Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Healing Me, healing D. #alone

I woke up just before 5am this morning. Not my longest sleep at all, but I had to do some energy work. I put my hands on my left ribs, where my spleen lies, probably. The organ has felt funny the last couple of days. I repeated an affirmation from Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life : "I alone create sweetness and joy in my life...."

Yes, my late twenties have been spent feeling quite alone - but not lonely. 
Whereas the start of my twenties had a theme of loneliness, I was rarely alone. It proves that one can feel lonely even while constantly surrounded by people - sharing flats, going to school, having a bar job etc. Now I consider myself an artistic lone wolf, preferring to recharge in the sanctuary of the apartment that I rent, alone. When working, the moment my clients leave, I am alone, I feel accomplished, and I love it! I live alone, I travel alone and I socialize so sporadically - by choice. I found my tribe at Yoga and dance classes - no place to feel lonely, then I escape back into my every night's aloneness. 

Some days, I need to fill in a section "Emergency Contact" on forms for various establishments and I think to myself.... hmmm, who could come and "save" me if I unexpectedly passed out? if I needed help? What if something happened to me at home? What if I collapsed during hot yoga or - somewhere ?
My parents are overseas, so is my sister, my longest best friends are away too, and Christine is quite old and has probably enough of health worries; Definitely no local boyfriend who wouldn't have his hands full.. Clients, maybe?
Nope, I'm alone.

While still reikiing my spleen, the latest crush, D., came to my mind. I began sending him unconditional love and acceptance. Everything is alright. He had his hands full, no time to spare to hang out with a girl, worrying about her past jealousy issues possibly manifesting in the future, no time to tell about his travel plans... it would be too much of a burden. Whatever has happened to him in the past that has compelled him to write me such a shit text, he hasn't healed from. Maybe one day he'll see that the assumptions he described in that text where not even about me, but rather about the world which demanded his full attention and where he felt misunderstood.
Well, till the time of his awakening comes, I can only wish him all the best and send as much love as he needs, for he withholds his from others.
Hey, we've all been there!




"Deep at the center of my being there is an infinite well of Love..."
- Louise Hay


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Short Romance Farewell #rejection #jealousy

Thank you, D., for being so upfront with me. Maybe not up up up upfront, but still early enough to prevent my heart from breaking. It cracked a little - ok (some rose quartz crystals fixed it right back).
Not telling me right away that you were a commitmentphobe must have been because you were just exploring the territory before making some radical conclusions about our compatibility - which you did in the end.
Thank you for giving me an insight into your unique Aquarian soul, for expanding my compassion, and for opening my mind to new points of perception.

I have never felt more empowered as a woman who has worked in the sex business for several years and a current sexual counsellor as when getting deeper into our discussions about life. I felt the most comfortable ever talking about all the aspects of myself in front of you - no man has managed to made me feel this proud, powerful and understood before. You made me see that I can wear that past label as a pride. I knew it, somewhat, but you were a living proof that there were men out there not threatened by my past, men who were fascinated by it and not discouraged to date me in the slightest. But then something came across your mind one morning. Maybe an alcohol induced haze prompted you to ‘think’ more, rather than ‘feel’ and take risks more….. risks of getting disappointed, maybe even rejected by me at some point?

On the other hand, you knew what you wanted. A very, very liberal woman. I should have known that your statement “Making love to the same person every night is like having the same hot dinner every night" was probably a good indicator that we, indeed, had very different views on relationships. 

Nevertheless - it got me thinking. Could I stand to have the same dinner every night? Would I be able to stay faithful to the same guy every day for the rest of our lives?
Now I know - it's yes. I love freedom just as much as you, or anyone, however, I don’t believe that we, complex human beings of thousand faces which are sometimes undiscoverable still several years down the road (e.g. marriages breaking after 20 years together), can be compared to a food….
Yet, I didn’t make any conclusions about you….

You kept on repeating that you never get jealous….. ok. Good on you. Did I have problems with my own jealousy in the past? Yes, big time. I did not give you any ounce of jealousy at the present, so I can't see why exactly you pulled out. Fear?

It took me nearly one year to get over my ex’s affair which I took not only as violation of trust but also, primarily, as an evidence that I was not good enough and most likely unlovable. It took one year of deep soul searching, healing and heart opening to actually discover that those beliefs were not true. I rose to my potential of giving unconditional love, not expecting it back, and forgiving pretty much anything.
Mmmm..

Does it mean that I cannot get jealous ever again, especially if I felt that my self-esteem was threatened by you leaving me behind?> No. I can’t predict that! But my jealousy would be healthy, it wouldn’t be self-destructively used against me, and it wouldn’t compromise you in any way - if not help boost your ego to jump out of the roof. (I still occasionally sleep with a de-facto married man - how less 'unjealous' can that get??)
D., you may not realize that there are plenty of men queuing for my giving enough of a fuck to get jealous over them.

In my opinion, jealousy is alright, if acknowledged and dealt with in mature ways. It’s an automatic human reaction to a perceived threat of rejection or abandonment - humans are not robots.
But maybe you are.

Thank you for doing me the favor and breaking it off before I could have gotten attached to you - Making out with you was lovely. 
Though, I’ll never know if the sex would keep me hooked, for you didn’t even get the juices flowing… 😳

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Life choices

“To choose our partners wisely, we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.”
- The School Of Life


Warning: This post contains few swear words.


Last night after 5rhythms class I had a drink and chat with Carl, the guy I met in an organic grocery store who kept chasing me since November (until yesterday).

As soon as I agreed to the date I regretted it. I knew he was going to market his husband&father aspirations to me yet again. However, the dance made me super relaxed and so much in touch with myself and in love with myself, I consented to see a human being who was in need of a company, planning to just listen to him. I intended to see him for who he was, without judging, and preparing my replies or opinions. Carl loves to talk anyway, so it was my chance to listen and just be there.
The non-judment part was so hard!

I saw for the first time that under the facade of “I am perfect, I don’t need anything, and I could take care of you” there was a little scared boy who wanted to follow the script, not make mistakes, latch onto a woman, be put on a pedestal and have all his needs met. Of course we all want the last part - or at least - be loved unconditionally. But too much theory about how that's done proves to be useless in the real world.

Only yesterday I realized how much poison he had been feeding me over the past 6 months. Carl has a special way of making me feel inadequate, like I need help, as I am so lost without the right man saving me. (let me guess - him?)

Last night’s dance opened my channels to the divine, and I knew that I wouldn’t be saved by him in a million years.
I would fuckin’ die.

Once again I was sure that it was better to be alone than be unhappy with someone so needy.
I stuck around because I thought that he was the rational man my parents would have loved me to have. I was hoping the fascination by his analytical mind would turn into love and a desire to care for him.

I couldn't have been more off. I cannot believe how many times I felt bad after our dates, his monologues. I thought it was because I must have been dysfunctional after all and I needed this man to tempt me for ‘better days’ if only I settled.

Dancing is my life. I should come back to this practice every Friday again - as I need to feel that I am a powerful woman capable of both grounding and setting myself free. No man should make me feel otherwise.
I hate to think how many women are staying with their men for all the wrong reasons.

Now I have to remind myself of COMPASSION.... COMPASSION…COMPASSION
Human action is either love, or call for love (Marianne Williamson)
Additionally, this is just my perception. Carl is definitely some girl’s dream dude!
God bless this motherfucker. <Smiley emoticon>
***
I won't write about the new guy much yet, as it’s early days to tell what kind of a person he really is, but I am getting a sense of the role he plays in my life. He crossed my path to remind me that worthiness is an inside job, I must wear my deepest truths upon my sleeve and know that I can be approved of by a human being and actually FEEL it too (as I do with God). I’m amazed how positively charged I'm still feeling since we kissed goodbye 8 hours ago.

The lovely dates with him are getting longer and longer. Who would have thought that we meet at 10am at the markets and leave West End after 3pm.
These dates are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. They’re mix of revolutionary ideas, some atheistic truths (as the one above from Alain de Bottom) and the bliss of embracing a little of anarchy in one’s personal life.

It feels so good to feel accepted completely, all the aspects of me, as opposed to just hear the words of acceptance - I’ve been there before. Some people call themselves loving and open-minded until they’re not. They nonchalantly accept one's life choices and generously give a form of absolution (As if one did something outrageously wrong), but you don't actually FEEL it.
 - thank you, I'll politely decline this favor!

I believe that people always do their best. It might not be right according to the society's norm, but if it feels right in the gut, then it's most likely the right life choice for YOUR life.

I know that I can be intimidating, loud, inappropriate and crazy sometimes. But at least I don’t claim that I have the manual for life.
On the other hand, Carl would probably find one in his pocket...



Thursday, June 8, 2017

Boundaries, Ego And Shame

This video was so good! Teal never ceases to surprise me.

It is true that sometimes I feel bad for setting boundaries with other people. Whether they're relatives, clients, lovers or passersby, I feel I should be ashamed for feeling confident enough to even have boundaries.

How not to make the other person feel bad about themselves when stating what I am comfortable with and what I am not ok with?

It's a vicious cycle. Feeling rejected is a natural human reaction to something desirable being denied to them. Then they may deflect their shame on others just because they do not want to face their fear of not being good enough.
It is an allusion, of course.

Again, it seems that the biggest, deepest fears the ego holds are fears of rejection and fears of not being good enough. That false suspicion makes us walk around under a veil of shame. Nevertheless, the ego finds ways to mask those feelings of inadequacy - irrational arguments for example.

In order to make human relationships work, that shame needs to be expressed in healthy ways during communication. The tendency to feeling ashamed must be accepted as part of our vulnerability in this world.
We are in this world, but we are not of it.

I highly recommend all Teal's videos.


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Tantra on me II - releasing old flames

Walter, a friend from Sydney who learned the art of Tantra after I had initiated him in December keeps surprising me ever since.

We went for a run along the river outlining Brisbane's CBD, ate a delicious dinner, and after that I got pampered to the best Tantric experience with him so far. I’ve only written about my first experience some time in February as it was quite intense: a tingling orgasm, some visions, and lots of internal tension came to the surface to be released. The other two or three Tantra massages he gave me in the following months were also special, yet the final releases quite ordinary. Once, before the detox program - I slept through the entire massage as I had overdone the wine during the dinner. Luckily, I know Walter quite well by now, I trust him and I never worry that he would take advantage of me just lying there (drunk).

P.S: Yeah, please, do not drink alcohol before having a Tantra massage - as nothing happens then.

Last night I felt quite tired (and I had actually someone new on my mind! psst), so I decided that I would just enjoy the touch, the coconut oil gliding along my body, the sensual music, but not really pay attention to my breath… I didn’t want to try to direct the breath towards climax, I needed only an utter relaxation.

However, my body showed me its 'muscle memory' once more. In the end it had me breathing deeply exactly as what Margot Anand describes “riding the wave of bliss”, which to my surprise finally became a second nature to me. No effort to breathe that way anymore.

I kept breathing, feeling the fiery energy warming up my spine, inviting the energy all the way up to my crown chakra and really being aware of the pelvic area as the seat of arousal and relaxation at the same time. Something wanted to be released. It was so funny, I knew that it was J’s energy! It had me laughing - out loud! 

The old part of me wanted to keep it, conserve it, store it…but the part that was momentarily being healed by Tantra had me expel it, along with a cute little orgasm that had me giggling. 
Walter, also smiling, couldn't understand my giggles, so when I came down I explained that a perceived painful memory had been totally transformed into something hilarious, and then it left my body. 
I kept it to myself that it was J leaving it energetically!

I experienced similar release of old lovers in the past as well. It was in the beautiful Byron Bay few months prior where I released Adam during a Craniosacral therapy with Christine. 
(definitely no nudity)
I released Gilbert through Reiki with Lisa in 2009 or 2010, and Russel during my very first remedial massage. He got me the voucher from a gym he worked at few weeks prior to my breaking up with him. When I finally came to use it, already as a single girl, I cried uncontrollably under the lady's hands. 

It was a deep tissue massage :/

How did I cleanse myself after years of sleeping with unconscious men [unconsciously]? I reconnected to my heart, woke up my first 3 chakras from a deep sleep, and claimed myself from the waist down once more.

Smudging with white sage is also brilliant, as well as crystals and of course… my dear 5rhythms helped me spring my body to its happy, full potential.
Dance, dance, dance!

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Saying NO to 'free' sex

I had an opportunity to go on a short trip with J. It was not only tempting to see another city in Australia but, of course, to see J’s body again and let him explore mine.
Since he came back we've only seen each other for occasional lunch dates. No sex.

That boy has everything.

He has good looks, he’s smart and a lotta fun… then he comes home to his beautiful family that he decided to fight for... 

Till today he reminds me that my wisdom and selfless understanding inspired him to it!  
Only J can be committed to his family while still trying to tempt me under his hot body in such an innocent manner that one cannot be mad at him, judge or blame him!! 

Being out of denial ever since ‘the out of sight out of mind’ long business trip of his, where I reconnected with what I really desired, I can clearly see that coming onto this trip with him would have only killed me.

It would add to his “everything” the extra icing on the cake in the form of an amazing free sex with a crazy vixen (as I am).

Thank God I can see how much I’ve learned from my past life and how much I’ve grown.

Sex shouldn’t be given freely if the inevitable payoff is feeling worse than before the act happened. Yes, I would enjoy having him fuck my brains out for 2 days, no doubt... I would even lose weight as I know I get a suppressed appetite when I'm giddy ...and then?

Then I would spend 2 weeks getting over the fact that it was just 2 days, and the side effects of coming back down to Earth include depression, alcohol and sugar cravings, and blindness towards happier romantic opportunities. I know all that by now and finally I behave appropriately to my own wisdom!

This is a warning to those in similar situations - don’t think you must be a slave to your body. Your body has intelligence of its own - and that is perfectly fine - use it for diagnosing your aches and pains as possible psychosomatic symptoms of your unprocessed emotions.  

If the body just lay there and received a physical pleasure, it would enjoy it - no need to feel guilty as the body is meant to enjoy it! What I’m trying to demonstrate is that the body will not put itself on a plane, fly itself into your lover’s bed and spread its legs without you making the decision to do it. *

So decide otherwise, if you know that the consequences are not in alignment with your highest aspirations. In my case - being abandoned shortly after the trip - is not at all my happiest vision for myself!

Also… my endless escaping…. maybe I’m finally learning to stay. Even when my mind frequently wonders to Bali (where I experienced some powerful healing in the past), and lately it goes back to the Czech Republic, where life could be so easy for me, somehow I know that THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.  Maybe I must stick around here, where it hurts, and resolve the messy, unfinished business around dating once and for all.

Side note:
I've gone to the church tonight after a long absence. It's heart-warming to be part of a community that works on recognizing when the ego steps in!
Selfless, concerned about others, humble and grateful is the way to happiness.


* Regarding the intelligence of your body and making conscious decisions:
If you were taken advantage of - it was not your decision to make. If the body responded - that was completely human and natural. The way I see it, the person who took advantage of you should have been prosecuted or shown a conscious way to treat human beings.
A very sensitive topic.




Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Affirmations

From today I am my highest version of self.

I have my emotions under control.

I am no longer influenced and directed by the energies of the past.

I don't care what other people think of me.

I love myself and take care of myself.

I lead myself from a state of joy and gratitude towards happiness, abundance and selfless goals.

I am proud of my achievements in my career, studies, friendships and relationships. In fact, I have the best relationships I've ever had.

I am loved, safe, protected and divinely helped and guided.

I lift people up, I help them heal, I encourage them, motivate them, understand them and love them selflessly and unconditionally.

I am enough.

I meet and attract my TRIBE.

I belong.

Everything is taken care of.

Amen.


My detox is going super well! Got the sniffles - sings of my body purifying itself. Love it! :)
I am doing hot yoga or pilates everyday, sometimes double classes!
I feel superb actually.

The other day (probably the day that had me succumb to the cold) I run and walked for one hour, then I did a hard power yoga class.
Sweet, sweet sweat....
And I rest in between of course.
I am ready for more work now. Some interesting projects should be coming up.
Let's be surprised.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Fears vs. more effective prayers

What's your biggest fear regarding choosing the wrong partner?

Mine is violence and too much fire. Just as well no fire at all, meaning he'd have no passions. I'm guaranteed to get bored of a walking deadman beside me. 

The first reason - violence, stems from my childhood when I witnessed some of the simpler forms of domestic abuse at home. Predominantly verbal, but there were some bruises too. My father had a lot of fire. The one that breeds addictions too. My mum had no less of a fire. The one that is quick to slap, defend, or judge. In general, the flame that burns like it's the master of the universe!Therefore, I am afraid of people who do, or could, raise their voice at me, let alone of more dramatic actions. 

I am all about positive affirmations. However, acknowledging our fears is the first step to transforming them into positive wishes and effective prayers.

Funny that my biggest fear used to be being cheated on and lied to. Now, after it has happened more than one year ago and I dealt with it, the fear not only disappeared, but it seems quite superficial! Not that now I'd love to be cheated on for a change (no!), but I believe that there are worse things that could happen in a partnership, and that for this attitude I am actually less likely to be cheated on again.

How did the new fear of potential violence pop up?
As always, I've read something. I read the new guy's horoscope! Oh my... maybe less reading and more observing AND LIVING?? :)

Old-new affirmation: "I choose to focus on people's innocence and see the world through the eyes of love. I am always safe, divinely guided and protected."

I encountered some big challenges while on my holistic detox...mainly emotional ones, but I also sinned a little during my solo trip to Melbourne. Well, more on that next time. I am restoring my integrity here in Brisbane!

Meanwhile a little comment I posted on Fb under a picture of St. Kilda's beach that I've taken:
"When you respect your need for solitude to recharge, you may as well attract your 'tribe' this way. I went to St.Kilda/Melbourne on Friday. I felt blessed and I honored the time off to nurture myself. By chance, I met an Ukrainian angel, Katja, and I sensed an instant connection with her. Our chat helped me on my personal quest for gaining clarity.
Even if you think you are alone, watch out - angels are everywhere! Trust, and share your story, you never know whose heart it might melt."

xxx

Monday, May 22, 2017

People who gave up on stimulants (Day 3)

I have faith that I will keep refraining from drinking coffee and alcohol for the next three months, but I am not sure if I'll keep journaling about it every day. As writing down the stuff I ate, craved, or dreamt about is... kind of boring!

I already feel clearer and I'm taking thoughtful actions, so if I don't log in every day - it means a good thing! (I probably went to bed earlier. 💤)
I got even more determined about my holistic detox today when I remembered some people who gave up coffee and wine many, many years ago, and they still reap the benefits. 
Eric, American man whom I met while I was living and dancing in Paris, and few months after we also met up in Prague. 
We couldn't find a better opportunity to open up to each other than my sudden panic attack during our dinner one night. So... talking about an ice breaker...NOT! Not recommended.
Anyhow, I learned that he had given up alcohol 9 years prior and he didn't look back. It was quite unbelievable for me that time. I was aware that that substance didn't 'suit' me when drinking myself under the table some weekends, but I held the opinipon that one glass every now and then was of no harm.
That is for another debate.
Moving on, somehow Eric crossed my mind today, after 5 years or so of not being in touch. I am grateful for remembering that man's story. He seemed to me as a very 'together' guy, having a successful business and a kind heart. Success needs a focused mind!
Another person who's been crossing my mind since the day I started thinking about giving up wine, is Doreen Virtue. During one interview she admitted to having drunk down her emotions, intuition, and voices from the spirit she heard, just because she didn't want to seem crazy, stand out from the crowd, and in general - be visible and different. The next day she would drink lots of coffee to keep awake, and in the evening she would wind down with more wine... a vicious cycle. I resonated with that correlation between alcohol and coffee in my past big time!
Series of events had her stop. She was able to hear her angels' messages clearer, and thus she embraced her gifts.
Now Doreen's a world renowned author and angel cards' reader.
Another person who inspires me is a photographer and cameraman, Chef. (Wow, first post where I'm using real names! Perhaps it's to pay homage to those people)
I met Chef in Prague where he needed me as a model for a photographic project. It was so much fun. Again, I think I have a certain power to make people open up to me (this time not through a panic attack). Chef shared his story, and it was clear that there was no other way for him than to completely give up all stimulants (except Czech's fatty foods and sex I think). So once he made that decision to recover from drugs, he would never drink coffee, alcohol or smoke either. That's how it works.

I am inspired.
I choose to be a good vegetarian too. Haha.

I found the classic five buddhists precepts simply revamped and beautifully elaborated:



I love it.
You see, sex is allowed! (It just needs to be done right) And if someone serves you a plate with fish or meat, it seems that you may eat it too. YOU didn't harm the poor thing after all.
I don't know what will happen after the detox ends, but I'll make sure that I'm happy in love and live in harmony with life.
Whatever is needed for that, I'll do it.





Sunday, May 21, 2017

Sex-detox - yes or no (day 2)

Breakfast: stevia-sweetened home made acai bowl without any fruit. instead: chia, buckins, almond butter.
Lunch: kale salad with nutritional yeast, cultured veggies, olive oil
Snack: home-made chocolate mouse with cocoa, half avo, stevia, coconut milk, almond butter
Dinner2 eggs, carrots (example of Eastern European small dinners. I am grateful for that childhood conditioning.)

I went for a good walk during the day to soak up the sun rays - what an awful winter Australia has! It made me sweat and feel happy. I love the sunshine and hot weather! While stopping for a breath (lol, the period laziness), I tried a decaf coffee with soy milk from my favorite Newstead cafe - it felt so good!.... however, I had a mild headache shortly afterwards. It could have been because I drunk it on empty stomach after one hour of walking under the sun, or it doesn't agree with me. I will give the decaf another shot next weekend. It would be nice to fit this treat within my detox boundaries!
I didn't crave any wine today, and as usual - my own clean chocolate saved the day.

I had other urges though.... I'm hoping that sex-detox isn't on the menu of holistic recovery. I know that people do benefit from celibacy. I tried this type of detox 3x in my life (3-4 months, the longest one was 4 ½ months).
To clarify - if you observe that you use sex to 'escape', feel better, or you abuse your body on a regular basis by consenting to something that you don't actually really want - then I suggest: go on, try a sex-detox. The benefits are huge and cover range of areas. Bigger self-esteem, restored integrity, faith in your own power to feel good, sense of greater self-love, and better choices reg. next sexual partners. The first month is the most challenging, then the obsessive erotic images disappear (mostly), and one gains a deeper clarity and focus.
I've done it for those reasons and I don't regret. 
My true essense is made for mating though! My body doesn't like long periods of celibacy now that I healed from all the physical abuse.
So I shall fit some sex into my 'emotional detox' too. I have only one rule - being mindful of whom I let into my temple next time. It won't need to be my future boyfriend, nor potential husband, but he better be emotionally healthy and free, independent of responsibilities to other females, and have a non-addictive personality (btw. respectful and sexy are non-negotiables). 

I tried a different type of breathing with my female client yesterday and I practiced it this morning alone in my bedroom. Everyone should know his type of tantric breath! It's amazing how quickly it energizes and brings waves of arousal without the need for a hardcore masturbation (ok, that did happen later).
We shouldn't be too busy pleasing someone else to not be doing this breathing and moving when we're having sex! There is no rush to get to the 'end goal'.... I know this, yet time and time again I forget to stay in the moment, breathe right, and make it count.

It's nearly 11pm, I'm starting to crave some peanut butter. I better go to sleep quickly, before I find my way to the fridge!


Saturday, May 20, 2017

First day

Three-month detox challenge late check-in:
Not drinking, not eating junk (but eating a lot), and trying (oh, the damn word!) to be positive. 
First day of my period, very fatigued, cravings were on, but I conquered them with healthy alternatives, like, 500g of cocoa drowned in lots of creamy coconut milk... The unsweetened hot choco was divine! 
I was invited to go out grooving, but it was one of the evenings when I had a booking and then I just wanted to jump in the bed and listen to Hayhouse. In overall a challenging day regarding cravings for sugar, sex and wine - if I were to go out, so I held on tight to the leash I'd put around my neck, bit my nails and stayed strong. The first few days are the most uncomfortable ones, plus I have the female days, but it won't last forever. I know that this is the way to go. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel 😄

Friday, May 19, 2017

How an unexpected binge led me to an idea for a holistic recovery

This post is live! Uncensored! Unedited! Haha. 
As if I've ever done otherwise.

I planned to visit an Ecstatic dance community in West End tonight; Grooving to the electro-trance-shaman music, getting out of the head into the body, losing myself, finding clarity and rejoicing in the happiness on the dance floor...

Instead I binged and couldn't move. My 'small' pre-dance snack turned into a full blown dinner with perhaps not the wisest food choices.

I was determined to dance anyway....

So...to productively utilize my digesting before feeling light enough to rock my own living room, I tuned into to the annual Hayhouse world summit 2017 (as I've been for the past 5 years!) .

I got blown away by an interview with Kerri Richardson about clutter (physical, emotional, body weight or relationships), and further inspired by Liana Werner-Gray's healing food blog.
Couple of days ago I listened to a talk about food addictions by Dr. Susan Pierce Thompson, and she made my weight struggle appear mundane, yet borderline if emotions were left unchecked.
Being also a big advocate of the "Body Ecology" way of eating by Donna Gates, I put 2 and 2 together...
and x, y, z... and things started to make sense.

Long story cut short:

I am embarking on a 3 months detox. Since I have only 3 months left in Australia guaranteed, I might as well make them healthy and working towards my happiness.
It won't be about juicing or starving myself...

Interestingly, nobody mentioned a word about coffee and alcohol on Hayhouse today, and I know how sensitive this topic is! Coffee, wine - good or bad?? How much, how little, when? I am sick of it as well as you. 
But I have my history of substance and food abuse.... Because I know that balance is so hard to achieve, even irregular drinking directly impacts my whole life - The way I think, the way I feel, the way I act and the way I turn a blind eye on toxic people who feel good in my presence, but I feel worse in theirs..
I am the sensitive one and I must respect that.

I've been slipping off the happiness and stability track in the past few weeks. It's my lack of integrity with myself.

No need to despair - I devised a plan for recovery!

Non-negotiables from now on to August 25th and hopefully beyond, wherever it might be:

  • Saying no to alcohol, coffee, processed sugar and flour - wheat
  • No to toxic relationships
  • Diet free from negative thoughts, self-judgment, guilt and other unaddressed negative emotions. -> yes to daily forgiveness and gratitude.
  • SWEAT once a day (at least). Whether it'd be hot yoga, pilates, dance or running, or a very long love-making session (with a non-toxic person for a change). Doing something physical every day.
  • No to mixing carbohydrates with protein - e.g: quiche, sushi, pasta with cheese, gluten-free anything with meat, eggs or dairy.
I believe that when I tackle the first two points, everything else will follow effortlessly. I will be doing the right thing for my brain and my body. When these two start working in my favor again, I'll naturally make healthier food choices and award myself with more happy, positive and nurturing thoughts. 
Further tricks for my DETOX:

  • Starting my day with lots of water. And a glass of lemon water - warm or cold.
  • Morning visualization of happiness, feeling in love with myself and life. Prayer to God filled with gratitude.
  • Approved liquids for energy - matcha, chai, green tea, oolong, yerba mate. Not sure about decaffeinated coffee yet.
  • Eating whole foods
  • Yes to kefir, yes to probiotics and cultured vegetables, no to kombucha
  • No to cakes with flour, coconut sugar and seemingly good stuff - I don't need that for my survival
  • Swapping commercial dark chocolate for cacao with stevia and coconut oil
  • Limiting fruit. 1-2 pieces of fruit per day
  • Limiting dairy, soy and peanuts. If, then organic or cultured.
I will monitor myself by writing daily posts stating what I ate and how I feel..
I feel excited already! :)

And yes, I danced for one hour to Wild Marmalade, and I am convinced that moving and feeling optimistic is my TRUE nature.

Message to my body:
My body, please forgive me for resisting your cries, your signals, and trying to outsmart you. I love the way you feel when it doesn't feel right!






Sunday, May 14, 2017

Depth of Clarity (workshop)

Getting clear on certain matters in our lives is a must…. However, analyzing doesn't always work.

This weekend's 5rhythms dance workshop by David Juriansz (MovingEssence) brought a new level of presence to my thought process and it expanded my heart in exchange.

How was 'letting your head go' and dropping into the body to find the answers?

It was delicious, magnificent, perfect, effortless, awesome, fun, inspiring and transformative. And sweaty, of course.

My notes from yesterday:

In a dance, start by embodying your shadows… the opposites of what you think you should be… In my case it was: the slut, the whore, the nomad, the needy woman, the nutcase…

Don’t just ‘accept’ it, be it - embody it - play with it, and love it.

My perceived ’problem’ used to be constant closing off, opening up, then closing off, and again… Am I a fickle butterfly? Indecisive? Split??
What is it like to dance my confusion, my inconsistent nature, the randomness of my actions?

Let’s play the game playfully. Closing off isn't necessarily a bad thing if I have fun with it, if I play it long enough, get bored, thus start opening up to a new attitude, perception, way of looking at things…

Soften into your confusion - acknowledge your sloppiness…
be friendly with it.

Today, the last day of the workshop, I started a little activated… My driver (a fellow dancer, Rick) arrived later than we agreed upon, so I was worried we wouldn’t get to the event on time, and thus disappoint the facilitator.. 
I’ve had my share of late arrivals and the necessary apologies for restoring my integrity… so I understood. However, since doing few “Integrity seminars” that’s not to be expected of me anymore. I am all about integrity in punctuality these days.

Off the record- when my clients arrive late - I don’t like it, but I can understand it. When they arrive super early, 10 minutes plus, I somehow perceive it just as rude as being late and unannounced.
The top of all rudeness was when a new client, a woman who wanted my coaching on a sensitive topic, arrived 1 hour and half earlier! She texted me at 10:15 that she is soon getting off of the bus and would be at my place at 10:30… hmmm… what happened to our appointment at 12pm?????

I was out, living my life, but I said, mhm, ok, let me catch a cab….
Then I, amateur, gave her also an extra hour FREE OF CHARGE.

Ok. My fault. I’m just a life coach junior …

Rick and I managed to miraculously arrive right on time. The time we were told the previous night… but the overall thing started 30 minutes late anyway! (just as always).

What did I discover today?

LOVE DOESN’T NEED TO COME FROM JUST ONE SOURCE. IF YOU WISH IT TO COME ONLY FROM ONE SOURCE, PLEASE DON’T MAKE IT A HUMAN BEING.

I love that spontaneous realization. Oftentimes, when we feel unloved, lonely, misunderstood, or we feel our lovers don’t feel the same about us, we latch onto them, trying to 'change their minds', squeeze out more love, but love is really all around us… there was so much love on the dance floor today!

How did I finally embody CLARITY?
I declared it out loud.
Breakthrough:
When deciding, FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

I started loving hugs…. The random hugs from random people. Some hugs are so frickin’ supercharged. Luckily, we are able to choose to let only love in… 
As people, we cary lots of unhelpful shit too, we store energies that should have been expelled long time ago, but in our defense we are also so full of infinite love. When interacting with others, we can choose to let only love in - Only love gets to get in!
Receive. Give. Feel the goodness. And that’s it.

I used to pick up on people’s shit, and soak it up like a sponge… but I don’t do that anymore. The resolution was a conscious choice. A respectful one, but definitely one reflecting my new, higher level of self-love and self-respect. I have boundaries: I am here to support - but I am not here to “carry your shit”.
Amen.

God is my infinite source of love and wisdom. I want to ground myself there, and not feel hungry for human unconditional love. It exists - but it’s not the only source, and it needs to be given the space to roam free….

Regarding the clarity for my next ventures, studies and relationships… ugh. Tough cookie. The confusion is gone, or rather the negative emotion due to the perceived confusion by the story I invented... so, I am waiting for CLARITY to step in. (
Overnight, please??)




Embrace all of you!

My event “Are you still judging you?” went well. 

We browsed into the spheres of self-love and acceptance of the fearful ego more than anywhere else.

I utilized all that I’ve learned about my thought process and applied it in a positive and simple, no-pressure way, so others could see that: the judging will never stop! 
But we can disassociate from its detrimental effects of paralyzation. If people don't act upon their deepest yearnings because of a "story" they have, they'd keep judging themselves in a harmful way.

The trick is to separate the negative emotion from the story we are telling ourselves about the original experience. Negative emotion is a sign that we are still processing what happened to us, and unfortunately, we tend to get absolutely overwhelmed by feelings of powerlessness and therefore, in many cases, we are paralysed to change the "story" to something that would empower us instead.

The emotion is not the enemy. It is the self-sabotage, or the 'justified non-action' that is.

I'd like to think I devised a tool for seeing the distinctions, for recognizing what is real and what can be thrown away. 
Self-love and self-respect in spite of the fears are key to master the courage to change the broken record running in our subconsciousness.

I got a nice feedback and I saw that people were leaving grateful and inspired.
I wish I had the extra balls to have promoted my new services as a starting life coach too, not just a "motivational speaker".
But we all have to begin somewhere, hey...
And perhaps the word of mouth will do its trick...

I will do this again.




Monday, May 8, 2017

Toxic or crying out for love?

When to cut the cords, thus help, and when to stick around and help

Should we keep on agreeing with people's defense mechanisms to which they are so oblivious?

'Help' in italics because I believe that unless we confront the person in a respectful manner and leave them to access their own resources (cut the cords for a short time), no other means of help (e.g. agreeing, friendly counselling) are effective.

Perhaps I'm just justifying my recent action.

I feel a little unsure about the impact I made on my aquaintance Steve with the contemplated, yet very direct essay I sent on Saturday at 5am. I couldn't keep quiet any longer...I wanted to shake him and bring him back to his senses.

"Steve, our meeting has deeply upset me. I just woke up and knew I had to write it off my chest. Please know that I am sending you a big wave of love...

You are withholding yours from people. Unless you're willing to give it freely, give more of yourself, become bare and vulnerable, you will keep on getting what your getting and meeting whom you're meeting. I'm sure those dates could have been great women, but they couldn't get through your invisible barriers.

You said you were my friend, but when I shared about J you didn't try to understand me and judged me instead. My real friend just listened last night without being smart about what happened or making judgments. She felt my pain, and offered her compassion. Nothing more was needed.
Please do not contact me for the next few weeks. Just observe yourself. I hope you'll find your unicorn - in the ideal world where you're surely a prince charming.
If not, love every second without pigeonholing people.

Take care of yourself, don't drink down your emotions as you're just avoiding facing your demons and pushing love further away. Love has many forms and expressions. Sometimes we learn it through tears. No one promised it would be easy. Either way, tears are cleansing and lead to the heart expanding more. Mine expanded, but yours is contracted and cold. 
Good luck."

I am aware that we are not here to 'set people straight', or lead them by the hand (unless they're children), and neither we're here to abandon them. We need each other. 
And timing is essential.

When I looked into J’s sparkling eyes the other night, I saw what I had been avoiding to see nearly all my life…. that we were all one.

We are all connected… what I’ll do unto him, he will do unto the mother of his children, his children, his colleagues, and then they will do same unto others… There is nothing as words and actions without consequences…. 

I wasn’t sure whether I should see him, feeling afraid that he was just passing the time [with me] until his partner gets better (not a very empowering thought); moreover, I'd have to be acting all cool before his upcoming business trip.
Talking about sense and sensibility battles, unidentified feelings, horniness, and loneliness that cloud my judgment… and so does the aforementioned ‘connection’. I realized then and there that his happiness equaled my happiness… that somehow, inevitably, I had to make space for whatever that guy required for happiness to occur.

We are all designers of our own happiness, but frankly, how often do we get it 'right'? Not always. So we have to play the cards we were dealt with and adjust our attitudes accordingly. 

I chose love and surrender that night, confident that he would pass that on - unto others.

This is how I explain what I said to Steve. I care about him enough to let him know what I think about his actions. He may decide to take an offense from my mega long text (ok, I could have called), or he may choose that it is time to stop being a big baby that got hurt long time ago, harbors resentments, and is judgmental of others, and start being more loving and compassionate. Compassion and love breeds more of the same in others... The reaction to someone embodying those is usually positive and causes a desirable domino effect.
It's time to become the warriors of light & heart.



“The way of the miracle worker is to see all human behavior as one of two things: either love, or call for love.”
- Marianne Williamson

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Awakened Woman - Phoenix interviews Peggy Oliveira

I loved this interview with Peggy Oliveira.


"we can’t just meditate" "we must consciously honor the pain." - Peggy Oliveira

About your underlying shame:
"what are you afraid to share?" - Peggy Oliveira

"you can’t give love without being vulnerable" - Peggy Oliveira

"you’re never totally healed from anything, because life is hard" - Peggy Oliveira

"keeping secrets takes a lot of energy" "you are liberating others to truth." - Phoenix




Is this the end to my breakup healing? (summary)

Ralf started my journey of ‘recovery’ from the slight (quite fucked up) obsession with my Ex. I simply realized that there were men out there to be admired, men that suited me better with their emotional and mental capacity…. 
It wasn’t meant to be physical with R - I am glad that I didn't push R’s unspoken reasons for not sealing our connection on the physical plane as well as the emotional one (where we did), so I appreciated him for respecting my own boundaries - shamefully, not for any other reason than having an excuse to mourn. I couldn't sleep with him because I still felt unready.

R left the country; however, I stopped dreaming about my ex. In exchange I couldn’t stop dreaming about what could have been with R. 
When that faded away, Adam filled most of my lonely moments and replaced them by the hands on practicalities of a casual intercourse. It wasn’t earth-shattering, yet it it was enough for what it was worth - a distraction. 
When that ceased to exist as well, I couldn’t put away dealing with my demons any longer… I broke through the blues by taking responsibility for how I felt, what I longed for, and what was missing in my life… Once I fully embraced my own emptiness - the empty space that I kept for the masculine man who would 'fulfill me' - and I courageously unleashed the divine masculine that has always been there right next to my divine feminine essence, I felt united. 
I reached a union within me, I felt totally satisfied with all the aspects of me, I embraced my sexuality (my masturbation rituals), I did couple of Tantra workshops, established deeper connections with my clients and random people I came across.... and then … then another man appeared. 

This time I was very close to feeling how I always wanted to feel: Raw, yet aware of the rawness; fucked up, yet accepting of the fuckedupness; vulnerable, yet comfortable in that discomfort of vulnerability; and loving - but knowing that love is not a good enough reason to lose all our senses.

That man (J) didn’t cross my path to become ‘mine’. He crossed my path to lift me up higher towards my potential. He crossed my path while possibly looking for an escape from his momentarily  unhappy domestic life. I could have been his drug he didn’t get addicted to; his adventure, he didn't want to keep up; his safe haven, he didn't need to hang out in for longer than necessary.

I'm glad he found his way....
Even though I said one thing ad meant another.... ("no" - but meaning "yes, stay")
I am the supposed divine master, and I am suppossed to know better. I'm lovingly letting go of this bird...

Any traces of lusting after my ex are gone.
Thank you, God! It's been a rollercoaster year but I am extremely grateful for everything.

So am I healed?
"You’re never totally healed from anything, because life is hard" - Peggy Oliveira


I met someone new - THE [happy] END

How an innocent goat tried to romance a fine rabbit

The best thing about J’s and mine connection was the uncensored, uninhibited HONESTY.

I didn’t have to pretend I was someone I wasn’t. I just tried to be my amazing self more often, but I wasn’t always so, so I apologized when my words cut as a sharp knife. 

He didn’t have to act amazing all the time either, he didn’t pretend to be a prince charming and he didn’t strive to make me believe that all things were perfectly aligned in his life. He shared authentically about his past, and he knew how to make fun of himself, which helped because I loved making fun of certain aspects of his life. It made the brief romance so pure and easy on our sensitive hearts.

What can I say… it was my fault - I seduced him. Something in me just wanted to consume that man and be consumed by him.

I experienced a sense of familiarity when he came to see me.
J wasn’t just good looking but also very good natured…

Too early, yet legitimately, I rejected him as a potential boyfriend material, then tempted him back in for sex, while on my quest to turn him into a potential lover.

I tend to make my romantic relationships about sex anyway - to stay in my comfort zone. That’s how deep is my fear of getting hurt if I show how much I care or how smitten I am.

Still, he belonged somewhere else.

I can’t feel guilty for being the one who switched on the green light for the sexual escapade to take place. He was in the process of separation, which made it (probably) permissible to escape into the arms of another woman. Regarding myself, I was a single sleeping beauty with a dormant vaginal sex machine.
And J deserved to be touched by a spiritual, loving woman.

The sex was too good to be true. I could get used to that!… The last time a man had me in the bed for 2,5 hours was when I was 20 (Hello, Russel). Then the second one shortly afterwards (Gilbert) enjoyed me sleeping by his side for 8, but the love-making was never as throughout and intense. 
But I could have just forgotten...

Sex with J was what I had been dreaming of the whole past year. A masculine man with a body to die for affectionately consuming me and loving every bit of me… then the romantic long soul gazing during and after… I must have done something right to manifest those prayers for deeper sexual experience with just as involved human being.

It wasn’t all about sex… (although it felt damn great, and I’ll never forget the naughtiness in the nappy changing room by the beach), we also talked and shared like two long-time old souls. In the short 3 weeks we talked more than I’ve ever had in 5 months of on and off affair with Adam.

Plus there was the yoga, the pilates, the swimming, and the dinners...

I can’t feel sorry for changing my mind, taking the risk, and going all the way with J.

But I slapped myself on the cheek, sobered up and released him from my clutches….fly little bird…into the new beginnings… save your partnership…if you can… keep the family intact.

Here comes a quote from Teal Swan :
“ Stop loving people, start understanding them.”

What else I've learned in this speedy romance:

  • I don’t have to give more than what I’m being given. I don’t have to give anything, except love. 
  • People must learn each other’s love language
  • Sex (physical touch) is not enough. Spending quality time together, be of service to one another, words of affirmation and gifting each other with little thoughtful stuff are also essential. 
  • Romantic men with poetic hearts could be my next new thing! It looks like I started digging men who can tap into their feminine side that appreciates beauty. That being said - 
  • My fear of intimacy gets triggered by those poetic male hearts! Big Time! 
  • Handling my jealousy is still kinda hard … and now I know that it’s challenged by thoughts of not being good enough and viewing other women/children/men as a threat - maybe a past work-related fear that I could be replaced anytime. Then I try my hardest to be a sex siren and it feels like I’m just affirming myself that I am no good for anything else. This vicious cycle is about to stop. I uncovered it, experienced it, and off it goes… bang
  • If we listen…. actively listen…. not plan our response ahead, not judge the words being heard, but if we really listen… we know. I heard “addictive personality” “disorganized” “looking for a unicorn” “in an ideal world” “overspending” ——— those weren’t indications that I was supposed to “save” this man, neither run away from him (because we were so alike), but they were good enough warning signs (alarm bells) that it wasn't advisable to fall in love there. Sex yes, but careful with your extra freebies... 
  • Commitment to anything is GOOD, noble, mature, it gives one an integrity, depth and expands the heart. Looking outside of an entity we gave life and power to (a relationship, business, a hobby), and which made us grow as human beings in return, is a form of an escape that is bound to backfire. Bang, bang
  • Commitments could be broken, of course, and sometimes they must be. To preserve our integrity, in an ideal world, everyone involved should speak their truth and decide upon the best resolution.
J mentioned I could look into a career of a relationship counsellor….. ahahahahaha.

Who would have thought that the long-time escapist could actually create a brand new beginning utilizing the lessons she learned when she began staying, committing, and completing things?
Could I actually help people start doing the same? 


Regarding relationships… are they always worth saving? When are we staying for the highest and happiest good of all concerned and when are we leaving for the highest and happiest good of all concerned? Is staying the ultimate selfless sacrifice? Is living apart but taking care of one another possible? - isn't that better than living together and not really caring?
I could do some research about this…

How about staying where you don’t belong? I don’t necessarily mean romantic relationships now, but how about work where you are not happy, an outdated calling, or drug habits and places that feed your unhealthy addictions?

I am glad that I untangled myself from my previous career…I am not fully out of the essence of it (I’m embracing any residues of shame and controversy in a meaningful way. Wink.) but I’m doing much more with my life as I have a firm grip of it now! And I never say 'yes' when I want to say 'no'. If that was the only gift I gave to myself - my past experience was worth it!


Could I've saved my previous relationship? 
I could have tried. But it would be a 'one-person battle' an I wouldn’t spread much goodness in it all by myself. Nevertheless, two people fighting for the same thing, having the same values and enough love for one another to feed the relationship (as a separate entity they once gave life to) - yes, I believe that is sustainable!









Friday, April 21, 2017

I met someone new - absolution

Ok, J is not as bad as I portrayed him. 
I was scared... scared of my feelings for someone so gorgeous. His poetic heart is equally as appealing as his kind eyes and masculine body. 
Discovering that his baggage was bigger than mine (for a change), sounded as an exciting news.
However, he manages like a superhero. Is there such a thing as 'wrong timing' for two souls to meet? Or is it all perfect the way it is and isn't... ? (yes)
My split personality entertains itself with few interesting conversations among its parts.
One says "When he crashes, I'm there for him."
The second scorns: "Here you go, you make him appear needy coz' you need to be needed to feel good about yourself."
And the third persona laughs "No, you won't be there for him. Come on, you'll run away!"
Well, it looks like we all have a nice chat together and the mind is wired full on.
Anyway, Tuesday wasn't the end of him/us, and it looks like there is some continuation... or at least I hope that last night wasn't a dream! 
It would have been a pretty wet dream...

I'll check in again.

Update on nutrition for wellbeing

https://breakthroughbreakup.blogspot.com.au/p/treating-depression-and-axiety-naturally.html

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

What does (in)fidelity in(ex)clude

Better not to read J’s messages again. It all sounds too complicated. I consciously chose not to take in the early red flags. I rather pretended/hoped that those hints were a good sign of his honesty. The “by the way” lines about his past… Now I see that this man could have been a compulsive liar, cheater, and possibly weak-willed regarding stimulants.
(idea for my next research - are some men predestined to lying, cheating and selfishness? JK. It would do my head in)
On the other hand, I have immense compassion for people who had to grow up too fast due to circumstances - like having newborns; or had to deal with certain tragedies and then fell off the wagon.

But then he said “I have couple of kids, their mum lives just around the corner, we are in the process of separation…” 

what he probably meant: just around the corner of my bed.
Would he cheat on her [again], or would he cheat on me (in a possible future)?

Maybe I just want to remind myself, and other naive creatures - let’s not underestimate the red flags again. Ever.
Lies, lies, lies in the past = bullshit, bullshit, bullshit in the present… God, when will my bad Karma regarding men get complete???

Well, who am I to judge…

After he left I felt a slight lostness, tightness on my chest and a strange emptiness. After all, I still liked him. 
I went out jogging after work and I gradually began feeling better. However, not suffering headaches normally, I must have been carrying a heavy brick where my head used to be.

I did my best to breathe and utilize the endorphins, but hey, thoughts of J crept in every so often. Then it was Him, and then there were other men from my past, mostly those who left me for someone else.

While looking over the Brisbane river it occurred to me, that I don’t have the answers to whether relationships should be monogamous or not… Also, is there such thing as monogamy-EX-inclusive ?

Until I can honestly say that I would not sleep with my ex if I saw him again, then perhaps the right guy who’d wish me to commit to exclusivity (not including exes either) should wait with his appearance in my life… but that’s not helpful. I can’t say that I wouldn’t sleep with my ex again because - there is no one better whom I can think of right now. If I fell in love with someone else, I would (hopefully) forget all about having sex with my ex. (P.S: still not wanting that guy back in my life, no way, but sometimes thoughts about him between my legs do creep in :/)

Anyway, hear this story...
I had no appetite, but I thought I should eat something substantial for dinner. I was drawn to this Thai place that I passed by many times in the past. I ordered, sat down and started answering a short survey on my phone. While ticking off those mundane questions, finally shifting my focus off of the recent events - big, fat tears began rolling down my cheeks. So powerful, unstoppable, and gracefully silent… I was glad it was so late in the evening, the restaurant was not too busy and only dimly lit.

I love that when we allow the mind to rest, whether it’s through some easy reading, meditation, massage, sex, or engaged listening to someone’s monologue, we drop down into the body and start to feel. All the emotions come to the surface, so we may experience them physically.

It was very cleansing…and necessary. The headache stopped and I felt more at peace.
I was able to eat and ENJOY the curry…

Then steps in a tall and familiar figure. This excellent timing could happen just to us, experienced manifestors!

I’ve not talked about this guy previously, as I had left the gym prior to starting this blog in September. A good-looking Swiss bloke I lost contact with. He chatted me up once while I tried to maintain my wobbly planks and then we parted with something like “see you later”, and later never came….

Funny. Once he noticed me tonight, he left his table and 3 other pals and spoke with me for several minutes, not forgetting to ask for my number this time.
I'm not sure if I'm still attracted, but any encounter is a holy encounter...

Coffee date next week   ✔.



I met someone new

Not wanting to be rude, nor ungrateful for his share of enrichment to my human experience….He was just a kid (a playful one and damn handsome).

Two years shorter of 40, yet…living the life of a boy half his age. Bring on all the cakes and let me eat them too! So, let’s call him J (for Joke)

A really, really good-looking man. From a distance you could see the wide, cheeky smile full of bright white teeth, and up close the perfect athletic body. I’ve always admired broad shoulders. A guy with a nice back (ass included) and strong thighs has been my kind of 'beauty ideal'. There was an instant emotional connection too (perhaps due to perfectly matching Western and Chinese star-signs?) However illusional, or real, I felt joyful each time we met or I received a cute text from him.

J was kind and a feast for the eyes… unfortunately, not everything one could feast on is actually worth feasting on (yes, think of those sugary, perfect looking, sponge cream cakes…)
We shouldn’t, right, ladies and gentlemen?

It felt so empowering to kick him out of my door today. 

Ok, I didn’t do it literally… I used loving words...

I was becoming well aware of our chemistry… It has grown ever since I met him 2 weeks ago…We kissed on our second date and I got more hooked… despite him being a father of two children (it used to be a deal-breaker), I liked that extra identity of his.

It paid off to wait [with sex] and ask more questions today 
(Ah, I so wanted for it to happen today! Insert a desperate emoticon here:'( ) 
It occurred to me to ask an innocent question like: "Are you really separated? "

It turned out that no. In fact, he still shared a bed with his partner, because the house was too small… 
And a relevant one:
"So the kids have no idea you guys want to separated?" 
Turned out that him and his 'ex' are actually, seemingly, staying together for the kids…
(Who else... ?)

Then came the most important questions:

"Do you honestly think I will be an accomplice to your extramarital affairs? Do you honestly think I want to be someone’s mistress?"

And out of the door he went.

Shame. I am sure he would have been an excellent fuck.
But probably a worse lover. 
How could someone else’s man love me the way I deserve?

Above all, I deserve to be seen… sure, he had no problems taking me out in the city… fairly anonymous I suppose… but I began to dream about being introduced to his kids (at some point)
Oh my, what was I thinking….? 
Hang on, I know, maybe I just BELIEVED him when he said all that time ago that he was separated???

Luckily, it’s banished before it could have caused any significant harm.

More on my mental recovery later....

27.4. 
Unfortunately, I was too quick to judge him and the situation... I am not the best judge of the matters of the heart and someone else's drama. I felt threatened by his obligations to his family, plus I thought I was setting myself up for a personal disaster. I should have just let that flow and love him the way he was, without constructing an idealized future for us.



Wednesday, April 5, 2017

What sickness taught me

I’ve been a little under the weather this week. Uhh, little, well on Monday I thought I was dying!
I had a fever and the chills made me dress as if it was -20, and sleep under three doonas.

But I refused to take any chemicals to make myself feel better. It was my flu and it needed to run its course.

Garlic, ginger and lemon tea along with vitamin C and echinacea lozens were my best friends.

On Tuesday I felt so much better. Today I felt mostly great - speaking in a sexy hoarse voice and blowing my nose every now and then. I suspect that tomorrow I’ll be back to my vital self.

You see, if I took panadol or some other medicine for colds, I could have been “addicted” for a week.

Anyway, my illness didn’t teach me that the power of nature always wins over artificial aids - I already knew that.

I did lots of EFT tapping on my pain and emotional feelings. I discovered some buried intentions behind my fatigue, past stress, overwhelm, loneliness and anxiety. It was tied to my ex, yes, but clearly I created such patterns somewhere along the journey, in my childhood perhaps. 

I thought about the ways men used to treat me. I was their “escape” from all the hardwork they were so consumed by. Their life, although seemingly full and "rich", felt like a drag to them. Who created it? They did, no one else. 
In their defense, I attracted those kind of men right into my life. I lured them in, and waited till they became my “entry ticket” to the life I have always dreamed of, yet was unable to create. Thus, they treated me as an escape, and I treated them as an entry ticket. A match? Yes, a match made in hell. I could never get what I wanted!

Now I know that the most essential relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves. Then inevitably, the more I love my life, no matter how busy, full or boringly quiet it seems, the more I attract happy people into my life. And we all benefit.

When I'm not waiting for someone to help me become someone, so I could 'unbecome' the one I was so unhappy with (e.g. all my past identities), when I'm not waiting for my entry ticket to come from the outside, I see that it is already here. I am someone - the one I decide to create. I make the choice and work towards it. I can claim it, adopt it, and own it.
Changing identities, becoming who I always wanted to be, wasn't easy. But I don't like easy. I love growing into it and working for it - by the constant effort of focusing on love, faith and gratitude.
Oh yeah, and compassion and NON-JUDGMENT - towards others and myself.
Looks like I found what I was looking for! :)

What escape or entry ticket are you waiting for?

On another note, being a little "powerless" while sick, and showing some vulnerability to God and the Universe, I received tons of miracles this week. 
That has been something mind-blowing.
When I take off my amour and I say (in a sexy hoarse voice) "I can't do this without some help, God. I need this and that, but I see no way..", He f*ing rushes in.

Just ASK.





Saturday, April 1, 2017

Breaking up with wine (and chocolate)...

... is the hardest thing ever ?!
Why do we turn to these two substances when we feel doom and gloom?

About two weeks ago I felt like more and more wine….
Was that my PMS?
I resisted, I gave in, I resisted, I gave in; A vicious cycle.

Mind you, I never have more than two glasses - half a bottle - in one day. Mostly less.

I sat in silence and looked at my oracle cards…

Afterward I went to the fridge and pulled out a half-drunk bottle from the previous night.

(Normally, I drink my reds warm, but I put them in the fridge if I think they could last there for few more days… haha)

I said out loud:

“Wine, thank you, it was very nice to meet you. But now we have to break up. You know, long-term it wouldn't work out...
I enjoy optimism, faith, joy, and a clear mind...
If something comes across and clouds my judgment, I ask the divine for help. Thank you, God/Universe/Angels/My higher self, we will face it straight and resolve it. As always.”


Then I tipped it into the sink.

The cards that helped me with this conclusion:
Grandfather Sky
The Spirit Of Fire
Card 13 - Effort
Card 78 - Spiritual Career


So why is breaking up with wine the hardest thing ever?
Because many of us keep coming back to it!
Our little never-ending affair.

This Thursday, two weeks later since that incident, it was raining nonstop from early morning till late at night. There were floods all over the coast and I wanted to get out of the apartment, check who was alive, what was open and also to do some exercise (in a gym). 
I don’t have a car (nor open license for that matter), so I was battling the rain and wind with just my umbrella, and needless to say, I still looked as if the umbrella had holes in it.

I thought the endorphins from exercise would help, but no.
(I didn’t work hard enough?)
A bar I have around the corner was open. I didn’t have to think twice. That sort of weather called for something hot, or something warming…. Let's have some red wine!

It was so…. soothing.

Then I began reminiscing about Him… and we consequently started to text…

I had my best intention to leave after the glass was empty.
But he second glass from the barman was for free.
I must have looked like I needed it.

I got home, had a super hot shower - first in 5 months (don’t get me wrong, I shower every day, but the hot Queensland’s weather makes me enjoy cold water)

I felt much better and I also slept like a baby.

What is the difference between drinking at home alone when a little fear pops up in my head, or drinking outdoor with or without someone just because the “conditions” are calling for it?

First of all, what are the "right" conditions?

If I’m drinking because I’m sad, wine puts me down even lower. If I’m drinking because I don’t like rain and soulless streets, well, I don't feel guilty then.

Checking with my integrity...

How about drinking because I’m out, having fun and I’m happy? - that almost never happens. I don’t crave alcohol when I’m with friends, truly happy and content. 
Ok, I hardly ever go out either!

To be true to my integrity, I'd like to give up alcohol completely.
Rainy days are a childish excuse.

I feel strong and full of gratitude when I face my fears and don’t drown them in alcohol. It doesn’t matter in how little or big amounts. Resisting the quick fix is more gratifying.

If it starts to rain again, I’ll remind myself of the “wine break-up talk”.
Likewise, of my friend Olga's wise words, "the sun will soon shine again".




Our brilliant minds save the day

I’ve been observing Tom since September or so. Although that is not a long time at all, I intuitively feel his personality and the way his mind works…. his thoughts produce certain emotions in his body on which he then acts accordingly.

That’s how all of us operate.

I sense what he thinks about the world - a great place full of bothersome people. He has few old best friends, and he can be very social, yet selective, and not more frequently than once a week. The other days he spends working, reading and being physically active in solitude.

The invitation for today’s visit didn’t end up as easy and straight-forward as it first seemed.

Flooding on the coast had him warn me last night that today might not be happening. 
Well, I’d be happy if somebody told me how MY mind works!

I began making my own adjustments…. so when I got a text later this morning confirming open roads, I was half way through convincing myself that the trip wouldn’t be happening, and perhaps it was best to stay in Brisbane and do some work.

Then I concluded that if I turned up in the evening to cook for him a decent vegan meal (as planned), it would still be alright.


But I must be too boring for this 65 year old chap. 
This was the message:

Let's raincheck - J. and C. are at Peppers Salt for wedding, and I got invited to reception  after the meal then party after so will go as don't want to potentially sit at home on rare night out and I need a fun night after hard week on build - mega stress times. Gonna let my hair down!

So he chose to party.
It could be all there is, but also… No.

I understand this man. He just doesn’t want to wait until his newly vegetarian friend finally arrives, cooks some rabbit food and won’t even have a drink of red wine!

Boring.

That’s Tom. You’re welcome to his mind.

Monday, March 27, 2017

How to relax?

"Did you know that 98% of our thoughts, feelings and emotions doesn’t even belong to you?" - Dr. Dain Heer
(Check out this guy, he’s not only “awake” but also very, very hot! http://drdainheer.com)


What does it mean? The way I see it - we worry bloody too much!
And we know those worries are useless gremlins painting the pictures of disaster in front of our eyes when... when we have no gurantee that our worst fears would happen at all or end up so bad. 
You know that in hindsight, most of the bad stuff that did happen wasn't as bad as those gremlins made us to believe. I'm talking about worries and stress, not stuff that we couldn't even imagine let alone predict!
Yes, we worried and in the end got hurt, shocked, humiliated, and we suffered pains and aches... but the reality was more often than not a lot easier than the imaginary horrors our minds experienced before the thing happened in real. And sometimes - the experience was nothing like our worries! It was awesome!
We learned, we grew, we got over it.

I had an amazing human being coming for a massage today. An Indigenous woman. So perfect. An absolutely stunning Venus. I noticed her striking beauty. Sadly, I don’t think she was aware of the impact she makes on people like me (If you don't know yet, I am clairsentinent, intuitive, and beauty appreciating :)). 
She could enjoy her beauty in all its glory if she just relaxed, let go and allowed herself to feel confident, powerful, open and worthy of claiming her feminine sexuality.
Is relaxing into our sexual selves worth exploring?
I believe so, because when we honor the vital force within us, and we are truly in tune with it, worries have no access to our consciousness. At least for a little while! We're that powerful on the inside.
If we are capable of worrying about everything, why not worry about nothing?

This idea calls for another workshop!