Mess I was

I’ve been a mess the last 2 weeks… I could blame it on the coming full moon, the full moon, the receding full moon, my PMT, the lack of more frequent sex (that’s a big one), the lack of hugs and affection from others in general, or on the fact that work has been quiet; and lastly, these past few days, on the fact that upon Rowena's own suggestion - encouragement - to call Him… I unblocked his number and began communicating peace… The jerk has responded with couple of words altogether. 

He is not very generous with his communication - but if that’s just a story I’m telling myself - in reality, he’s not being authentic and honest with me. If something’s up, you don’t wanna resume communicating, just tell me off. This is a dead end road I see. I don’t know if Rowena has a game of her own, or perhaps I’m imagining things.

Why would I want to be with a man who is not there (or here) for me?

Maybe I am contradicting myself, yet again. The last couple of months I’ve been unconsciously whispering to people “Fuck off, leave me alone.”

So I’m left alone.

On a positive note, Carl is a man with his doors open. 

I was invited for a dinner last night, however, given my current funny state but open communication about my messiness we created a compromise between being social - eating out, and being isolated - grieving in my quarantine.

I got picked up and driven to Carl's place to watch a comedy. And it was really funny! I’m happy about my decision to come and sample a biodynamic red wine which tasted divine - the most delicious alcohol I've had in ages. 

I am also glad I made the move to lean into his torso while watching the TV. He’s been nothing but nice, tender and respectful to me all this time, and that was my premier of showing him some affection.

I think I should be more giving.

If I look too much into it, I still have blocks surrounding men and 'dating'. And strangely, after so much learning, I still manage to attract the cold ones, the busy ones, and the non communicative ones. If there are emotionally challenged jerks out there, rest assured that I'd pick them up. Is this about to end, God? I am doing my best to be the opposite - very authentic, transparent and communicating - as to not be a hypocrite!

Carl seems like an exception. So it mildly freaks me out. Oh, and the other day I had a morning coffee/tea with one fellow dancer, Jonathan, and it went really well. Likewise, he is a different breed than what I’m used to. We have a dinner on Wednesday night.

It seems that the more I say YES to casual dates with men I am not initially over the moon about, the higher is my perception of the possibility of a great relationship manifesting soon. Finally, I am starting to project to the outside world what I wish to see in it.

Time to finish my assignment for Marketing…