, and the other one was crying on a bench by the river in a dark.

In minutes, I emerged. Sprung out from the deep black pit. What was I doing there again in the first place, anyway? I thought I should have been OUT already!

The power of friendship, connecting and sharing moves mountains. It saves lives! Why am I sometimes such an isolating jerk?

I cannot thank her enough for the magical insight into my life. We have talked about me and Him few months prior, but I thought she wouldn’t have remembered the details.

Apparently, I couldn't let go as long as I perceived that relationship as a failure. Given my 'fixer' nature, I wanted another chance to fix my mistakes in that failed relationship. I didn't really desire the 'fixed' Him, or the past 'dysfunctional' Him, I desired to show him off the 'new', much more authentic ME in action.

Spoiler alert - I don’t own the time machine, and I cannot control which woman he chooses to have by his side. The remodeling of this broken relationship ain't happening!

I can only choose something else with someone else. I guess I have to make my declaration in the next post...
It is starting to make sense.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Le the new possibility hover in the air for a moment

Today I spent a really lovely day opening my mind and broadening my horizons. Instead of obsessing about stuff that happened and wasn't great, or stuff that has not yet happened and it frustrates me, I decided to be busy doing things I figured would give me nice, feel-good emotions.
I had a really fun and tasteful artistic photoshoot in the morning, and then, starving, I hurried to a lunch with a beautiful girl friend, Yang. We assessed all the changes that have happened since our last meeting at a self-development course 3 months before, and we acknowledged our progress. I cannot wait for the advanced course tomorrow.
My booking got cancelled, so I grabbed that extra time to run out to the park and do some exercise. I didn't sweat too hard, but something was better than nothing!
Later, my friend from dance classes, Trevor, picked me up and drove us to my favorite place for dinner. I really enjoyed the company and the conversation and I listened with an open heart and open mind. You don't necessarily need to adopt the other person't philosophy in order to understand where they're coming from. You can just ACTIVELY listen.
Active listening is when you don't make any judgment, you don't offer any advices, nor make suggestions for a change of perspective. (I was already actively heard in the past - it is so warming)

This time I am willing to let the new information sink in before I form an opinion.
That could be my new life philosophy - no opinion until I try to imagine adopting the new possibility.

After a peaceful walk along the river, talking some more about the unpredictability of living, he then drove me back home. No need to put your hopes up for anything spicy, you dirty people out there! :p

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Charlie Puth - We Don't Talk Anymore (feat. Selena Gomez) [Official Video]

We don't talk anymore... Jealousy - Comparing, but staying on track

His last message (mine too) was nearly 2 weeks ago. It's the longest we haven't spoken since I blocked him in May and unblocked in June. How do I feel?

I feel jealous probably. Another woman has got his attention, his sex, his house (at least sometimes), and most likely his heart.

Today I massaged a beautiful South-American woman, and I remembered how I used to compare myself to his South-American ex. Not pretty feelings back then, let alone how unattractive it would have been for him if he only knew how much I worried about it at one point.

I really do admire women, their bodies and I can be very appreciative. Being supposedly quite good-looking myself (yay), it is quite important for me to cultivate allies rather giving others reasons to be envious of whatever they feel they don't have. How do I do it? I don't know, I try to be humble and I love giving compliments as I always find something beautiful about everyone.

Yet I still have this feeling that I am not being as good/pretty/fun as -her- or fill in the blank, and it is killing me! It must bother the ones who think that I am enough. I do see how totally unattractive this comparing is!

As I was reminiscing of the past, it put the song by Charlie Puth and Selena Gomez "We don't talk anymore" into my mind. It got stuck there. And honestly, I feel sad!

I feel like I miss him again. Maybe I just miss being the girl who was at one time better than the others??? Aaaargh

On another note, I have made the biggest progress in these past 2 weeks. I felt energized, good about myself, very positive about my future, and I observed more and more good-looking men on the streets (Ha, there are some in Brisbane after all!). I did not think about him too much.

I don't know what to do, but it won't be drinking a glass of wine: I've outgrown this "remedy". It would not bring him back and I would lose track of where I'm heading (into a new day filled with love, light, possibilities and hope).

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

About Sexual Longing

On my blog, there's no policy for keeping chaste, single with no sex, no policy for narrow-mindedness. Only policy for No Bullshit, No Judgment, and No Hurting Others By Cheating And Having Secrets. (I was guilty of all of that in the past, especially Having Secrets and I am going to bare all my secrets soon) 

So please, let's be human and honest here. I am not an advocate of promiscuity, neither of too long a celibacy. But then again - sometimes being safely promiscuous helps to keep oneself busy doing stuff that you'd rather be doing than dreaming about your ex, calling the one who doesn't want you, or harming yourself in any other way (alcohol, drugs, too much TV??) On the other note- what is it too long without sex? It is surely an individual thing. One week was too long for me when I got used to regular intercourse, one month was too long when I was in a long-distance relationship, but four months and half felt almost like nothing when I just didn't feel the need to leave my cocoon and meet other people. I needed that time of silence for mind clearing and my spiritual body cleansing. Ok, the first month I felt like an addict going through some pretty bad withdrawal symptoms: Constant, CONSTANT thinking about sex! It was so distracting and I couldn't stop fidgeting, masturbating or spacing out just to imagine him kissing me everywhere.
If you don't have any physical needs, no sexual desires, and never felt horny, then probably this POST isn't for you, but if you are going through a heartbreak, keep checking some other posts please! ;)

*A little side note: I have not yet read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman but it wouldn't surprise me, if my language is "physical touch" out of the other four: receiving gifts, spending quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service (devotion). But looking at that - I love to serve and being served, too! There should be nothing wrong with a sexual woman, right? Anyhow, I would like to keep it low at the moment as my past problems were the sooner the sex, the sooner the breaking up, and the worse the disillusionment. 

Back to what is on my heart today. Do you know how I came to realize that I was ready to connect with someone new without having Him at the back of my mind? The day he did not cross my mind for a second while masturbating. So that was some news. I believe that no matter what you are telling yourself now about the person you once slept with, he/she could not be the best. If they were, they would have stayed and you guys would be between the sheets ever after.

If you like the human touch like I do, you'd know that you’re nearly OUT once the particular person doesn’t figure in your wildest dreams. The best healing happens if you can figure this out all alone, without an actual substitute for him/her in the bed. If you masturbate often or every day (I think you could, I find it very satisfying) it is a great practice to love your body and enjoy the ecstasy alone whenever you feel like. The other day, I didn't need to consciously try to push him out of my naughty head because he wasn’t there. It was me, my body, and an imaginary, mysterious masculine presence to make the experience more exciting. 

(Alright, I also overheard my building manager on the phone outside, and he has the most soothing voice I know!) Whatever works...

Also, don't get upset if every now and then your ex does come back to "haunt" you (in the bed) ! Until we break through the healing process, they may still visit in the erotic dreams. What can I say, stop resisting and enjoy the ride? Because if there is no one new yet, he/she is still 'the best'.