Sunday, October 15, 2017

We should never stop asking for miracles

It’s easy to get caught up in brooding over the only ideas and options we consider possible. 
What we think we know is not given. 
It brings a lot of stress devising plans based solemnly on what we know, the only resources we have available, the only people that wish to support us, and handling of issues that raise up. But what if we cannot envision all the good that could possibly happen? What if the things that we don’t know could come to life and make all the difference?

If we set aside everything we know about a situation, we find ourselves in an empty space that could feel intimidating. But it doesn’t need to make us anxious. If we admit that we don’t know anything - we cannot predict the unpredictable, and we still have a lot to learn about how best to live and share our lives, a sense of peace may be a surprising side effect.

I know that from this vast empty space, we are ready to accept miracles from the Divinity around us.
I keep noticing that if I calm down and stop reacting to what I think life’s been throwing at me, opportunities that I couldn’t have even imagined in my wildest dreams start popping up seemingly out of nowhere. Opportunities - miracles - that help us grow, help us see things from a happier perspective, are waiting everywhere.

A great idea that an abundance coach once taught me was to keep asking: Just how much of anything can I receive today?

There are no limits to the abundance of love, resources, good luck, health/vitality, or success.

Abundance-blocking is down to our sense of separation, seeing the world as a dangerous place, and subconscious 'looking forward' to how our plans blow up [again]. 
I see that “Be careful what you wish for” can equal to Be careful what you say you think is the ultimate truth about you, the world and what is coming for you. Because it will.

Regarding negative self-fulfilling prophecies - they don’t come as easily, thank God. Positive wishes, on the other hand, have 100% fulfillment rate if we believe in them and we give God/the Universe a free hand to deliver it in the best way possible. These manifestations, however, may have interesting detours too

What happens is one thing, and what will come out of it is another.

What miracles, near-miracles, are you grateful for?
A challenge: list three amazing things that happened in your life and re-live the exact feelings you had at the time they were happening.

For example: Seven years ago, I had been working my ass off, then I travelled, but I came back more lost and worn down than ever, not wanting to come back to the same job (I believe that's common!). I prayed for 'a real time off', some type of sanctuary where I would just rest and contemplate the next steps....
An acquaintance of mine, a photographer, called to invite me and my bestie, Ela to Switzerland... I didn't want to see him, but he sounded so busy, that I thought I could get a decent amount of time for myself while there anyway. My friend and I stayed at a luxurious mansion with servants, and, miraculously, my acquaintance was nowhere to be found...

Some time ago I was in debt, and could not see how I would get out of it and pay three more terms of my studies. Came closer to a Christmas time, when a massive opportunity opened the door to not only enough money to pay off my debts, but also to new networking opportunities which would bring some extra finance across two more years. That was just shocking. Before the event, I prayed and prayed, then I gave up and trusted that the Universe would somehow keep me on top of things. That opportunity came along (I acted on it) and it was way beyond my wildest dreams.

My ex. He was not what I had ultimately wished for in love, but he was exactly what I wanted based on what I was willing to believe about myself, men and the world at that time. He was an Aussie guy who swept me off of my feet, without my realizing it was happening. What he gave me - physically, emotionally and spiritually, still seems like a miracle.
Even though I can imagine fairy-tale-like endings, I would never go back. Because, I simply wouldn’t be happy - that is what it is, and what it was.

Of course, I could cite many more every-day-like miracles:

Not having valid tickets, explaining myself to the officers and getting away with it.
Or: One morning, when I was hungover in Argentina and about to sit down to a minivan to share a several-hours-long ride to a remote area, I realized I had no water on me. I had no idea when the next stop would be and my head was throbbing. I could had easily been mad at myself, but I remembered what a great time I had the night before, so I didn’t entertain any regrets. Then I looked down under my seat and I discovered an open, but 95% not drunk, water bottle…. It was a miracle!

And blah blah blah… I could brag forever :) - which is excellent!
An appreciation of the blessings we experienced in our lives brings more of them.

What new miracles do you need?

--> I need more security at work and sustainable, longterm relationships.
May it come in any way that would feel good!
Thank you, Universe!

P.S: I am so grateful for the time spent with my new Darwin family. I love hanging out with them, and I love the time on my own too!



Wednesday, October 4, 2017

The Ways We Make Decisions #sex

I believe in the power of conscious decisions. You want to have, be, or feel a certain way and you make it true by setting an intention.
The ways we are able to decide upon our behavior at any given moment are endless, and endlessly fascinating. 
My life has been about exploring my expressions in friendships, parental relationship, sexuality, romantic relationships and career choices. Obviously, these expressions have kept changing.

Yesterday I agreed to have a dinner up the tree house. I moved out of the commune, but I stop by to say hello nearly every day.
Feeling so free and myself, whenever I am around my new Darwin family, makes me reevaluate the self-imposed limited image of who I thought I was. 
I came to distinguish between 'living alone and thinking that's me - introverted but alive' and 'putting myself out there, sharing, caring, and accepting love from people who want to be more than strangers'. 
It is no longer uncomfortable. I know what setting I prefer now and what makes me come truly alive!

Likewise, it amazes me that rather than jealousy or envy, I feel gratitude for someone else sharing the same work, beliefs, and love for the same thing with the world, instead of my doing it. 
I am happy that EJ Love (the Love Priestess) will speak at the Awakened Woman Convergence 2017 in Arizona about healing sexual trauma, loving men again, and awakening one's sexuality. Many people will benefit. I love spreading the word myself, but I don't have to do all this work alone. Apparently, not in the same way as this Tantra practitioner. I support all awakened women in sharing what we believe with the rest of the world. I decided to be grateful for being part of this revolution and rejoice in the celebrations!


Other ways to effect the kind of behavior that is in alignment with our goals
I am not the one to object against hooking up for the sake of hooking up. However, it is all about HEALTHY expressions of sexuality.
This was not it: Today I was observing a substance-abusing woman with high heels and tight-fitting clothes on. She could have been anyone, but I doubt she valued herself. I doubt that any man who comes to her for "consolation" ever cares about who she really is. At the same time, I also doubt that the men who are desperate enough to come to any woman for that ONE thing, value themselves. 
People would do a lot to feel alive again and rediscover life's sweetness they think they lost. 
Cheating is another unhealthy call for something more exhilarating. It is an easy way out, so we don't have to look within and DO something uneasy about the current relationship. We could turn it into awesome, or we would have to change - thus stop hurting ourselves and others.

There are other ways in which we may come alive:
Nature, hugging trees, helping disadvantaged people, dancing... and yes, healthy, spontaneous, loving sex.

We can sleep with anyone (you know what I mean), but not everyone will give us the alignment of body-mind-spirit that we deep down truly crave. 
Being an attractive 30-year-old woman, I sometimes have to ward off men with a shovel.
Haha. But true.
So how do I decide upon whom to sleep with?
Is that by his looks? The brain? The bank account?
Well, no. I tried all of those and nothing really worked.
These days I allow "FEELINGIZATION" to step in and help. Visualisation is outdated, Arielle Ford coined the term "feelingization": Don't just watch the story in your head, feel the sensations you want to experience first!

At the moment, 'just sex' seems like the only realistic option out there for me given the time and place - hey, I am a foreigner on a bridging visa in a town full of backpackers! 
A relationship, anyone?
Regardless, I like to make sure that if I get physical, it is worth it. Therefore, these days I make decisions based on my body-mind-spirit connection and its workability. It needs to feel "right" in my gut.
I visualize, feel pleased, imagine the good fuck... and... and it finds me.

Sorry, there's no other punchline, that was it.






Friday, September 29, 2017

Hello, veggie!

Today I decided to take my laptop for a walk and work from a different setting.

I’m sitting in a vegetarian cafe with a super grumpy service… one cup of chai tea with soy milk, am I asking for too much?

Who would have thought that this supposed to be 'loving-kindness' trend of a lifestyle can end up turning people into miserable, grumpy, and in extreme cases - aggressive humans? Aren’t we vegetarians/vegans supposed to live up to the label of gentle, animal-loving, earth-honoring individuals? 
Generalizations don't always work; however, given some research and observation, there is always a seed of truth. 

I know way too many obnoxious vegans (not you, Hedwica), who are steadily driving me crazy with their radical aggressivity, in and outside of the kitchen. This appears to me as no longer about healthy eating habits, but ostensively about loudly opposing optimistic carnivores and their freedom of choice. Just live and let live, people! 
Nevertheless, I am detouring from my assumption that the ‘vegan’ barista just doesn't have his day today, and no matter the fact that I belong to his ‘cool kids club', he clearly doesn't like me :(

Maybe he’s homosexual?

I’m just joking.

But hey, observing him parading around… 
Never mind! 

Not everyone needs to like me. I prefer to attract like-minded people who are vibrating the same high frequency. It makes dealing with all the tribe members easier. Furthermore, I can stay myself.
Please God, don’t let me ever end up looking this bitter...
I’d rather have a piece of cheese every now and then or a plate of Barra once a month, than starting to act as an aggressive veggie.



Monday, September 25, 2017

Tropical commune as a gateway to deeper self-inquiry

This morning felt like a treat. I arrived at my English class nearly half hour earlier to find it still deserted. I sat down with my freshly roasted coffee (an occasional treat in itself) and inhaled in the peace and quiet. I nearly forgot what it felt like not to be talked to, let alone finding myself alone in a room!
My commune living is one of a kind. It seems like a hostel, but it's a couple of level upscale. Including me, there are currently four women living upstairs (normally six), two people living downstairs (normally four), and seven more people sleeping in nearby cottages or caravans, yet using the same kitchen and bathroom facilities. Yesterday I was told that a new couple was coming to stay upstairs and a new girl downstairs.
It's time to move.

While jumping up and down on my carseat over each bump on the red dirt road leading north of Litchfield National Park, and listening to some old-school rock tracks in the company of two lads and my roomie, I felt so much appreciation for my decision to move into the 'Tropical Paradise' community. 
I found new friends.
But at the same time I challenged myself, which led to growth. Old childhood trauma surfaced - feeling as a black sheep of the family, thinking I probably wasn't being accepted, and having my sleep disturbed by some noisy housemates. 

One evening, on my way home from the bus stop, I caught myself brooding over the aversion to coming back to the ever-eventful house and a female housemate in her fifties who just wouldn't shut up. Karen's only entertainment was the house with all its young 'backpackers'. 
I realised that an underlying fear of not being a good fit for that open-minded, open-hearted family was the cause of my funny mood. I had no need to socialize every day and I didn't want to force myself. But what if that could have been accepted? What if my new family knew about my introvercy and accepted it regardless? 
What if I was enough?
That night I told Karen to please give me some privacy. I told her I liked sharing, but I also needed some alone time to just recharge. She got it, and she left me at peace. A couple of days later she said she really appreacited my straightforwardness. Then we got talking and we both admitted to having been running all our lives, feeling trapped or not accepted for who we were.
My confession, therefore, had the opposite effect - she started liking me more, and motherly checking up on me more frequently...

Anyway, all the youngsters mingling in and around the house are such a cool bunch of people!
Yesterday Larisa and her mates organized a trip to Litchfield and generously invited me along. On the road trip I met all of her British friends from a previous hostel and to my surprise, no special skill was needed to fit in - except for jumping off cliffs and singing along rock songs.
Swimming with this bunch of beautiful souls felt like the highlight of my Australian adventure. Before meeting those Brits, I was unconsciously entertaining classic bitter single woman's thoughts: "Men are closed-off, feelingless, uncaring assholes just after sex and binge-drinking." Ok, I'm sorry for this dogma tripping, it happens to the best of us.

Perhaps it's only Karen's constant surveillance that bothers me about the commune living, nothing else. I shall ask myself - why does it do my head in so much? Maybe it's because I think "I'm 30 for fuck sake, I can cook my own dinner."
When will I unblock the stuck energy from the time when my mother pestered me around? That discomfort remains, yet no immediate threat lurks around. 
So, when will the stubborn child in me dare to grow up?!

Sending my love from Darwin
x


Sunday, September 17, 2017

Tropical paradise - a new home?

As I'm writing this in the beautiful Charles Darwin Botanic Gardens, I feel orgasmic and pumped by life. I guess that nature does it to (for) me!

I am considering taking up an offer to live in a community. A very cool guy introduced me to this lady living in the bushes in a 'Bali-style' house surrounded by magnificent tropical gardens.

I've noticed about seven people mingling in and around the tree house with a small ground cottage next door.

The number of bathrooms is limited, of course, so is just one kitchen there. But I also noticed an inviting pool, and a damn good vibe... The paradisal settings remind me of "The Beach" with Leonardo DiCaprio; however, I'm hoping it won't turn out as disturbing as in the movie!

I feel scared and aroused at the same time. Cohabiting is just so not me - or rather - it is so outside of my comfort zone.
I am a hermit, I am a private, isolating, poetic, and introverted individual!
People scare me sometimes, and now I should live with them? Let alone share with these strangers?

It sounds outrageous in my mind. Yet, when I consider my other option - the initial decision to start renting a cheap studio right in the middle of the CBD - the dryness of it wrinkles my brow. Suddenly, the tropical community appears much more interesting! The idea of being a part of the 'family' seems quite alluring to me. I guess humans were wired like that!

Still, it's breaking me apart. Why am I doing this to myself?

Perhaps because it's time to reach beyond the ordinary. To get out of my hermit routine..
I'd have my own small bedroom after all, a private little sanctuary if I wanted to keep the door shut.
The room is part of a 3-bed wooden cottage and has the very basics - a bed.

What more should I wish for, really?

There are showers too there somewhere, within a walking distance, I hope 😳
I will have everything I need, really...

Oh, let's just stop the lame reassuring!

I am scared, but this feeling shouldn't get in a way of my doing the things I am curious about.
If I try this communal living, even if
 for only a couple of weeks, my 'ideal' studio apartment disappears from the market.
But perhaps I won't care.
Perhaps I'll be living the Australian dream 🤔



Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Kundalini Raising

I adore men (they are such helpful sweethearts - why haven't I always seen that before?)

Ok, I've been very busy since my last post. I flew back to Brisbane on Friday for possibly the most spiritually fulfilling, life enhancing weekend of my life. I'm back in Darwin now and I'm looking for a place to stay.
Ummm... not fun being homeless.

Anyway, I'm still feeling supercharged.
Something shifted.
Many things shifted!
I am in union with my Shakti Goddess and Shiva God.
I made love to my imaginary beloved on the dance floor.

No actual intercourse happened to cause this ecstatic feeling.
My mind and my whole being felt orgasmic.
I must have had my very first 'public orgasm' while dancing and just breathing. Everyone was too busy orgasming themselves to notice! lol
I stood there, with everyone else, listening to Patricia's guidance, gently moving to the high-frequency music, breathing, attuning to the collective consciousness of bliss... and I wasn't there.

I felt the tingling, I felt the serpent coiling up from my sex center through my belly, creating fireworks around my heart, exploding sideways into my fingers and then shooting upwards via my head into my crown chakra. 
My kundalini energy was set on fire!

My body was present -  moving and shaking - yet my spirit was flying high, in another realm, making love with the Gods....
The best experience of my life? Possibly.
Totally satisfied? Yes.


Orgasm as we know it is not enough.

Human beings yearn to climax to release tension, but we can do much more - we can contain the pleasure, feel connected, understood, loved, safe and of course - feel free.
My Tantra experience is complete.
I am no longer a hypocritical teacher without a profoundly authentic experience.
Now I am called to become a Kundalini Dance Facilitator. That is it.
I am starting small. Because small is good.
In the eyes of God, I am small.
I am going to hold a safe space for people to explore what lies beyond their self-imposed limitations.
There will be simply a damn good music and my fine guidance. My guidance is based on Tantric wisdom that has personally helped me heal my own trauma stored in the body and subconsciousness, and the trauma of some of my past clients.
Let's just drop it.
Tantra Dance Darwin - coming soon.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Claim your life back

This video is so empowering, please watch.
It reminds me of the time a client asked me how I got rid of my panic attacks.

My first answer was: I just made a decision - a decision to never have them again.

Panic attacks are tricky, they get you when you least expect it - I still get very mild symptoms occasionally. However, these symptoms are just mere "muscle memory" and they do not interfere with my life or self-esteem anymore. It takes only a couple of minutes to breathe the panic in and out of my system. 

Five years ago I decided to be in control of my body's response to perceived threats. Unfortunately, emotional stresses can impact our bodies in undesirable ways!


I decided that:

I didn't want to keep leaving the classroom all dizzy.

I didn't want to feel the ground opening beneath my feet on a public transport.

I didn't want to eat something I perceived as 'naughty' and then get all sweaty, my heart pumping fast, and feeling afraid of death. (Eating disorders have many faces!)

I was no longer willing to tolerate spoiled nights out with friends, having them nearly undressing me in one instance, while I was unable to catch a breath (Not because they wanted to see me out of the skimpy little black dress!:)

Lastly, I said no to waking up in the middle of the night in sheer terror, gasping for a breath and fumbling in the dark for the window handle.

Those were my dirty little secrets....

When this client opened up to me, in fact, he had the attack 'live' while we had a session together, I remembered how scary and disempowering that condition used to be.

I hope I was able to give him some courage to face these attacks as not his enemy, but his messengers. The body remembers trauma like nothing else.

The only way out is through - accept. Maybe cry. Then forgive. And know that you are ONE decision away from claiming your life back.

xxx


5-4-3-2-1 I'm making a decision to live in JOY now!





Friday, September 1, 2017

The Treasures of Facebook

If you dig, you find. If you dig deep, you find more.

A couple of weeks ago, a new client surprised me by knowing a way more about me than I would have expected from a newcomer. He tracked me all the way to this blog - through my Tantra massage ad. I do not advertise this blog anywhere, but it's possible to find it through a link within a link on a private Facebook page, or on pavlinatribe.com. However, my Tantra ad is not connected to neither of those websites. It could have been a past workshop that I did which he came across or the sole fact that he works in IT. Either way, I was fascinated!

Today, I was contacted by someone I haven’t seen in good 5-6 years - through Facebook, of course. 

I am guessing that it was a 'friend list' of a mutual friend, or perhaps through one of my comments left under a friend of a friend’s photo or something. What’s the wickedest thing about it is that in the shitty little space of Facebook messenger, we were able to exchange real deep thoughts - pretty fast - that wouldn’t have been otherwise possible, hadn’t he read that blog first. When someone has a head start on your life journey and knows the secrets you share with your anonymous readers, but not with your acquaintances, it makes the 'small talk' super-engaging right from the start. There’s no “What have you been doing all those years!?”, instead there is - I have always felt that you were ‘on your guard’ and becoming something that I couldn’t quite grasp… 
And here we go, he was right.

However, was that so bad to jump head on into the unspoken taboos of the sexual underworld and keeping quiet about it?
Not in my case.
It’s the growth from those life lessons that counts. 

In a while a flood of his secrets started spilling out from the messenger app, which I truly enjoyed!

I won’t say much anymore, rather I describe how it feels to know that 'baring it all' has finally begun in its fullest. I feel liberated. I feel confident, I feel loved, I feel alive and I feel understood.

There is no-one who has to condone my life choices, there is no one to seek forgiveness from, there is no one who could be a better judge of my life journey than myself and God. And I am led by him, let me tell you.


It looks like we all should be glad for social platforms like Facebook.
The only way out is through - there's no hiding in this world.
There are people that I have never met, yet we share 20 mutual friends…. I love that. Just between us, I probably won’t accept their ‘friend request’ until I actually get to meet them, regardless, I am so fascinated by the fact that WE ARE ALL CONNECTED.
And what I do onto you, you do onto others.

Although my current work as a therapist is not my sole purpose on this Earth, I do a lotta good with it!
I love when I relate to people and when my insight and expertise visibly and profoundly help to start the healing process. So many of my clients benefited from my consultation - the talk which didn't even come from me, per se, however - what needed to be said was said through me.
The Spirit talked.

Good night
xox


Sunday, August 27, 2017

The body knows again

Boy, this flu has been rather depressing. There are many factors that have contributed to my condition, sure, but I was hoping to be resting just for a couple of days. It's been a full week… 
The worst is the total lack of energy.
I love movement, lots of exercise and sweat. Not a cold sweat, hallucinating and when every step feels like a hard mile… Ok, a bit exaggerating here.
Still, wasn't a lotta fun!

I feel like a beer but perhaps…oh well, we’ll see, I might have it.

Yesterday’s water fast started with water but finished with a soup, nuts, and chocolate a few hours later.
So much for my strong will..
I planned to starve the flu/cold bug that had literally knocked me down earlier this week, but it seems that my body needs heaps of nutrients to be able to pack and organize everything for vacating the apartment and getting me back to Darwin soon.

I’ve done water fasts before, even while having a cold (they proved really efficient), but I was never this stressed.

I believe that this illness is a symptom of being worn out after my travels, worrying about the move and the unknown waiting for me in the Northern Territory, and all the rather hidden excitement that this change of scenery brings with it. An interesting mix.

Some people feel guilty when they rest and do nothing. I guess it could be me too - we get sick, so there’s no other option but take it easy and rest a lot.

It seems like I shifted back into my masculine doer after a period of honoring the feminine feeler and receiver. Well, it wasn’t long enough!

I hope I’ll be back on track with my exercise routine soon. I feel a little chubby (probably am). Plus, this energy-less and lazy Pavlina doesn’t suit me.

Ahhh… Wild Dancing, Dynamic Yoga, Tough Pilates, how much I miss you!

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Who am I? Living one's truth. Part II.

I arrived in my rented apartment in Brisbane, eyes in awe how clean it was. Another slight shock came when I unlocked few cupboards and my closet.... I own all that??!

I've lived off of my suitcase for the past 3 weeks, and it was awesome! Sometimes I didn't even unpack it all, doing just fine with one T-shirt, leggings and some cosmetics.

I remember people telling me in the past in a motherly/fatherly tone: "You can't be a nomad all your life, Pavlina...."
Well, perhaps not all the life to come, but so far so good! I've always felt the safest on the run, and maybe it's time to acknowledge it as something rather positive. I am one with variety and I need to change a scenery often. The gypsy blood in me just feels like 'home' everywhere on the Mother Earth!

I'm mildly scared by all the stuff I own. Luckily, it's probably nowhere near to what most people own - at least those who own their own apartment/house. Well, it's never been my case!
It will be fun selling all the [already cheap] furniture, and giving away piles of clothes, shoes, and books...
Yeah of course... it will be. fun. I think.

I feel quite detached from my apartment now. Especially after letting it to several Airbnb people who left their energy behind. The place was mine, but it's not mine.

I have a new calling, you could say... It's a plan (omg, I have a plan?! Possibly for the first time in my life.) 
There will be a lot of dancing in the beginning, but it's going to evolve into something much bigger.
I'm not sure how the following quote relates to what I just mentioned. Regardless, it's a reflection of my new expansiveness that's bursting to get out into the Universe and impact and empower more people... young people.

You see, I was all that I described in the part I. post. Perhaps I haven't been yet what I did not describe, but at the same time, it has always been there - within me. 
So how does one answer "Who am I?", when there are so many identities we adopt, even if for a while, then ditch for a while or forever, and some we only entertain in the privacy of our minds. Those public ones tend to lead to better/improved/new identities which couldn't have been initially picked up without some kind of prior knowledge, or trial and error. Whereas the imaginary identities lead to.... Crazy ??!

In Margot Anand's (a world-known Tantric guru) outrageously honest and mind-blowing book: Love, Sex, and Awakening, she cites a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh.
According to Margot, Thich Nhat Hanh
"advocates doing everything we can to protect and heal those who have been molested and also those who are the molesters - because they are sick and, if not helped, will perpetrate similar crimes on the next generation."¹

I loved, loved, loved the book! I have certainly something in common with her. 
However, doing Tantrika's work in NOT my calling, and although I need to accept that sex-curious part of my personality, it has been but a small event in my life. During those 18months, I concentrated my focus mainly on men as the ones in need of healing, the ones having been misunderstood, the ones to adore - not to scorn at or condemn for acting as unconscious sexual pigs.
I believe that doing Tantra and working with men from a slight distance, rather than having them in my vagina, definitely helped me to heal myself in return. I was in need of curing all the preconceived ideas about men and sex, men and their masculine/feminine, or men and their "respect-disrespect" towards women.
I restored my broken faith in men and what it should mean to be one. Not that I'll ever absolutely know!
I wish that every woman gets a little bit of this neo-tantric education so she can understand men better - and as a byproduct, herself.

My new calling is... so obvious, it's here.
I need to take a bold action. And I have tons of excuses. But I will. I just need to discuss it first with a few old dogs.
Meanwhile, I will continue doing Tantra for love. (Not at all because someone needs to pay the bills)

Let's follow our passions! 
Passions are always there, within. We don't need to look for them.
No one ever told me that.
We have integrity when we pursue a path that feels right, as if we were born to do so. People can feel if the heart is in it or not!




¹Anand, Margot. “Tantra: The Shadow and The Light.” Love, Sex, and Awakening: an Erotic Journey from Tantra to Spiritual Ecstasy, Llewellyn Publications, a Division of Llewellyn Worldwide, Ltd., 2017, pp. 285

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Who am I? Living one's truth. Part I. (Possibly the most important post here)

Inspired by last night's yoga, ecstatic dance, a couple of quotes, and an information that my client shared with me, I'm still feeling excited and I need to write!
At the moment I have only a small audience. There are many who read my blog, but don't report back, or treat following my posts as very anonymous and private - I'm fine with that.
But I'm going to make myself more visible! I will keep sharing, and I'll start spreading my message publicly. Website revamp is on.
The first person to know what I'm up to will be my mum...[unfortunately]. That's the sign I've been getting in my other dreams, not the nightmares about Him (That's his name, that's why the capital H.)

The inspiration:
First quote: "Is this really how I wanna live?" 
I wish I could remember who said that! Was that in a video from Oprah, or a stint from Marie Forleo? Anthony Robbins? Ester Hicks? I've seen it or heard it somewhere this week and it got me thinking!
The second quote comes later...

At the studio that I only visited for a gig of Elijah Ray before, a beautiful yoga teacher Emma B started yesterday's Vinyasa flow by setting an intention to recognize that which feels like coming home again...
She gave a few examples - doing yoga after a long absence, finally eating after starving all day, meeting a best friend after many years, finally painting, cooking.... etc.
The first thing that occurred to me was DANCING, then sex - yes, it always feels like coming home (more on that later) but definitely, it is DANCING.

When I asked the Spirit last Sunday: "Where would I feel happier? Sitting in a cinema and watching Wonderwoman (for which I already paid), or taking a long walk to sunset markets and finding something to eat there?"
It sounds so obvious now! It made me laugh when the answer came - but, not so fast - prior to my asking it out loud it was a mess, all mixing and mingling in my head. I had feelings of guilt for wasting money (the cinema ticket), for not wanting to relax as I said I would, and then other feelings surfaced - do I really wanna walk somewhere that far just to get some food, eat it ALONE and then walk back???

However, when I composed a simple question, detached of all [untrue] feelings..... the answer felt like a gush of fresh air with many positive emotions attached! The Spirit knew!

Needless to say, I had the time of my life. It wasn't just about the delicious Sri-Lankan food at all. It was the Tribal gig, then another solo gig, the sweaty spontaneous dancing, the lovely people around, the great vibes, and the walk there and back offered great sights of Darwin too.

Dancing, even if unplanned, is like coming home... that is my passion. It never feels lonely, the joy is contagious, and as a result, everything else feels familiar.

As per sex, I have a confession: I have been a hypocrite.

I don't enjoy being other people's doorway to a better orgasm! 
In fact, I couldn't care less about other people's sex lives!! What interests me is my own pleasure.
Before leaving Darwin, I had a bit of fun - just after writing that short post where I admitted to being busy fantasizing about sex with J. Well, he won't be too happy, if he reads this one.
I let the first date with a new man go a little bit (ok, a lot) outside of the lines...
But it felt like coming home :) and even better felt that I just took what he was offering, and when I was done (for the third time), I got up and literally left him there.... standing...
Well, in this modern world a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do. She has no time to work hard for a man's ultimate release.
(I didn't beg him to "do me" after all, I was ready to keep it friendly!)
So now you know - doing me is fun, but not necessarily a "finish" for you.
It could be different if we actually made love, but there was no way that I'd go all the way with this new man (so soon).

Who am I? 
A past exotic dancer is a very mean description, Tantric practitioner sounds overrated and I actually disliked the label ever since the start (I like touching people, but as I said, I don't care about people's sex lives, unless it's Margot Anand's and depicted in her book!), a slut doesn't sound quite right (I freely slept with just a handful of guys in the last 5 years), and offering couple's counseling is highly unlikely to fulfill me - as I don't see myself wanting to honor my passions in this way!

I just love having sex - like most people do (or everyone).

Do I feel empowered when I help other people open up their eyes to a healthy sexuality?
Yes.
Does it feel beautiful seeing others feel better about themselves when I listen to them, offer unconditional love and understanding, or inspire them?

Oh Yes.

So, the question remains:
Where do I have the most Integrity???

Follow my journey as I answer myself in part II. 



Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Nightmares despite living the dream

Because He was supposed to be the one. 
That's why it hurt so bad, that's why I was angry. 
I had some preconceived notions of what true love should look like, and it felt awful when those crumbled. 
He made me feel like a princess, so I expected Him to be my prince.
Instead, I felt betrayed by life, God, and the Universe...  
I came to understand that it's safer to run from any idealized versions of reality.

I've had a few nightmares in this past year and a half. Nearly all of them - except one, featured my ex as the main protagonist. 

The initial bad dreams began after I got back home to Czech broken-hearted. The nightmares appeared again back in Australia: at a shared accommodation and my next two solo rented places. One depicted on this blog described him pushing my chest so hard that it felt as if my heart was cracking all over again, making the wound fatal.

Isn't it strange that he still finds a way into my dream? I wake up in sheer terror with my heart beating fast.

Last night I woke up three times. He featured in the latter two nightmares, where my mind produced fucked up scenarios of him doing weird stuff... (coming into my room unannounced, looking like a Joker with a whiskey in his hand and murderous twinkle in his blue eye; or 
drinking lots of tap water and chanting: I can't stop, I can't stop...)

My unconscious sends me these images and rehashes any negativity I used to associate with him... is it a warning of sorts?
I don't feel that way at all in my waking life! In fact, I don't feel much at all - in context with him.

My head is busy appreciating Darwin's wilderness, stressing about extending my Australian visa, fantasizing about sex with J, arranging Tantra appointments, wanting to write a book, or thinking about how to stop snacking on sweets... No sign of Him whatsoever.

Maybe I shouldn't have sent him the live video of me having fun at the Mindil Beach sunset markets??? It was.. well, a bit in vain. I'm looking my best and free self there!

Let me tell you, the mind is a mischief.

I feel the most authentic, nomadic, connecting, empowering, happy and free ME these days, and I'd like to bottle up this feeling and proudly carry it with me from day to day.

It feels safer than ever to travel, live like a nomad, and connecting to others through my work



Saturday, August 12, 2017

Darwin, NT

Winter in Darwin is like no other winter out there!
I'm falling in love with this city.
Anyway, time to go to bed so I can jump into the pool early in the morning. I wouldn't risk it later in the day (it's hot, hot, hot), neither I'd risk trading the pool for the ocean up here, or the river so to speak. Ah, what a shame they've got crocs and sharks everywhere!
But it's the more exciting this way... my dad would love it over here too! I Will have to figure out how to let him know that I'm planning to exchange the safety of a city for an adventurous life near the outback.

I had some interesting discussions with myself and experienced a couple of breakthroughs while walking through Darwin's inspiring nature. I'm going to find some time to write them out soon.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

On Self-Discipline #fitness #horniness

My Tantra workshop went really well. Only a small number of people turned up, but their amazing collective energy was all I needed to feel that the prior stress had been worth it.
Apparently what was much appreciated, along with the few interactive exercises we did, was my honesty about my past sexual experiences and my confession that I have never had a Tantric sex. That being said - with someone; because I do with myself (a lot). I've had amazing sex (with J, or other men in the long past), but it was not exactly 'Tantric'.

So my search for a tantric partner began. And maybe I don’t have to look too far. One of the attendees is pretty keen…

Obviously, I wouldn't try Tantric sex with just any ordinary man, but this guy is pretty experienced! I know that he wasn’t boasting or trying to look smarter than me because I’ve massaged him today. I observed his breathing and I felt his energy vibrate all over. I had a go too.
I had a small taste of what it felt like to merge into a meditative bliss with the man just lying next to me… then I ‘woke up’ out of the emerging ecstasy and felt a bit frightened. Sure, there are no intimacy issues when you are ‘there’. But if you snap out of ‘there’, the made up fear comes back and it is a frickin' party-pooper. 

The vibration all over my body resembled the awakened kundalini that I experienced during a dance few weeks before - very cool!
Then we went jog-walking together…

How exciting the Tantric path feels! :)

I have another confession. When I slept with D., I noticed that he had what Margot Anand calls: penile insensitivity. In her 5th and 
10th chapters - she writes how vigorous thrusting during sex damages the muscular tissues around genitals, weakens the PC pump, the hips and puts a strain on the prostate.

Prostate - the gold mine, the seat of masculinity (!NOT heterosexuality!), and the semen-retention switch…Just a miracle, guys!

D. had been putting so many layers of 'body armor' on the genital area, that he caused himself to be less sensitive there, needing a lot of stimulation in order to let the sexual energy flow - with one trouble - he flows it out - rather than in.
Good news, penile insensitivity can be easily healed.

What we learn in Tantra is that sexual energy should flow throughout the whole body- it vibrates it, it heals it, it strengthens our chakras and then enters our minds for a lasting bliss. 
For example, I unblock myself with Reiki, and then touch myself gently, breathing into my chakras and moving the fire up and up 'the inner flute'…containing the energy within without any strong stimulation.

When will the insensitive-penises men start to leave their egos outside of the bedroom and perhaps learn something new from their [Tantric] lovers?
Watching porn gave us an illusion that we should have sex like animals. Sometimes we can.. 
However, I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience and learning about meaningful, soulful, and conscious sex is part of it!


I'm recharging now. I'm realizing more and more that I am an Introvert.
I'm craving ME-time, especially after what seemed like the busiest weekend
of my life - LEARNING (marketing) & TEACHING (sex edu). But I loved it regardless. I also bonded with Laura and we had a great after-party right after the workshop.



*By the way, I'm not saying that J. has that aforementioned penis issue too, he doesn't. He can handle showing up as vulnerable, open-hearted, and gentle in and out of the bed. 
But I feel like he might be a taker regardless.

Time to find a yin-yang lover :)

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Hayhouse Writer's Workshop

The idea that I create my destiny with my thoughts, feelings, actions and WORDS has never been more real. 
This weekend I attended the Hayhouse writer’s workshop in Sydney, and I decided to stay a few more days to enjoy the city. 
I am somewhat in awe of the Sydney's unexplored scent. I only spent couple of days here in the past; and it’s been either with Him, or while depressed without him. This time I am a completely new person. I feel empowered, independent, free and motivated to become a success.

Success in what? Well, at the moment I am focusing on my career. Career as a healing mentor, an inspiring revolutionary, and a Hayhouse author - a compassionate storyteller. I must help other people with my story!

I am hopeful that in the future my life purpose will merge with my love life too.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Sleeping and wishing #sex #love

Sleeping with J is very healing...
Sure, he's not 'the one' I was looking for (and I still hope the wish for a husband material is still out there in the Universe*), nevertheless, it is what I deserve - especially after the 'experiment' I recently conducted with someone, who could not have been right for me in a million years.
Yes, I can enjoy sex no strings attached -IF- there are feelings AND a complete transparency. There was neither.
Anyway, I should thank D. for trying... to be someone he wasn't, so we both explored the other side of the coin.
Was it all so bad, rough and loveless? I'm not going to condemn everything that had led up to the act and disrespect what I had wanted that night - There must have been something quite right if I decided to peel off my jeans (-let him peel them). I just don't recall what exactly, even when I was totally sober. 
Perhaps a curiosity or longing for a connection?
I disliked his sex-technique with me, that's all. It diminished my libido for a couple of weeks after - and I don't like when that happens.
Thanks to J I am back on. I admit he's probably the best lover I've ever had, and the fact that he's not 'mine' makes the amazing intimacy we share easier to handle.

*If I were to wish for 'the one', I better believe in romantic love first... I firmly believe in unconditional love though.
No matter what other people do or say, love them...



Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Sexual Healing

My Tantra workshop went really well. Only a small number of people turned up, but their amazing collective energy was all I needed to feel that the prior stress had been worth it.
Apparently what was much appreciated, along with the few interactive exercises we did, was my honesty about my past sexual experiences and my confession that I have never had a Tantric sex. That being said - with someone; because I do with myself (a lot). I've had amazing sex (with J, or other men in the long past), but it was not exactly 'Tantric'.

So my search for a tantric partner began. And maybe I don’t have to look too far. One of the attendees is pretty keen…

Obviously, I wouldn't try Tantric sex with just any ordinary man, but this guy is pretty experienced! I know that he wasn’t boasting or trying to look smarter than me because I’ve massaged him today. I observed his breathing and I felt his energy vibrate all over. I had a go too.
I had a small taste of what it felt like to merge into a meditative bliss with the man just lying next to me… then I ‘woke up’ out of the emerging ecstasy and felt a bit frightened. Sure, there are no intimacy issues when you are ‘there’. But if you snap out of ‘there’, the made up fear comes back and it is a frickin' party-pooper. 

The vibration all over my body resembled the awakened kundalini that I experienced during a dance few weeks before - very cool!
Then we went jog-walking together…

How exciting the Tantric path feels! :)

I have another confession. When I slept with D., I noticed that he had what Margot Anand calls: penile insensitivity. In her 5th and 
10th chapters - she writes how vigorous thrusting during sex damages the muscular tissues around genitals, weakens the PC pump, the hips and puts a strain on the prostate.

Prostate - the gold mine, the seat of masculinity (!NOT heterosexuality!), and the semen-retention switch…Just a miracle, guys!

D. had been putting so many layers of 'body armor' on the genital area, that he caused himself to be less sensitive there, needing a lot of stimulation in order to let the sexual energy flow - with one trouble - he flows it out - rather than in.
Good news, penile insensitivity can be easily healed.

What we learn in Tantra is that sexual energy should flow throughout the whole body- it vibrates it, it heals it, it strengthens our chakras and then enters our minds for a lasting bliss. 
For example, I unblock myself with reiki, and then touch myself gently, breathing into my chakras and moving the fire up and up 'the inner flute'…containing the energy within without any strong stimulation.

When will the insensitive-penises men start to leave their egos outside of the bedroom and perhaps learn something new from their [Tantric] lovers?
Watching porn gave us an illusion that we should have sex like animals. Sometimes we can.. 
However, I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience and learning about meaningful, soulful, and conscious sex is part of it!


I'm recharging now. I'm realizing more and more that I am an Introvert.
I'm craving ME-time, especially after what seemed like the busiest weekend
of my life - LEARNING (marketing) & TEACHING (sex edu). But I loved it regardless. I also bonded with Laura and we had a great after-party right after the workshop.



*By the way, I'm not saying that J. has that aforementioned penis issue too, he doesn't. He can handle showing up as vulnerable, open-hearted, and gentle in and out of the bed. 
But I feel like he might be a taker regardless.

Time to find a yin-yang lover :)

Monday, July 10, 2017

The dance between the masculine and the feminine

When I arrived to Australia in June 2016, my left eye hurt like hell. I vaguely remembered then that I had poked it during the flight, but it wasn't until I got into my friend's house in Newcastle that I noticed how badly I could see. I could have easily agreed to a stronger lense prescription.
Taking in account Louise Hay's teachings and Tantra practices - the left side of the body indicates the divine feminine and all feminine attributes. 
One year ago I cried my eyes out when I figured that my ex didn't want to see me again. He wasn't straight with me, not telling me that he was dating someone else, but I could feel that he wasn't available anymore. I was heartbroken again, and I felt abandoned.
My poor eyesight was a reminder to turn inwards and start healing myself as a woman who was worth more than she ever gave herself a credit for. The right - masculine - eye was strong and watchful... and it needed to be acknowledged in order to lift my feminine side to her highest potential.
My journey of 'healing the divine masculine' (men are not all bad) and harmonizing both polarities within me had begun right there and then.

When I arrived to the small town in NSW last week, 10 months since my last visit and 2 years since the very first visit during which I fell in love with Him, I woke up with what felt like conjunctivitis in my right eye.
Upon checking with the chemist, it was just an irritation. But what an irritation! My eye felt sore the whole day, very sensitive to light, red, and involuntarily tearing up. As if I was crying without any emotions and just from that one eye.
The right side is 'masculine'. 
Was my right eye telling me that there was something I didn't wish to 'see'? Was I blind towards the situation at hand? Was I scared to acknowledge that I was able to take a better care of myself than Him could ever do? 
My divine masculine is very protective and analytical. Perhaps it was testing me to see more with my soft, feminine side rather than the suspicious masculine...
Was the masculine broken upon seeing Him again? We had such a friendly encounter that the message from my body must have been - "See only with love. Be soft."

Saturday, July 8, 2017

My ex - my karmic soulmate

I’m wrapping myself up in a blanket He gave me for my overnight train ride back to Brisbane. I chose not to stay… On one hand, I know why, and on the other, I don’t…

Rowena told me that both Him and I tend to overthink stuff rather than plunging into the unknown…
Yes, when I spend too much time in my head it is an indication of my lack of trust in life unfolding exactly as it should without my pushing it. Once I release the grip and surrender, not only my tense shoulders drop an inch but I discover freedom in that surrender. Just breathe….

It was a lovely trip down to NSW. I loved chilling with Rowena in her home next to a forest, surrounded by a river - the location looks unreal. What a perfect place to raise a family! I absolutely adore her children too and she is a great mum.

While inhaling the fresh air behind Rowena’s backyard, t
he memory of familiar shivers of passion and fleet of butterflies down my stomach when I'd seen him that day made me believe that I wanted a family with him. Yes, that strong is my ever-inexplicable attraction towards him. Plus, he looked better than what I remembered. 
It was a planned visit by the way, He knew, but when he stepped into the shop’s kitchen where I was in the middle of a catch up with Jane, it was a mild shock for both. Rowena assessed his response to seeing me as falling into a lala land…
Nice. 


The alcohol detox I so eagerly planned for the rest of my stay in Australia (3months away at the time I had announced it), happened for about a week...maybe two.
In the end, being happy, grateful, and spreading that awareness ended up as the most important part of detoxifying myself.

Nothing else matters. 

So... I drunk a bit of red wine with Rowena one evening because - because I could. And I did it without feelings of sadness, shame or guilt (or hungover the next day)

He stole me from Rowena’s place on my last day. I hang around the farm and the nearby town. Nothing changed, yet everything was different. I was different.

We were like two best friends. Except for some spontaneous passionate kissing, however, not during our casual hot bath together… it was the strangest thing I’ve ever done with a past lover! - Just chilling and chatting away next to each other’s naked bodies. He must have been using talking as a way of distracting himself from feeling his emotions… he couldn’t shut up. It was quite cute though! I had let him stay in his head up until I gave him an improvised Tantra massage. After all, it was long overdue since I gave him a voucher for Christmas 18 months prior, only to tear it to pieces in an angry fit few days later!! Haha. This time he didn’t need to be ‘good’ to deserve it.

I still love him. There is no doubt that he loves me too, but we are friends, not partners, neither fuckbuddies. Karmic soulmates are meant to be broken, learn from one another, and then let each other be. We talked about wanting kids, but neither of us mentioned that we were ready and that the person in front of our eyes was the one to father/mother them.

How vulnerable it is to be a human being!

Pain

Hurt

Rejection

Fears

False predictions

Him and I are two good souls from broken homes, scared of commitment.
well…

Nice to know that my little sexual escapades in Brisbane don't mean a fuck in the bigger scheme of things.
Definitely no commitments, right, you commitment-phobes and unavailable men over there? I'm a bit sick of men willing to commit only to fucking me, infrequently, and to top it off - not even lovingly enough (why was D. so rough???)

Ahhhh...

How to be fearless, having only positive expectations, loving, and creating a worthwhile, joyous life on Earth for myself, my family, my friends, and all the people who are willing to believe in me...?

I am ready.

Ready for a 'Freedom in commitment'.( sounds like the most effectively versed prayer than anything I've ever granted myself a permission to wish for.)

This trip was the perfect opportunity for forgiving each other. Now life goes on again.

Some random thoughts:
While doing a recharging jog-meditation in the hills, running over the bridges and gasping for a breath by the bamboo tree, I experienced many revelations. 

As I was going crazy at the thought that He was always so scared of things going wrong, questioning his skepticism in my mind, I realized it had been ME feeling afraid all along.

Rejection - a chain reaction?

What is it like to be completely ego-less?

The world is a reflection of how much we love&trust ourselves.


Holy Encounters

I had the most amazing conversation in a shop I could have ever anticipated in my life! From a hand luggage and airport rules it suddenly turned to sex and relationships - just how do I do it??? :D

Thank you, Sara for opening up and holding an open-minded space for me to do the same. How much I love these kind of encounters!

After what seemed a good half hour of chatting we hugged, I bought a light 4wheeler and went off to wait for my bus ride home. Great start to the day with yoga, a chat about hair with the instructors, browsing the markets, getting a random proposition for internet marketing work (I reckon the guy just wanted my number), and then that honest and heart-opening confiding of a stranger. I love my past experiences, my job and my spiritual gifts!

Few weeks ago I met another beautiful and interesting woman walking down the street (wow, also on Saturday after a yoga class!) who started opening up to me shortly after I complimented on her hair. It began very subtly, and then we found ourselves passionately talking about men and recent affairs. Two hours later we greeted again at a wine tasting event, some time later danced at a rooftop bar, and ended up in a pub with a group of young lads drinking some more (oops, more about my alcohol detox in a next post!).
What a special day that was. Thank you, Lana for showing me your vulnerable self and for your bold going ahead and signing up for my next Tantra workshop!

I took a trip to NSW few days ago…I stayed with Rowena but I met up with my ex too. Let me tell you how that went in the next post ;)

Monday, June 26, 2017

Are you an Earth Angel?

21 signs by Tanaaz from the website: http://foreverconscious.com/are-you-an-earth-angel-here-are-21-signs


According to my own experiences and the words of my friends - I can tick all of them!

✔  yes, kind of
 ✔ double yes, of course!
 ✔ ✔ + Oh my God


– You experienced an awakening very early on and perhaps were always attracted to nature, mythical creatures and the meaning of life ✔
 ✔

– You seem wise beyond your years and often carry a very worldly energy 
 ✔

– Even strangers tend to vent to you their problems and frustrations and you delight in being able to help them 
 ✔ ✔

– You don’t feel called to do any one thing, in fact at times you can struggle with feeling grounded and finding your purpose 
 ✔ ✔

– You are interested in philosophy, alternative methods of healing and the metaphysical 
 ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔

– You have an intense and deep personality and are not afraid to dig deep within your psyche and the psyche of others to find the truth


– You may feel a constant struggle to align yourself with the physical world, this may manifest as struggling to deal with boundaries and your ego 


-Relationships may be difficult for you to handle as you may find yourself attracted to abusive partners or those with deep emotional issues 
 ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔

– It is very likely that you are bi-sexual or have an attraction to both men and women 
✔ (yes to attraction to both)

– You may not feel the need to “settle down”, marry, find a partner or have children 
✔ (getting there despite of everything I thought)

– You try to align yourself with societal expectations but you have a very hard time doing so, or the pursuit of these things can leave you feeling empty 
(I don't really try anymore)

– You are highly intuitive and often foresee events before they occur, you are also very in-tune with others needs 
 ✔

– You are extremely connected to your Spirit Team and have been since you can remember 
 ✔

– You feel protective of children, nature and other vulnerable beings; these beings are also often attracted to you 


– Your emotions feel deep and heavy at times and can fluctuate from positive to negative; you have an understanding of both the light and dark emotions 
 ✔ ✔

– You may often “space out” or have vivid dreams or daydreams, lucid dream or astral project 
 

– You have an innate understanding of the potential and magic of the Universe 
 ✔

– Your life may undergo many radical changes and you may find that you move around a lot 
 ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ (I am a gypsy!)

– You find yourself floating or moving abruptly from one thing to the next as you feel guided or inspired to do so 
 ✔ ✔

– You may not have stability but your basic needs such as money, housing, food etc. always seem to be taken care of
 ✔ ✔ ✔ OMG

– You feel a longing to return home 
 ✔


My most recent update on the most important breakup lesson with Him: https://breakthroughbreakup.blogspot.com.au/p/26.html



Sunday, June 25, 2017

Are Earth Angels monogamous?

I was told by a beautiful psychic/healer lady that I was an Earth Angel. I kind of always knew it (haha). Sure, these days that label is so commonly used that the real meaning got lost somewhere in translation. Apparently, there are few of us, the real Earth angels…

And she assessed Him as a dark angel… I actually believe that! No one has ever put me under such a spell before… and obviously, no one has fucked me better 😳 (an illusion)

I believed her, possibly because of the newly discovered fact that He was my karmic soulmate. According to Stacey Demarco there are 4 types of soulmates - karmic, twin, companion and romantic. I always thought we all had several. 
Karmic is not the one you want to stay with! even if you thought otherwise at some point in the relationship. Learn your lessons, heal and move on...

Together with the psychic lady we were able to agree on the matters of spirituality and sexuality as inseparable. Humans can abuse anything, even the purest concepts, and give love a bad name, let alone sex.
Perhaps I am on this planet to cause some real revolution…

One more hip hip hooray to Tantra. It has stabilized my sexual appetite. I view lovemaking as so precious now… I just can’t have sex with someone no strings attached (e.g. last night’s chance encounter - a good-looking guy - but hell NO!). I want to meet someone I can work with on our spiritual/physical connection, deepen it, perfect it, keep innovating it… I can’t use sex as a quick-fix solution for satisfying horniness (for it doesn't help), nor to escape my mundane reality. Strangely, I stopped masturbating as often as I used to. I guess that I previously used it as a way to 'escape' and to relieve tension. Now that I restored my connection to the source, to my body, and I learned to pause, to breathe, to trust, to summon joyful memories and gratitude… I don’t have to use sex or masturbation to escape myself anymore.

The healer mentioned that angels are not necessarily meant to be monogamous... 
Monogamy is a separate topic from having a casual, superficial sex or a deep soulful lovemaking... both could be done with only one lover or many. The main thing is that now I know which type of action I'm looking for.

Ever since I started being present to what is really happening within me and my surroundings during these (possibly last) few weeks in Brisbane, my thinking has changed. I see everything from a little bit detached perspective. I feel more settled within, confident in myself and God and I sense the “bigger” picture. 
I refuse to be a slave to the visa system… I will always strive for freedom. I surrender my attachments to any other result.





Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Healing Me, healing D. #alone

I woke up just before 5am this morning. Not my longest sleep at all, but I had to do some energy work. I put my hands on my left ribs, where my spleen lies, probably. The organ has felt funny the last couple of days. I repeated an affirmation from Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life : "I alone create sweetness and joy in my life...."

Yes, my late twenties have been spent feeling quite alone - but not lonely. 
Whereas the start of my twenties had a theme of loneliness, I was rarely alone. It proves that one can feel lonely even while constantly surrounded by people - sharing flats, going to school, having a bar job etc. Now I consider myself an artistic lone wolf, preferring to recharge in the sanctuary of the apartment that I rent, alone. When working, the moment my clients leave, I am alone, I feel accomplished, and I love it! I live alone, I travel alone and I socialize so sporadically - by choice. I found my tribe at Yoga and dance classes - no place to feel lonely, then I escape back into my every night's aloneness. 

Some days, I need to fill in a section "Emergency Contact" on forms for various establishments and I think to myself.... hmmm, who could come and "save" me if I unexpectedly passed out? if I needed help? What if something happened to me at home? What if I collapsed during hot yoga or - somewhere ?
My parents are overseas, so is my sister, my longest best friends are away too, and Christine is quite old and has probably enough of health worries; Definitely no local boyfriend who wouldn't have his hands full.. Clients, maybe?
Nope, I'm alone.

While still reikiing my spleen, the latest crush, D., came to my mind. I began sending him unconditional love and acceptance. Everything is alright. He had his hands full, no time to spare to hang out with a girl, worrying about her past jealousy issues possibly manifesting in the future, no time to tell about his travel plans... it would be too much of a burden. Whatever had happened to him in the past that has compelled him to write me such a shit text, he is not yet healed from. Maybe one day he'll see that the assumptions he described in that text where not even about me, but rather about the world which demanded his full attention and where he felt misunderstood.
Well, till the time of his awakening comes, I can only wish him all the best and send as much love as he needs, for he withholds his from others.
Hey, we've all been there!

18.7. Update
Who would have thought back then that couple of weeks later we'd make out again! It then turned into a pretty rough sex, so today I wrote about D's penile insensitivity. The good news is that healing of body armour can be done through Tantra. The bad news is that egoistic men will never ask.




"Deep at the center of my being there is an infinite well of Love..."
- Louise Hay


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Short Romance Farewell #rejection #jealousy

Thank you, D., for being so upfront with me. Maybe not up up up upfront, but still early enough to prevent my heart from breaking. It cracked a little - ok (some rose quartz crystals fixed it right back).
Not telling me right away that you were a commitmentphobe must have been because you were just exploring the territory before making some radical conclusions about our compatibility - which you did in the end.
Thank you for giving me an insight into your unique Aquarian soul, for expanding my compassion, and for opening my mind to new points of perception.

I have never felt more empowered as a woman who has worked in the sex business for several years and a current sex educator as when getting deeper into our discussions about life. I felt the most comfortable ever talking about all the aspects of myself in front of you - no man has managed to made me feel this proud, powerful and understood before. You made me see that I can wear any past label as a pride. I knew it, somewhat, but you were a living proof that there were men out there not threatened by my past, men who were fascinated by it and not discouraged to date me in the slightest. But then something came across your mind one morning. Maybe an alcohol induced haze prompted you to ‘think’ more, rather than ‘feel’ and take risks more….. risks of getting disappointed, maybe even rejected by me at some point?

On the other hand, you knew what you wanted. A very, very liberal woman. I should have known that your statement “Making love to the same person every night is like having the same hot dinner every night" was probably a good indicator that we, indeed, had very different views on relationships. 

Nevertheless - it got me thinking. Could I stand to have the same dinner every night? Would I be able to stay faithful to the same guy every day for the rest of our lives?
Now I know - it's yes. I love freedom just as much as you, or anyone, however, I don’t believe that we, complex human beings of thousand faces which are sometimes undiscoverable still several years down the road (e.g. marriages breaking after 20 years together), can be compared to a food….
Yet, I didn’t make any conclusions about you….

You kept on repeating that you never get jealous….. ok. Good on you. Did I have problems with my own jealousy in the past? Yes, big time. I did not give you any ounce of jealousy at the present, so I can't see why exactly you pulled out. Fear?

It took me nearly one year to get over my ex’s affair which I took not only as violation of trust but also, primarily, as an evidence that I was not good enough and most likely unlovable. It took one year of deep soul searching, healing and heart opening to actually discover that those beliefs were not true. I rose to my potential of giving unconditional love, not expecting it back, and forgiving pretty much anything.
Mmmm..

Does it mean that I cannot get jealous ever again, especially if I felt that my self-esteem was threatened by you leaving me behind?> No. I can’t predict that! But my jealousy would be healthy, it wouldn’t be self-destructively used against me, and it wouldn’t compromise you in any way - if not help boost your ego to jump out of the roof. (I still occasionally sleep with a de-facto married 
man - how less 'unjealous' can that get??)
D., you may not realize that there are plenty of men queuing for my giving enough of a fuck to get jealous over them.

In my opinion, jealousy is alright, if acknowledged and dealt with in mature ways. It’s an automatic human reaction to a perceived threat of rejection or abandonment - humans are not robots.
But maybe you are.

Thank you for doing me the favor and breaking it off before I could have gotten attached to you - Making out with you was lovely. 
Though, I’ll never know if the sex would keep me hooked, for you didn’t even get the juices flowing… 😳

18.7. Update

Who would have thought back then that couple of weeks later we'd make out again! It then turned into a pretty rough sex, so today I wrote about D's penile insensitivity. The good news is that healing of body armour can be done through Tantra. The bad news is that egoistic men will never ask.


Saturday, June 10, 2017

Life choices. 'The end to Carl'

“To choose our partners wisely, we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.”
- The School Of Life


Warning: This post contains a few swear words.


Last night after 5rhythms class I had a drink and chat with Carl, the guy I met in an organic grocery store who kept chasing me since November (until yesterday).

As soon as I agreed to the date I regretted it. I knew he was going to market his husband&father aspirations to me yet again. However, the dance made me super relaxed and so much in touch with myself and in love with myself, I consented to see a human being who was in need of a company, planning to just listen to him. I intended to see him for who he was, without judging, and preparing my replies or opinions. Carl loves to talk anyway, so it was my chance to listen and just be there.
The non-judment part was so hard!

I saw for the first time that under the facade of “I am perfect, I don’t need anything, and I could take care of you” there was a little scared boy who wanted to follow the script, not make mistakes, latch onto a woman, be put on a pedestal and have all his needs met. Of course we all want the last part - or at least - be loved unconditionally. But too much theory about how that's done proves to be useless in the real world.

Only yesterday I realized how much poison he had been feeding me over the past 6 months. Carl has a special way of making me feel inadequate, like I need help, as I am so lost without the right man saving me. (let me guess - him?)

Last night’s dance opened my channels to the divine, and I knew that I wouldn’t be saved by him in a million years.
I would fuckin’ die.

Once again I was sure that it was better to be alone than be unhappy with someone so needy.
I stuck around because I thought that he was the rational man my parents would have loved me to have. I was hoping the fascination by his analytical mind would turn into love and a desire to care for him.

I couldn't have been more off. I cannot believe how many times I felt bad after our dates, his monologues. I thought it was because I must have been dysfunctional after all and I needed this man to tempt me for ‘better days’ if only I settled.

Dancing is my life. I should come back to this practice every Friday again - as I need to feel that I am a powerful woman capable of both grounding and setting myself free. No man should make me feel otherwise.
I hate to think how many women are staying with their men for all the wrong reasons.

Now I have to remind myself of COMPASSION.... COMPASSION…COMPASSION
Human action is either love, or call for love (Marianne Williamson)
Additionally, this is just my perception. Carl is definitely some girl’s dream dude!
God bless this motherfucker. <Smiley emoticon>
***
I won't write about the new guy much yet, as it’s early days to tell what kind of a person he really is, but I am getting a sense of the role he plays in my life. He crossed my path to remind me that worthiness is an inside job, I must wear my deepest truths upon my sleeve and know that I can be approved of by a human being and actually FEEL it too (as I do with God). I’m amazed how positively charged I'm still feeling since we kissed goodbye 8 hours ago.

The lovely dates with him are getting longer and longer. Who would have thought that we meet at 10am at the markets and leave West End after 3pm.
These dates are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. They’re mix of revolutionary ideas, some atheistic truths (as the one above from Alain de Bottom) and the bliss of embracing a little of anarchy in one’s personal life.

It feels so good to feel accepted completely, all the aspects of me, as opposed to just hear the words of acceptance - I’ve been there before. Some people call themselves loving and open-minded until they’re not. They nonchalantly accept one's life choices and generously give a form of absolution (As if one did something outrageously wrong), but you don't actually FEEL it.
 - thank you, I'll politely decline this favor!

I believe that people always do their best. It might not be right according to the society's norm, but if it feels right in the gut, then it's most likely the right life choice for YOUR life.

I know that I can be intimidating, loud, inappropriate and crazy sometimes. But at least I don’t claim that I have the manual for life.
On the other hand, Carl would probably find one in his pocket...