Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The Intelligence Of The Body #vomiting

If I were to write today's post from the perspective that would be the closest to my beliefs, I would breach a recent agreement with my coach for telling stories that are not necessarily the truth
Since I am banned from telling any stories for the next 10 days, the simple "truth" that happened last night is that I puked. And that's it. 
Yes, I apologize. The time between midnight and 2am last night was spent throwing up my whole dinner. I also took few hopeful breaks in between. After 2am I finally passed out.
I woke up to quite a thoughtful text message about 5 hours later, and so I started my day early. Still queesy, but I managed an evening jog-walk too.
Right, those are the facts. I hope you enjoyed the post and found some deep lessons in it.
I doubt it.
I should ask my coach whether writing in P.S. counts... I'll take the risk!

So,
P.S. It definitely wasn't the food!
Here's your story:
Ever since writing "Alarm Bells" , where I listed the sneaky warning signs, I noticed that thinking about Him has not quite been the same.
I get a knot down in my stomach, whether I think any specifics about him - good or bad, I just start feeling mildly sick. 
Other unpleasantness happened couple of weeks ago after dreaming about him out of the blue and waking up with a racing heart - nope, don't wanna touch the guy with a stick!
These days I've been busy thinking about other people - until yesterday. I concluded my ex must have been the most masculine man who had ever pursued me, always kept in touch with me (even when already sleeping with someone else), and stopping only upon my blocking his number.

I was inspired to write yesterday's post perhaps due to the illusion of feeling a certain remorse! I realized I missed such a strong masculine presence (like he had) around me. 
In the bed, I was twisting and turning, unwittingly lying to myself how awesome he has once been....I had to get up to walk off the stomachache (nothing else) and to drink some camomile tea... 
The vomits came gushing down like an avalanche.
My post-yoga dinner was nearly vegan, fresh and light.... it couldn't have been because of the food!

It was because of all the bullshit that I was telling myself that day.

My point is - the body knows. We can lie to ourselves about people, situations, beliefs... it will backfire.
For example, you know that overeating or binge drinking (not the case of my last night) is bad, yet you keep doing it and telling yourself it is "enjoying life", and then one day you develop diabetes, liver cirrhosis or a depression.
You know that sleeping with someone who treats you really wrong is a manifestation of a really low self-worth, yet you keep doing it, and then you get an ovary cyst, urinary tract infection, or worse.
You know that doing what you hate, what makes every cell in your body cringe, is most likely called masochism, yet you stick around, you do it again, then you bully yourself, or you forget who you are - a great recipe for self-harming, illnesses, abuse of substances, maybe even a suicide.

The body knows and it defends against our actions by acting as if out of control.
Vomiting is a minor symptom. I should be glad that my body deals with bullshit in this way.
After my last throw I was DONE. That's it, no more. I am putting myself out of the story.
I am not making Him the devil - I am simply lowering my tolerance for any drama!

More about drama craving next time. Yes, we all co-create it at some stage of our lives.



Monday, January 30, 2017

Masculine & Feminine

What do you think about the masculine and feminine energies within one's body?

I think I'm a typical feminine woman - free, feeling, chaotic, creative and I like to receive. There are moments when I need to tune into my masculine and use some of its aspects - analytical, organized, action-oriented, and giving. I love both sides.
However, in love I prefer being more of the former. 
(Even though I'm a natural giver!)

It seems a recurring characteristic of those heterosexual males who are "worth it", to fight for the women they choose. During my talk with my happily married friend, Rochelle, I got yet another confirmation.
Men who are comfortable in their masculine energy are actually the ones who are brave enough to keep pursuing the one they want.
It happened few times in my life, and although my escapism triumphed, those men stayed in my life as friends (I regularly keep in touch with "Russel" and "Gilbert" even though we all have moved on onto other relationships)

It never happened with predominantly feminine, weak, confused men - or men afraid of using their masculine energy in relationships. They never got me. They ceased to fight the moment first trouble appeared or the moment I began to withdraw. 
The battle of feminine energies - there's no such thing!
Feminine is up for a flight, a free-fall.... bye, bye, see you later 
NOT.
Fight is the competitive side of the masculine.
Not enough masculine men didn't feel like fighting or trying to win me over. Too intimidating?

Feminine women love masculine men who persist.
Even if she acts otherwise. 
Oh, well...

Persisting can have the form of "My door is always open. I'm here whenever you need me."

I had a spontaneous lunch with Carl, who had texted me a very gentle message stating the above. 
I am grateful that guy wants to stay in my life somehow. Until, I guess, one of us develops feelings for someone else - someone better suited.
After all, we have only just met, he knows I am not interested in becoming his girlfriend and so he has no obligations towards me. His infatuation will most likely fade away as quickly as it began.
But for now, I am happy to receive his gifts of the masculine - It feels so good to be graced by a man's masculinity and be given an insight into a masculine man's world while I'm resting in my sensual, receptive feminine. 








Sunday, January 29, 2017

Moving away from the bully

I rose to the challenge and submitted my short story 40 minutes before the deadline. 
What happened next as I was strolling down the street to get to a yoga class, I noticed the little voice in my head judging me for my style of writing, for some of the informal wording that I deliberately decided to keep, and for borrowing from a few fairy-tales that I had seen as a little girl. Additionally, the animal characters of my story resembled real life people and real life situations - implicitly, of course!
Who says they wrote a fairy-tale about a swan and a duck and it was largely based on a true story??

So I was walking, judging my art and judging myself in the reflection of passing shops, and then it hit me. I never ever give myself a frickin' credit for anything! I give points to other people for minor things they do, but I'm constantly nagging myself. The voice in my head is one big bully. Not every time I am so aware of the mind-chatter, not every time I catch it by its claws and kick its butt - sometimes it's running in the background like a broken record and I play along. No wonder it makes me feel bad and it makes me do stupid stuff. Like saying "No" when I mean "Yes", keeping to myself, and that glass of wine? It's usually unwanted, but I keep hoping its effects would shut the voice up.

Not really. It is being mindful of the voice what shuts it up eventually.
The moment I uncovered the bully, I flooded myself with pride for what I did. I hadn't entered the writing challenge expecting anything but meeting the deadline with a story complying with all the criteria. I did it.
In fact, many people would be proud of themselves if they came up with 2500 words which together make sense and get the imagination going.

Comparing ourselves to the 'Ideal' or 'Idealized version' of success, will only make us suffer.
There is no nobleness in saying that what we do is not as good as - .

If I compare myself to published writers, older writers, or super talented writers and native speakers, well, I am really not quite there. But if I compare my current writing to the one I did 10 years ago, and my English to the one I spoke 10 years ago, I progressed a BIG time.

Do not let the judging voice at the back of your head spoil your little victories. 
They can be any size you think of, they can impact no one, they can be forgotten in a little while, but they were still little challenges you rose up to - and that counts tenfold.
Be brave enough to pat yourself on the back and move away from the bully. We don't need that voice, which brings no feelings of satisfaction. It doesn't cost anything to say "Well done, I did it."
What if I told myself that I was amazing?! Not the things that I created, but ME!

I felt so energized that I dropped my bag off at the studio, and I run out to the riverwalk for some proper cardio session. Possibly my best jog in a long, long time.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Now or Never

I've been sitting at my short-story submission all evening. 
Not a story about a story within a story, all in my head, and driving me nuts - It's a fairy-tale story for a worldwide competition, and obviously, mere participation is my own victory. Every writer gets a feedback - and I'd love some! (My grammar will get smacked!) 
Funny enough, the fairy-tale turned into an allegory about You know who. Another type of completion for us. 
Or... am I just full of 'stories'??

Because of this deadline, I decided to stay at home today. 
In the afternoon while I was preparing myself to go on a lunch date with Carl, I felt totally present to all my thoughts and all the little annoyances. I tried to not make any stories about him, about myself, and what could or couldn't be possible.... just facts...
As I was walking to Carl's car, I knew that the only authentic and fair action I should've asked of myself was "Will I show him what a bitch I am NOW - or LATER?"
So I decided to go for Now. 
Not showing him, but telling him that he was wasting his time with me. I got into the car and in 5 minutes I got out. Without needing to go into details, sometimes a woman knows who the guy is for her - furthermore, who she is for him. If he's looking for someone serious, someone who's willing to dedicate lots of her free time to him, someone who's as emotionally intense as he is and who's going to nurture and care for that side of his - then I am not his woman. Not now, not ever.

Saying YES has proven to be a good thing! I would have never known what depths are to be found in certain types of men, hadn't I given Carl the chance to show me.
I was intimidated by him, but also - I am a freedom queen.
I still wonder if it's possible to love freely/loosely & be loved freely/loosely in return, all the while still feeling safe.
Safety... such a big thing for humans.
TBC




Friday, January 27, 2017

Dropping the stories

Right, my coach commanded me to drop any stories I make about events that happened, are happening, and will happen for the two following weeks. Two weeks of cutting the bullshit.

To tell the storyteller to stop strory-telling - ugh, somebody just took the life out of me. Or maybe.... he has just given me a new one.
I can't wait for what transformations this new policy might bring!

I have already dropped many stories about my mum and her relationship to me. I admit I did put her in a box as I thought I knew all about her thought process, all about her personality and all about her suffering. No, that was my story. I didn't know anything!
But apparently, I still file all my experiences into boxes with labels on them, and then I act accordingly. 
This new policy might become my new way of living.
Facts, and only facts.... 

Another example of holding on to stories: There's something really strange about the way Carl responds to my questions... I wanna hear yes or no, but he has a story. It is sometimes so long that he never gets to answer my question, because he drifts off onto another story! I'm getting frustrated.
I can see how my storytelling has been holding me back.
Ah...

I'm finding myself unable to tell you about my day, about my little breakthroughs, about my reflections... bugger. How will I keep up with this blog?
Anyway, casual dates are still lined up and I am going to report with FACTS. No stories.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Imperfection is beauty

On Australia Day one year ago, I woke up with a banging hangover as if a brick fell on my head the night before. Unfortunately, it wasn't external. My mind, body and spirit suffered due to my ex's never-ending lies and manipulation - which I wanted to wash down by means of couple of bottles of red, some port wine, binge eating, and a bathtub full of tears. A mess!
The 'old me' might have deserved to be with someone who behaved ruthless, was lying, and cheating. Not because I was the same, but because I wasn't living my life authentically. I didn't listen to my truth and I kept holding on to negative beliefs. I thought that being independently dependent on his love would miraculously save me from having to deal with myself.

Carl must be from a different planet. This guy definitely speaks a different language to the one I learned but..... it's the language of a gentleman. Everything he does is pretty much perfect.
On the previous date he charmed me by his generosity, flexibility of mind and open-heartedness.

Yesterday I was meeting him straight after a hot pilates class (showered and polished, of course), and he surprised me by having a big bottle of Evian handy the moment I sat down in his car.

Likewise, the staff at the restaurant must have been informed that I'd be starving, so immediately upon our arrival, they presented a huge plate of assorted sashimi!

To finish off the dinner and an amazing conversation (about life and nothing), he took me to the riverwalk with my favorite Brisbane skyline view. Especially one hotel that I consider a special place for many reasons shined so bright, almost as a sign that everything is happening right for my growth.

I still don't know what to think about Carl. Perhaps it's best to not think anything for the moment and just flow.. I'm planting seeds, saying yes, being open and receptive. There's nothing else I am obliged to do.
On the other hand, I can't help it, but he's scoring points at the speed of light!


Nothing is complete, nothing is finished, let's allow the light into the cracks and appreciate life for what it is. In fact, let's not adorn brokenness with any golden lacquer this time. 
Rawness, imperfection and simplicity is what is needed now.








Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Dating & Relationships

Some men don’t realize that if a woman doesn’t want to sleep with them, it doesn’t mean they are unlovable, big rejects, or there’s something wrong with them physically. My friend Trevor is a nice guy, but his past stories he holds on to make him act funny sometimes! His whole way of being around me screams “Notice me and take me to bed!” I am noticing but I am in no way taking him to my bed. Should I feel guilty?? 
I shouldn't, but I feel he misunderstands my stance and that makes me feel bad!!! 

He is attractive until he opens his mouth and starts talking about how little attention he gets from his woman at home and how demanding work is. I get it. Out of all people I know what it is like to be surrounded by people, yet still feeling alone for everything. 
But I am not abandoned and he is not abandoned. I feel loved by life and all the universal energy around me. I don’t suffer feelings of unworthiness of this divinity anymore and I don't feel lonely when I am alone - which is, like, every time I go to bed and get up ?

I don’t know why he needs to collect these proofs of lovability by sleeping with women of "high degree of difficulty", other than his partner of course. I appreciate that he is very direct with me and doesn’t hide his pride when he admits to having slept with many hot women in the past. Him and his partner have a fairly open relationship. He is not abandoned for f* sake!

Anyway, I overbooked myself with dates this week. I have another one tonight (with Carl), one tomorrow (photographer), one on Friday (client), one on Saturday (Tom) , and a brunch with a girl-friend on Sunday (hot hot Rochelle). 
This is what I call "being a YES woman". Bring it on!

Regarding the term “date”. I am adamant that date it is every time you meet someone for a chat with or without a meal. 
Trevor was surprised that during one of my monologues I casually referred to our quick lunch meeting today as a date. He caught me by the word and said that if he had known, he would have paid for my lunch. Haha, I am well aware that he didn’t!!!!!! 

Paying for a girls lunch is a beautiful courtesy from a man, in my opinion, whether they are on a romantic date, a casual date, or a friendly date. He still makes a lot more money than me. (And I could have had carrots and a protein shake at home lol)
Luckily, I felt like I wanted to treat myself. 
That being said, it could have been Trevor’s way of getting back at me for the last time I offered him just some carrots for a bite (broken fridge did not allow for much) AND when casually asked if I enjoyed sex, I said yes, I did, but that I would never ever sleep with him! 
I might have come across too abrupt that night - but hey, it was one of those days. I had enough of men trying to get inside my pants, and if he wasn’t, he just asked the wrong question!!
Very selective is my (new) stance on all this casual sleeping around. I’m waiting for something new!

What’s your take on the word “relationship"? I believe I have relationships with everything and everyone I see on a regular basis. My relationship to Trevor is a friendly and New Age thought provoking kinda one; My relationship to Jane is a supportive, loving and inspiring one; My relationship to Adam is a sexual one; M
y relationship to Tim is a relaxed, fun and mentoring one; My relationship to my coaches is a cooperative, inquisitive and loyal one. 
I am so grateful for everyone who interacts with me, inspires me, gives me courage, has me share my authenticity and gifts, and makes me yet more alive!

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Tranquility within

How do we know if we are good enough for someone?
The answer is surely not in our heads.
Ask yourself the moment you are wondering… what do you think the answer will be?

I'd like to think that if I am genuinely doing my best, I am as enough as it gets. 
If I improve, I can pat myself on the back; however, there's no guarantee that someone else would notice.

Quieting the voices in my head is a favor to myself and a gift to those around me.

We don’t necessarily have to like everything we’ve got to offer to others. The person interested in us, our services, our help or our mind is after what we've got, and we can enhance their experience by our own tranquility within. 
If we feel enough, we create that kind of space others crave, look for, and feel comfortable at. 
Stay peaceful, confident, and shine your light!


Monday, January 23, 2017

Dating

I wonder if I loose my male audience, if I decide to write another post complaining about men. I don't want that to happen!

I truly do love men and I often think that they are much more fun and all action than most women. The majority of men is so beautifully less complicated. I love their "do or don't do" mentality. There's no trying to take an action, no talking about taking it over and over with friends, nor losing their sleep by obsessing over it. It's done, or not done. Women can dream on indefinitely...
Sure, men succumb to stress, anxiety and depression just as any human beings, and then they overanalyze. Men can drive themselves crazy with workaholism or other addictions, but at the same time their actions are still pretty straight forward. Many women identify with their emotions too much and then sabotage their efforts. Hello...
So, this is my apology to you, dear men. Despite the crap that you're holding on to, and which you are reluctant to give up, I still adore you, your ways, and I love treating your masculine bodies!

My date over the weekend proved to be a different cup of tea than what I've dated so far. Well, I'm practicing saying yes... But how many times is sufficient for the success of my new motto before I blow up? I would like to acknowledge him, let's call him Carl, for persisting even though I showed him all the shit that I've got. 
It was an experiment!
I thought I would tell him everything about me and my past on the 2nd date. I would recommend that only if you are doing an experiment, don't feel like wasting your time, or you really don't care about a 3rd date.
It turned out he could handle me. Ahhh, bugger

It downed on me that it is not so important what you share on the 1st or a 2nd date. It's how you share it, and how much you're willing to open your your heart and your mind to the other person's story.
Although I sometimes think that Carl and I speak to each other in different languages, he's still quite intriguing (perhaps because I don't understand him??).
Right now I don't think he's the man I'd like to keep spending my free time with, however, he's still a lot nicer than most of the guys that I did spend my free time with. I am getting to know a different sort of men, and he seems to be a step up.. A third date is on.

May the next guy be gorgeous inside out. I might have been intimidated to date real lookers before, who knows why, but I can't do that anymore. Looks don't matter as long as the pure soul shines through, and we are compatible. Glowing people are beautiful and tend to be good friends! That's how I'll know.
I was not attracted to the average looking men for their average looks but for all the shit they carried. It felt familiar and comfortable. 
Now I'm creating someone more aware of his behavior and brave enough to be real. I'm sure I can handle if he's sexy as hell!



Sunday, January 22, 2017

Tantra & kindness heal

I just remembered that two weeks ago I replied to a guy's message :
I'll get back to you later, and I never have!!!
I guess it's too late to do it now. I should stay true to my October post and keep up the silence. (no-bullshit)

Disclaimer:

This post is in no way meant as an attack on men, their masculinity or their bodies.
Please be aware that I love men! 
Maybe too much sometimes!
However..


Treating female's bodies to Tantra massage is so much more beautiful and spiritually arousing practice for me than treating males. It brings me closer to my new-found purpose of looking after the emotional wellbeing of women and being a great role model for any disempowered women - guiding them back in touch with their sexuality.

Treating men can also be fulfilling, but not as much. 

Why? Because they carry too much shit!

You are guessing it right, the meaning is ambiguous. Men are differently built (again, ambiguous); they are trained to be tougher and keep lotta stuff to themselves - they carry so much more bottled up shit inside than women do, and I feel it while being so close to them in my massage room.

I distance myself from it, but I have to cleanse and heal my energy field afterward. Tantra is one of the best ways for men to heal on a deeper level without going under the surface of their issues using their analytical minds (it wouldn’t work anyway). 

Prostate, according to Louise Hay, relates to masculinity, and also to the man’s relationship with his father. Prostate stimulation is a great tool for releasing all that shit that has been thrown on masculinity and the father/son bond.

I feel it!

Then there’s the aspect of literal shit - I am sorry, men carry a lot more shit inside - mentally, spiritually, and physiologically! It must be biological, given their built; plus spiritual, given society's conditioning dictating what the male prototype should behave like! 


*I also hope that when my clients decide to take a real shit at my home - they have all the best intentions!


Having spoken my mind, and I always do (I know this blog is not for the faint-hearted), I am still sincerely grateful to be the facilitator and the gate opener to their male healing.
The other day I received a bisexual, or a gay client. I think so, because I've come across to few before and I curiously questioned them. However, I didn’t need to talk much to this guy. He was all open-mind and open-heart. I listened to his body, I heard things and I saw things… He was physically healthy, but something in him was starved for love.
I knew what he needed to hear at the end of his booking, and I said it. It was loving it created a tender connection.

He texted me the same words back some time later.

It's funny that masculine men have a lot of stuck energy “down there” - in the annus. The prostate holds the masculine and its issues. These men are usually happy to be treated there, because they are not afraid it could take away their heterosexuality. As if! 

Some prejudiced, pious or religiously raised men do not want to be touched on that dirty spot whatsoever, and I can see why - all the crap they hold on to would just come crashing down (metaphorically, of course).  
But regarding feminine men… they have the least mental/spiritual (and other) shit accumulated around that G-spot. Isn’t that fascinating? One would guess that their masculinity must have  “suffered” somewhere along the way, therefore, the prostate could be all ‘damaged’ and such… but in fact, it might not be so simple. It might actually be their femininity that suffers in a masculine-built body. Their 'gay' prostate doesn't seem to suffer for the lack of masculine-heterosexual energy, which the ones with the most shit misunderstand, it embodies the masculine in ways us heterosexuals probably won't ever get.
I am, myself, very impressed of what I've discovered!


Nevertheless, anything can suffer if we let it. Please do not suffer because of the nature of this post. It was meant to entertain you a little.

Again, I love men, their masculinity and their bodies!
Being kind to people no matter their sexual preferences, and being kind to oneself no matter our sex, sex drive, or sexual preference - it is what heals!


Well, I am off to search for some more women to be treated and healed!




Saturday, January 21, 2017

Online Dating Good or Bad?

Last night's dream* brings me to the idea of online dating.
I tried it here in Australia (for two weeks) and in the USA. In the US, it was quite entertaining for a while, and I think I managed to sustain one little affair which was exciting, however, I'd never felt like anything significant went on between us two - and I loved the simplicity. I used to be a commitment phobe. Ummm, is used to be the right expression?
In Australia, getting over my ex didn't get easier by browsing pictures of dozens of men I found dull-looking on e-harmonyI interacted with 2 ‘eligible’ ones, only to cancel one meeting at the last minute, and another shortly after arranging it!
I wasn’t ready to talk to date-eager males.
Maybe I believe that online dating isn't the most enjoyable - and safe - way of finding the right partner.

These days I hear people talking about actively looking for partners or flings online (Tinder and such), and actually having face to face dates as frequently as they have their coffees. So eager... but I respect that. 
On another note, I hear them talking about meeting up with all those women or men, all the while nothing serious and joyous is forming with any of the mentioned candidates.
According to R. Raye, dating is still a good thing. So *Thumbs up*

Finding relationship-worthy dates online? I am biased.
My ex and I first interacted on a travel website - the equivalent of an internet dating site for the purpose of illustrating my punch line.
We had spent 2-3 months on a virtual foreplay. I made some illusions about him already during those whats-up chats and skype calls joined with grainy/dotted videos (his outdated phone and a bad reception).
He started idolizing me back then, and I already incorporated him into my dreams and sexual fantasies.

Let's cut to the core.
The reality proved to be different. But did I see it clearly once we were already physically together? No.
Only my friend Tom helped me see that this boy was a lunatic. I had a fearful idea that he must have been, which I kept suppressing and denying.
Bottom line - would I get crazy about him, have I first seen him face to face? Have I first talked to him face to face, and only after proceeded text messaging rather than vice versa? Would I like him, have I first observed him out and about? Or conversed with him first in a pub, cafe, shop, an event and let it sink that he truly was empty, before watching silent photos of him? Would I experience any heartbreak, have I first and foremost seen him in person before starting chatting with him online?
No.
I would not fall for this guy. I wouldn't want to have him chatting me up face to face, neither pestering me virtually!

Online dating, in my opinion, robs us of an early reality check. Therefore, it sucks BIG TIME!

If I write an ad: 
Looking for an intelligent, brave, faithful man with a fun personality and good looks.... 10 chaps response to that with : Oh you are the most georgoues woman I've seen! Can I invite you for a drink around midnight?

Honestly.... I don't think you read my ad, as you most likely don't ever read at all!

I will choose spontaneous, real, personal interactions over virtual hide&seek foreplays anytime! 
If my new date blows up, maybe I shall create a poster and stick it on my back as I move about libraries, cozy cafes, organic shops, and yoga classes... hmm.


P.S: One month ago my best friend M. got married to a guy she met online.
It works for some....
Just saying.

What do you think about online dating???

I had a weird dream about my ex.
Jane and I had been discussing him that previous evening, talking about the intelligence of human bodies when it comes to finding the right or wrong mate (I promise more on that later!).

I normally don't even remember Him over the course of the day, and he rarely comes to my mind because of some external stimuli. That's a fantastic news close to our 1year break-up anniversary!
The dream had me wake up with my heart racing. It wasn't very pleasant. He laid his hand on my heart and pushed me away from him, I could actually feel my heart breaking and hurting.
The dream dictionary says that I lack love and support in life, I have some emotional turmoil, or I reject a part of myself.
It is not true for this moment. Is that a prediction for the future?

I also want to stress again - I am absolutely over that *** !
Now, I could say "fuck" or "a beautiful being". The first is not my style, and the second, ehm, is sarcasm!
So, that's why I don't get that dream.

Friday, January 20, 2017

New ways to cause Magic

The only thing I know for sure when I'm dancing is that I am alive.

If that seems somewhat questionable, as well as "I think, therefore I am" - Descartes (just why his theory got questioned is for another story!), and thus, I might be imagining things, then I guess I could be a zombie, and we all are the living dead.

Whatever.

Alive or dead, I am still a quitter. So I left the dance floor earlier tonight. I though I must start doing things differently. Now. Think outside of the box. Create new neural connections in my brain. Start taking different routes back home, eat at different times, or do different things on Friday nights! Perhaps not every single Friday but tonight I could have stayed at home, especially when feeling a little sleep deprived.

I am much happier in the body and in my fantasy world than in my serious brain. Dancing is a way to a happier state of mind. I might try dancing at home for few weeks and see what happens next. Will I get new neurons and new pathways in my brain??* 
Can I create miracles by diving deep into new realms of possibilities?

Careful, I am definitely creating something new. I am convinced that THE MOMENT WE VOICE SOMETHING OUT LOUD - IT COMES TRUE.
Something magical is at works. Watch out and join the creation process! ;)


* Hinting at Dr. Joe Dispenza's research (which I absolutely agree with).

Thursday, January 19, 2017

The YES woman

How would life look like if YES was always the default answer?
I think it would look pretty awesome!

Let me explain...
I said "yes" to jobs I didn't feel like doing, and they turned essential for my shifting towards happiness and connectedness with others; I said "yes" to social meetings that I didn't feel like attending, and they turned to be the most fun ever; I said "yes" to lovers I felt like dismissing at first because of looks, quirks, star signs, their reputation or my fear of intimacy. In fact, because of my fear of everything. Yet, the encounters went just fine.

Based on the above experiences, it shows me that acting upon my feelings, thoughts or fears would be a pretty lame way of living, which would rob me off some profound discoveries about myself, others and our needs.

How could I've ever known that I get a real buzz from intelligent men, hadn't I talked to Ralf, the attractive visiting professor?

How could I've ever known, I'd have a great sex with Adam, hadn't I given him a chance?

How could I've ever known, I'd be into empowerment and leadership, hadn't I stepped beyond my self-imposed limitations and began networking with like-minded individuals?

If I can't trust my feelings, nor my thoughts and let alone emotional states, which are just the manifestations of the earlier, then what can I trust?

I've concluded that none of us should rely on our feelings, thoughts and emotions (especially if they seem yucky) because - they change all the time! How can something so fickle guide us throughout the day? Those are not the same as intuition - the sense that you know something without a prior analyzation (you pick up the umbrella "just in case", and few hours later you are grateful for that!) 

How could I make the YES and NO battles throughout my days easier on my mind? 
By not battling against what I want.

How do we know when it is appropriate to say "yes" and when "no"? 
Intuition and kindness are our guides. 
We may ask questions like:
Do I really want to have the one-time affair or do I prefer to have a happy wife/husband?
Do I want to play available/unavailable, hot/cold, yes/no games, or do I just want to enjoy the date and have him/her in my bed while I'm still single and the physical act makes me happy?
Do I want to take risks and strive for happiness beyond my imagination, or do I want to remain small and comfortable?
If you say NO to drama or smallness, you are, in fact, saying YES to life full of love and light.

I won't say NO to life anymore when I 'feel like I should'. I believe that practicing saying YES instead could move me one step closer to what I truly want.

The bigger picture is not me creating a spiritual partnership somewhere in the future - the bigger picture is me being a happy woman NOW and forever more.
How I get there is by saying "Yes" to what life puts in front of me.
Intuition and kindness are my 'moral' guides. 
Beautifully, intuition appears without any emotion attached. I am bound to listen and say "No" if I KNOW (not feel) that that is not going to bring me what I WANT now and never.
If I just feel/think it's not going to bring me what I want - It's a fear based emotion influenced by past events or fabricated stories of the mind. My yucky feeling might be my unconscious fear of: change, stepping beyond my comfort zone, broadening horizons, new viewpoints, and perhaps even a fear of getting exactly what I want, but in a totally different package than what I thought it would arrive.

My new formula - say YES, always. Then modify and clarify the details on the go.

Dramatic speculations will always play in the background of the brain (unfortunately) to keep us on our toes, in a high stress, and state of anxiety.
I can lose hours of sleep by lying to myself.
Repeating "No - not what I want." and inventing reasons for not having, doing or being something, like a stuck record in my mind. How about just letting it go, shifting my focus to what I want to have, do, and be, ALLOWING MYSELF TO WANT IT, and THEN succumbing to that relaxation of body and peace of mind. 

Ladies and gentlemen, why lying to yourselves saying that you think/feel you know everything about yourself and your fears? Those are fabricated fears about saying YES to exciting life!
Be prepared to explore your limits...

P.S: I'm going on a new date! 
Talking about intuition... I just wanted to meet my friend in this particular shop at this particular time on this particular hot day just to buy some kale... You wouldn't believe Jane's cupid skills!
Dating many guys at once is Rori Raye's (relationship coach) advice for all the single ladies out there. Apparently, we don't have to sleep with them all (but we can).

Details to come soon.


Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Stillness

How do we know who we really are? Is it what we do, what we like to do, what we like to read, what we like to eat that makes us - if it's not the clothes that we wear? 
Unlikely...

I sometimes wonder if I'm pretending to sweat about the end results that much, or on the other hand, if I'm pretending to not care at all. Am I constantly overthinking what I'm feeling?
My feelings are not reliable - that must be why I change my mind often. 
I see that men don't think as hard as women do - contrary to popular beliefs. They ACT. And they either take action or not. Women stand in one place, feel and talk too much..

My friend Jane suggested that stagnation can be actually a good thing. When she catches it's happening... she evalutes the actions, feelings and thoughts that have led to it... and that's when she invites a new circulation in.... How beautifully poetic and smart!

In what mode can the answers come to us if we are not "allowed" to think, to feel, nor to take abrupt actions without enjoying the stagnation first?

Mmm... the answer has come to me just now.
In STILLNESS.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Invitation by Oriah

This beautiful piece of art was e-mailed to me about 3 years ago as if my super-smart friend Hannah had heard my prayers.
It resembled a sign I desperately needed. It compelled me to start focusing on self-love and leave all fears of judgment behind.
Living fearlessly is enriching on all fronts.

Enjoy...



The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know 
if you will risk 
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.


It doesn’t interest me
what planets are 
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.


I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.


I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you 
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.


It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.


I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.


I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”


It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.


It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.


It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know 
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.


I want to know
if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.




By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

Monday, January 16, 2017

Born guilty

Despite breaking all promises over the weekend, starting with seeing Adam on Friday, drinking wine on Saturday and finishing with a big time procrastination on Sunday, come Monday and I feel quite alive and back on top. 
Isn't that the only thing we can do when the past is done and over with, or everything else fails?

I do give myself some difficult promises at times though. First of all, not having an awesome no strings attached sex with someone I finally grew comfortable with?* Especially while I'm single, not looking, and keeping myself busy on all fronts? I still have to think about that one! 

Nevertheless, in order to prevent moodiness or procrastination, more than 1-2 glasses of red is not acceptable in my body, even if it's just once a week to wind down (to put a lock on the week behind). I know myself by now. But an upgrade from a drink once a month to once a week? Ah, this looks doable! 

Perhaps now that moderate drinking is allowed, I won't want to drink at all. After all, there's still a rebel inside me willing to explore the forbidden fruits, not the 'recommended allowance'. Careful, careful... Let's not introduce drugs (again)! Haha, surely, I am just messing with you!
I never meant to be a hypocrite. I see many negative effects on long-term, near-daily drinkers, and weekendly binge drinkers - their moods are a headache to me, so why should I go the same direction? Moderation is definitely the key.

Breaking promises makes me feel funny. It sneakily plays in the background of the subconscious mind. It brings on yucky feelings which I try to supress. Luckily, my self-sabotaging ways drastically diminished, so there's not much of a danger of suppressing the funniness with overly dysfunctional behavior. 
What I mean is - perhaps you too are familiar with the ways you deal with your personal failures. It could be the extra glass of alcohol, more of sugary foods or fries, overspending, or just the negative self-talk. Those ways are so common! Now I get mostly the damn unhelpful self-talk.

So, let's get 'better' at making doable and sustainable personal promises tailored to us as individuals. Sometimes we think we should be this way or that way just so we please everybody else. But - please you, you know what's best for you. You're less inclined to break what feels right to you. 
In case you fail yourself (your broken promise doesn't impact others as much as you), make a new - BETTER - promise, and as a result you won't need to feel funny about your broken integrity for too long. 
But you will do for a while. It's human. 
We are taught we are born guilty, aren't we?

I enjoy sex and I love rebelling against restrictions.
It makes me a scandalous, wild, sinful woman. I know, I own it and I deal with it! Beating myself up has just never, never worked.
:)

* It was open-hearted and absolutely not boring or predictable
Like making love to a new man than who I made him out to be!


Sunday, January 15, 2017

Saying YES and NO

Another eventful Saturday, less funny than the last one, thus, all the more fulfilling day.

The super hectic morning and rushing to the train to GC on time left me sweaty and sort of agitated.
I’ve had an irritating feeling that everybody wanted a piece of me and I always consented. My fault, isn't it?
I knew that I'd feel like some wine as soon as I'd sit down on Tom’s porch nestled in the tranquil wilderness.
That kind of a funny feeling always asks for some trouble!


Conversing, drinking a little of red and having the privilege of this ol’ Australian lad confiding in me few more stories from his life made my day. New secrets and wicked past experiences are being shared one at the time each time I visit. 
The realization that I'm being trusted is indescribably warming and it does make me feel like a million bucks.

I hold such an aversion to the closed-off Australian male mentality! Their "men are tough - do not ever cry - never confide nor share your feelings" upbringing must have not only sucked but today it is so frickin' unfair towards us, emotional women who have to put up with you, stubbornly quiet men!

Anyway, Tom is getting better with me.

Checking in with my post-wine status - hungover is not on today’s itinerary. I am not sure if I am too happy about that though - did I raise my tolerance? Should I avoid coming to see Tom when in a dangerous mood to wind down by means of alcohol? Should I just not come anywhere near people with always nicely stacked bar fridges and their frequent rituals of having evening drinks?

Maybe it is just a matter of learning to be assertive (again).
Feeling overwhelmed by the demand at work is in fact MY choice. Saying YES to tight schedules is also only MY business to manage.
I can have a guilt-free wine, or I can gulp it down with a big side dish of guilt.

When are we saying NO to drama while saying YES to aliveness and sense of wellbeing? When we go ahead and do the extra work, help others some more, have the gult-free drink, or when we don't?
I will leave that question open.

I need to revamp the website a bit, so I might not write long posts for few days while I dedicate the extra time to getting my head around this.

Love
xox





Friday, January 13, 2017

Open-hearted sex

I'm being called to write another post about sex! :)

I'd like to know if people are actively loving themselves when they make love to themselves.

There are so many kinds of orgasms one can experience alone or with a partner, it seems it depends on our momentary moods, time of the day, the weather and definitely the thoughts and feelings we evoke during the sexual act.

I masturbate often. Do I need to give reasons? No, but it relieves me of tension, stress, anxiety, in addition to satisfying the urge to enter altered consciousness. If I’m feeling really aroused by a thought, a scene I hear about, read about or imagine in my head it makes it hard walking around bursting! I would have serious problems as a man and I don’t think I’d favor tight trousers.

I’m not sure how or from whom I could have inherited this appetite, but mostly I am glad for it.

Since my 25 I practice self-discipline. I don’t have to (neither I want to) fuck every good-looking available guy out there because I know it wouldn’t necessarily feel good during or afterwards. It helps to stay sober (6 days per week with 1 day per week being just tipsy), and most of all, willing to have my heart open. 

I’ll expand on that. I notice that people are comfortable having closed-hearted sex. I belive it’s their means of protection from being truly 'penetrated'. Whether a man or a woman, we are well aware that some people can get under our skin and see us through. Scary. The tendency to feel afraid of not being accepted the way we are AS WELL AS BEING accepted the way we are operates on automatic. Fear of failure vs. fear of success, fear of hatred vs. fear of unconditional love - isn't that ridiculous? Why are we so complicated???
The underlying fear of being hurt is there even for the biggest macho guys. 
You don't have to agree with me just because I studied a bit of psychology and I slept with, observed and interviewed hundreds of men...just saying. Exactly how I did that I shall disclose perhaps some other time...

Thus, I believe that mindless, heartless fuck feels “safe” for the majority of people. But is that the reality? Does it feel safe even afterwards? No! But it takes some self-therapy to understand this weird logic.
Having your heart open while making love to someone who doesn’t have his or hers open is dangerous only if you don’t know how to work with energies. People will get to you, they will penetrate you, and they can suck you out (without actually sucking on you). Many humans don't realize how powerful the sexual energy is. When we expand it through the sex of another, part of their essence will involuntarily stay with us. 
Can we handle it? We can and we must! Getting affected by their essence is voluntary.
Until we get the magic of it, heartless fuck will seemingly feel safe and open-hearted fuck will feel dangerous. 
Again, ask yourself what it could be like in reality.

I'm choosing to stay alone till I find what I’m looking for, because my heart wants to stay open when I’m being made love to and I don't want to detoxify myself from someone's different energetic intentions…. Maybe I could do it regardless - but it’s a pity to “do” just a half-sex!

I knew my ex was making love to me with his heart upon his sleeve. He put himself on the line, emotionally raw and therefore open to getting hurt anytime.
It still doesn’t mean, however, that he was the person I should have stayed with. Sex could be the icing on the cake of a great, loving, trustworthy partnership, but not the foundation of a half-relationship with secrets.
I want to practice imagining having it all...



Thursday, January 12, 2017

The Art Of Tantra

I wonder how to learn and teach not overstepping the fine line between caring and overwhelming concern...
Whether you are a holistic practitioner, any kind of service provider, or a client benefiting from someone's services, when experiencing the latter on your own skin it is always SUFFOCATING.

Not surprisingly, the Christmas period had been so shitty on demand for my massage services. Once my phone started ringing again, someone claiming to be an expert on Tantra massage (had had it once before) gave me a negative feedback - in spite of the release of his built up energy still having looked like fireworks to me. But miracles were waiting around the corner, and I am really grateful for what I've been able to manifest this week!

Since Sunday my practice has been booked by nice and experienced (!) clients interested in the holistic side of Tantra. They eventually amazed me further with their own knowledge and background of various spiritual, wellbeing, or erotic practices. 
I had especially gratifying day yesterday when I accepted 2 clients with very refreshing perspectives on the art of treating the body, mind & spirit and where sex belonged to that. 

Can you imagine that being caressed by hands (or silk or feathers) by someone who’s authentic with you could be far more exciting than "being made love to" by someone who doesn’t truly care about you, nor is in love with you?

The art of Tantra is the getaway to your own healing by the subtle yet so powerful energies lying dormant around your pelvis area and along the spine. We can wake these up by masturbation alone, but apparently, having a caring facilitator profoundly enhances the experience. The two auras connect and shine, the energies intertwine and the collective consciousness expands. A spiritual connection is established without the need for an intercourse.
Sounds nice, doesn’t it??


What is the goal of Tantra?

Most of the feedback I get from Tantra consists of the realization that the Tantric pleasure stays with the person for hours, even days. the released energy lingers in the air as something that had been dispelled, yet acknowledged, forgiven and received gratitude for - this act energizes rather than depletes you of your life force!

Tantra masseuse doesn’t have to comprises her/himself in order to play part in someone’s pleasure.

That’s not to say that I, as the facilitator, don’t have the capacity to ever burn out.

Because I do. For any energy worker it is so important to care about own wellbeing and balance. After a full-on period, turning into flaming ashes happens with the snap of a finger.

It had happened in the past, and it has NEARLY happened fairly recently… Somewhere around the quiet period I stumbled, my clientele had changed and I felt overwhelmed by hostile energies so alien to mine. I am lifting myself up from the ground, dusting off, and picking up the pieces of me scattered around. It was a lovely fall, taught me a lot. I am actually pleased how fast and easy the comeback was! It has never taken such a short while before.

What did help me? Faith in good clients, abundance and positive energies coming around again. In fact, it was the faith that miracles were waiting around the corner. Not much else. Also, not passing my time by drinking more than once a week (preferably less than half a bottle of red).

Where is the fine line between work and a personal life? Are we allowed to bond, create close friendships or emotionally intimate (non-sexual) relationships with our clients? Is there supposed to be a fine line?

There must be some. Even though I am not tempted to sleep with my clients, we still manage to establish the above mentioned intimate relationships. And I dare to say that they are far more powerful than most sexual relationships I’ve had which were superficially based solely on intercourse. Spiritual connections are fullfilling and enlivening. Casual sex without love is as though we have no idea who the other person in bed really is and neither we care!
But even fulfilling work/career can turn into an overwhelming responsibility and a burden on the shoulders!

Sometimes I need to say goodbye to some clients not because they were passing through the town and now must leave, but because they don’t understand that there are borders and fine lines which can’t be crossed - they are not welcomed to be crossed.

My services are limited.

I won’t tolerate people willing to blur the lines between work, friendship and the possibility of a romance. I am not build for that.
It is possible to have an emotionally intimate relationship with your clients - but all parties must FEEL FREE in that spiritual connection. 
Otherwise, another burnout impends.

If I'm suffocating, please don’t bring me more flowers, don’t get me presents, don’t call me to see how I’m doing, don’t blame me for not replying asap…  e
lse my coffee table turns into my memorial!



Wednesday, January 11, 2017

The cycle of choices

Inspired by my last night’s conversation with Jane, I discovered how important it is to step beyond the fear of making the wrong choice. I already said that I believed all our choices were the right ones. 
Why is it so?

For choices always bring us towards new places, people and situations requiring additional or new choices to be made - there’s no static choice, it’s part of the cycle of life - how could life ever get this 'wrong'? 


I pick from the possible options out there one at the time. Sure, the decision should be relevant to my goals, needs, or preferences; however, oftentimes this muddles into a big puddle of confusion! 
Lose no hope. Given there is no right or wrong choice to be made, some ACTION is required just the same. If there’s no action, there’s no executing of one’s choice. The action could be anything… If I step beyond the paralyzation by fear of making the wrong choice, I shall see results later!

The most difficult part of any of my casual encounters has got to be the battle between my head and my sex.
They both want different things. My head decides that (logically) meeting someone just for a free intercourse is not in alignment with what I want to create¹ (a spiritual partnership?), but my sex is like “Ehm, what the hell, there is no other choice we want to make, not a celibacy for months again, please!"). 
So, despite my guilt (having disobeyed my logic), I chose to take the action towards sleeping with Adam again.
And then again.
Until the last time when I genuinely laughed at myself post-coitus shower and still wrapped in a towel. I could see how ridiculous the whole thing had been.
Then I lost my appetite.
My sex doesn’t want to see A. anymore, nor anyone atm for that matter.

I confess I got bored with A. Ok, I’m not finding him that boring (a little maybe); nevertheless, the situation we had created felt way too predictable. There was no space for different choices and new actions within. Boring! I am stepping out.
Why my escapist mentality likes frequent new circulation (and how enlivening that is for all people) is here.

I realize it’s all good… no matter how I decide, it will always turn out good - as long as I keep evaluating how it feels!
It goes something like this:
evaluating the situation - picking an option - owning it - acting upon it - evaluating - choosing the same or choosing different - taking an action - evaluating….
We can always make a new choice!


Happy choosing! :)


¹Jane had seen that the very first time we talked about casual sex, and yet she let me to figure it out for myself. That's what friends do!

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Magic, Nature, Words

I won't write about How to bring more MAGIC into our lives after all because - I don’t know it. I’ve been waiting for the same thing. Meanwhile, I’m doing my best having my mind and my heart open. I’m probably constantly looking for some magic, thus the need for change and manifesting something new… time to put my feet up to see if Magic turns up on its own?

One way to to experience a little dose of magic is inhaling some essential oils. I’m not joking! Sometimes I forget what a treasure I store in my drawers (and on nightstands and in kitchen cupboards). I use them a lot on my clients but I keep neglecting inhaling specific ones myself when I get various conditions - stomachache, tiredness, lack of motivation, or anxiety.

Quality essentials oils alter the consciousness fast. Additionally, they are healthier than anything else out there!

Yet, humans forget to trust in nature and its power… We tend to believe it is not “strong” enough to solve our healing needs just like paracetamol, chocolate, alcohol, coffee, cigarettes, or drugs would do.
Isn’t that a big paradox?

I belong to that category too sometimes, of course.
But I also believe that if you’ve got a cold, try brewing some garlic, ginger, lemon juice and a dash of manuka honey. Drink the concoction (chewing the goodies inside is optional), and you can ditch the paracetamol!

Mornings are great for my reflections and writing as I feel still relatively pure - unpolluted by mundane errands, people (energy vampires) or by unreal worries (there will be time for that later on).
But today I had to hold it off. I’ve interviewed someone super-interesting from a Queensland’s governmental organization regarding my community project. I've mentioned something in my previous posts (yes, it might be outrageous), however, the idea is still shaping and all the relevant actions are still too chaotic to present. If it turns out well, I will share about it!

I sense something new in the air. I can’t put a label on it just yet, but I have a feeling that working towards a new life purpose is long overdue. Have I ever had a purpose?

Although I still feel like running away (oh, big time), something about the Australian air inspires me to want to do something bigger than myself. I am still scared, and escaping in my mind, but I keep going… 
Bring on the essential oils for positivity and motivation!

In Eat Pray Love, the character of Elizabeth Gilbert played by Julia Roberts learns that each place has a word for a common intention hanging in the air over it. In Italy it is SEX, in New York it is ACHIEVE and in Sweden it is CONFORM. 
Let me tell you - in Czech Republic it is HIDE.
And I did that very well, never mind the long ceased threat of communism.

What is the word for Australia? *
I have some ideas, but I am still exploring…





*I wish that one day more people would follow me, and those who already do (and I know it is more than how many have subscribed to my newsletter) would be brave enough to comment. Some day it will happen ;)