It wasn’t meant to be physical with R - I am glad that I didn't push R’s unspoken reasons for not sealing our connection on the physical plane as well as the emotional one (where we did), so I appreciated him for respecting my own boundaries - shamefully, I created those so I could keep mourning. I couldn't sleep with him because I still felt unready.
R left the country; however, I stopped dreaming about my ex. In exchange, I couldn’t stop dreaming about what could have been with R.
When that faded a bit, Adam filled most of my lonely moments and replaced them by the hands-on practicalities of a casual intercourse. It wasn’t earth-shattering, yet it was enough for what it was worth - a distraction.
When that ceased to exist as well, I couldn’t put away dealing with my demons any longer… I broke through the blues by taking responsibility for how I felt, what I longed for, and what was missing in my life… Once I fully embraced my own emptiness - the empty space that I kept for the masculine man who would 'fulfill me' - and I courageously unleashed the divine masculine that has always been there right next to my divine feminine essence, I felt united.
I reached a union within me, I felt totally satisfied with all the aspects of me, I embraced my sexuality (my masturbation rituals), I did a couple of Tantra workshops, established deeper connections with my clients and random people I came across.... and then … then another man appeared.
This time I was very close to feeling how I always wanted to feel: Raw, yet aware of the rawness; fucked up, yet accepting of the fuckedupness; vulnerable, yet comfortable in that discomfort of vulnerability; and loving - but knowing that love is not a good enough reason to lose all our senses.
That man (J) didn’t cross my path to become ‘mine’. He crossed my path to lift me up higher towards my potential. He crossed my path while possibly looking for an escape from his momentarily unhappy domestic life. I could have been his drug he didn’t get addicted to; his adventure, he couldn't sustain; his safe haven, he didn't have the time to hang out in for longer than necessary.
That man (J) didn’t cross my path to become ‘mine’. He crossed my path to lift me up higher towards my potential. He crossed my path while possibly looking for an escape from his momentarily unhappy domestic life. I could have been his drug he didn’t get addicted to; his adventure, he couldn't sustain; his safe haven, he didn't have the time to hang out in for longer than necessary.
I'm glad he found his way....
Even though I said one thing and meant another.... ("no" - but meaning "yes, stay")
I am the supposed divine master, and I am supposed to know better. I'm lovingly letting go of this bird...
Any traces of lusting after my ex are gone.
Thank you, God! It's been a rollercoaster year but I am extremely grateful for everything.
So am I healed?
"You’re never totally healed from anything, because life is hard" - Peggy Oliveira
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