Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Healing Me, healing D. #alone

I woke up just before 5am this morning. Not my longest sleep at all, but I had to do some energy work. I put my hands on my left ribs, where my spleen lies, probably. The organ has felt funny the last couple of days. I repeated an affirmation from Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life : "I alone create sweetness and joy in my life...."

Yes, my late twenties have been spent feeling quite alone - but not lonely. 
Whereas the start of my twenties had a theme of loneliness, I was rarely alone. It proves that one can feel lonely even while constantly surrounded by people - sharing flats, going to school, having a bar job etc. Now I consider myself an artistic lone wolf, preferring to recharge in the sanctuary of the apartment that I rent, alone. When working, the moment my clients leave, I am alone, I feel accomplished, and I love it! I live alone, I travel alone and I socialize so sporadically - by choice. I found my tribe at Yoga and dance classes - no place to feel lonely, then I escape back into my every night's aloneness. 

Some days, I need to fill in a section "Emergency Contact" on forms for various establishments and I think to myself.... hmmm, who could come and "save" me if I unexpectedly passed out? if I needed help? What if something happened to me at home? What if I collapsed during hot yoga or - somewhere ?
My parents are overseas, so is my sister, my longest best friends are away too, and Christine is quite old and has probably enough of health worries; Definitely no local boyfriend who wouldn't have his hands full.. Clients, maybe?
Nope, I'm alone.

While still reikiing my spleen, the latest crush, D., came to my mind. I began sending him unconditional love and acceptance. Everything is alright. He had his hands full, no time to spare to hang out with a girl, worrying about her past jealousy issues possibly manifesting in the future, no time to tell about his travel plans... it would be too much of a burden. Whatever has happened to him in the past that has compelled him to write me such a shit text, he hasn't healed from. Maybe one day he'll see that the assumptions he described in that text where not even about me, but rather about the world which demanded his full attention and where he felt misunderstood.
Well, till the time of his awakening comes, I can only wish him all the best and send as much love as he needs, for he withholds his from others.
Hey, we've all been there!




"Deep at the center of my being there is an infinite well of Love..."
- Louise Hay


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Short Romance Farewell #rejection #jealousy

Thank you, D., for being so upfront with me. Maybe not up up up upfront, but still early enough to prevent my heart from breaking. It cracked a little - ok (some rose quartz crystals fixed it right back).
Not telling me right away that you were a commitmentphobe must have been because you were just exploring the territory before making some radical conclusions about our compatibility - which you did in the end.
Thank you for giving me an insight into your unique Aquarian soul, for expanding my compassion, and for opening my mind to new points of perception.

I have never felt more empowered as a woman who has worked in the sex business for several years and a current sexual counsellor as when getting deeper into our discussions about life. I felt the most comfortable ever talking about all the aspects of myself in front of you - no man has managed to made me feel this proud, powerful and understood before. You made me see that I can wear that past label as a pride. I knew it, somewhat, but you were a living proof that there were men out there not threatened by my past, men who were fascinated by it and not discouraged to date me in the slightest. But then something came across your mind one morning. Maybe an alcohol induced haze prompted you to ‘think’ more, rather than ‘feel’ and take risks more….. risks of getting disappointed, maybe even rejected by me at some point?

On the other hand, you knew what you wanted. A very, very liberal woman. I should have known that your statement “Making love to the same person every night is like having the same hot dinner every night" was probably a good indicator that we, indeed, had very different views on relationships. 

Nevertheless - it got me thinking. Could I stand to have the same dinner every night? Would I be able to stay faithful to the same guy every day for the rest of our lives?
Now I know - it's yes. I love freedom just as much as you, or anyone, however, I don’t believe that we, complex human beings of thousand faces which are sometimes undiscoverable still several years down the road (e.g. marriages breaking after 20 years together), can be compared to a food….
Yet, I didn’t make any conclusions about you….

You kept on repeating that you never get jealous….. ok. Good on you. Did I have problems with my own jealousy in the past? Yes, big time. I did not give you any ounce of jealousy at the present, so I can't see why exactly you pulled out. Fear?

It took me nearly one year to get over my ex’s affair which I took not only as violation of trust but also, primarily, as an evidence that I was not good enough and most likely unlovable. It took one year of deep soul searching, healing and heart opening to actually discover that those beliefs were not true. I rose to my potential of giving unconditional love, not expecting it back, and forgiving pretty much anything.
Mmmm..

Does it mean that I cannot get jealous ever again, especially if I felt that my self-esteem was threatened by you leaving me behind?> No. I can’t predict that! But my jealousy would be healthy, it wouldn’t be self-destructively used against me, and it wouldn’t compromise you in any way - if not help boost your ego to jump out of the roof. (I still occasionally sleep with a de-facto married man - how less 'unjealous' can that get??)
D., you may not realize that there are plenty of men queuing for my giving enough of a fuck to get jealous over them.

In my opinion, jealousy is alright, if acknowledged and dealt with in mature ways. It’s an automatic human reaction to a perceived threat of rejection or abandonment - humans are not robots.
But maybe you are.

Thank you for doing me the favor and breaking it off before I could have gotten attached to you - Making out with you was lovely. 
Though, I’ll never know if the sex would keep me hooked, for you didn’t even get the juices flowing… 😳

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Life choices

“To choose our partners wisely, we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.”
- The School Of Life


Warning: This post contains few swear words.


Last night after 5rhythms class I had a drink and chat with Carl, the guy I met in an organic grocery store who kept chasing me since November (until yesterday).

As soon as I agreed to the date I regretted it. I knew he was going to market his husband&father aspirations to me yet again. However, the dance made me super relaxed and so much in touch with myself and in love with myself, I consented to see a human being who was in need of a company, planning to just listen to him. I intended to see him for who he was, without judging, and preparing my replies or opinions. Carl loves to talk anyway, so it was my chance to listen and just be there.
The non-judment part was so hard!

I saw for the first time that under the facade of “I am perfect, I don’t need anything, and I could take care of you” there was a little scared boy who wanted to follow the script, not make mistakes, latch onto a woman, be put on a pedestal and have all his needs met. Of course we all want the last part - or at least - be loved unconditionally. But too much theory about how that's done proves to be useless in the real world.

Only yesterday I realized how much poison he had been feeding me over the past 6 months. Carl has a special way of making me feel inadequate, like I need help, as I am so lost without the right man saving me. (let me guess - him?)

Last night’s dance opened my channels to the divine, and I knew that I wouldn’t be saved by him in a million years.
I would fuckin’ die.

Once again I was sure that it was better to be alone than be unhappy with someone so needy.
I stuck around because I thought that he was the rational man my parents would have loved me to have. I was hoping the fascination by his analytical mind would turn into love and a desire to care for him.

I couldn't have been more off. I cannot believe how many times I felt bad after our dates, his monologues. I thought it was because I must have been dysfunctional after all and I needed this man to tempt me for ‘better days’ if only I settled.

Dancing is my life. I should come back to this practice every Friday again - as I need to feel that I am a powerful woman capable of both grounding and setting myself free. No man should make me feel otherwise.
I hate to think how many women are staying with their men for all the wrong reasons.

Now I have to remind myself of COMPASSION.... COMPASSION…COMPASSION
Human action is either love, or call for love (Marianne Williamson)
Additionally, this is just my perception. Carl is definitely some girl’s dream dude!
God bless this motherfucker. <Smiley emoticon>
***
I won't write about the new guy much yet, as it’s early days to tell what kind of a person he really is, but I am getting a sense of the role he plays in my life. He crossed my path to remind me that worthiness is an inside job, I must wear my deepest truths upon my sleeve and know that I can be approved of by a human being and actually FEEL it too (as I do with God). I’m amazed how positively charged I'm still feeling since we kissed goodbye 8 hours ago.

The lovely dates with him are getting longer and longer. Who would have thought that we meet at 10am at the markets and leave West End after 3pm.
These dates are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. They’re mix of revolutionary ideas, some atheistic truths (as the one above from Alain de Bottom) and the bliss of embracing a little of anarchy in one’s personal life.

It feels so good to feel accepted completely, all the aspects of me, as opposed to just hear the words of acceptance - I’ve been there before. Some people call themselves loving and open-minded until they’re not. They nonchalantly accept one's life choices and generously give a form of absolution (As if one did something outrageously wrong), but you don't actually FEEL it.
 - thank you, I'll politely decline this favor!

I believe that people always do their best. It might not be right according to the society's norm, but if it feels right in the gut, then it's most likely the right life choice for YOUR life.

I know that I can be intimidating, loud, inappropriate and crazy sometimes. But at least I don’t claim that I have the manual for life.
On the other hand, Carl would probably find one in his pocket...



Thursday, June 8, 2017

Boundaries, Ego And Shame

This video was so good! Teal never ceases to surprise me.

It is true that sometimes I feel bad for setting boundaries with other people. Whether they're relatives, clients, lovers or passersby, I feel I should be ashamed for feeling confident enough to even have boundaries.

How not to make the other person feel bad about themselves when stating what I am comfortable with and what I am not ok with?

It's a vicious cycle. Feeling rejected is a natural human reaction to something desirable being denied to them. Then they may deflect their shame on others just because they do not want to face their fear of not being good enough.
It is an allusion, of course.

Again, it seems that the biggest, deepest fears the ego holds are fears of rejection and fears of not being good enough. That false suspicion makes us walk around under a veil of shame. Nevertheless, the ego finds ways to mask those feelings of inadequacy - irrational arguments for example.

In order to make human relationships work, that shame needs to be expressed in healthy ways during communication. The tendency to feeling ashamed must be accepted as part of our vulnerability in this world.
We are in this world, but we are not of it.

I highly recommend all Teal's videos.


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Tantra on me II - releasing old flames

Walter, a friend from Sydney who learned the art of Tantra after I had initiated him in December keeps surprising me ever since.

We went for a run along the river outlining Brisbane's CBD, ate a delicious dinner, and after that I got pampered to the best Tantric experience with him so far. I’ve only written about my first experience some time in February as it was quite intense: a tingling orgasm, some visions, and lots of internal tension came to the surface to be released. The other two or three Tantra massages he gave me in the following months were also special, yet the final releases quite ordinary. Once, before the detox program - I slept through the entire massage as I had overdone the wine during the dinner. Luckily, I know Walter quite well by now, I trust him and I never worry that he would take advantage of me just lying there (drunk).

P.S: Yeah, please, do not drink alcohol before having a Tantra massage - as nothing happens then.

Last night I felt quite tired (and I had actually someone new on my mind! psst), so I decided that I would just enjoy the touch, the coconut oil gliding along my body, the sensual music, but not really pay attention to my breath… I didn’t want to try to direct the breath towards climax, I needed only an utter relaxation.

However, my body showed me its 'muscle memory' once more. In the end it had me breathing deeply exactly as what Margot Anand describes “riding the wave of bliss”, which to my surprise finally became a second nature to me. No effort to breathe that way anymore.

I kept breathing, feeling the fiery energy warming up my spine, inviting the energy all the way up to my crown chakra and really being aware of the pelvic area as the seat of arousal and relaxation at the same time. Something wanted to be released. It was so funny, I knew that it was J’s energy! It had me laughing - out loud! 

The old part of me wanted to keep it, conserve it, store it…but the part that was momentarily being healed by Tantra had me expel it, along with a cute little orgasm that had me giggling. 
Walter, also smiling, couldn't understand my giggles, so when I came down I explained that a perceived painful memory had been totally transformed into something hilarious, and then it left my body. 
I kept it to myself that it was J leaving it energetically!

I experienced similar release of old lovers in the past as well. It was in the beautiful Byron Bay few months prior where I released Adam during a Craniosacral therapy with Christine. 
(definitely no nudity)
I released Gilbert through Reiki with Lisa in 2009 or 2010, and Russel during my very first remedial massage. He got me the voucher from a gym he worked at few weeks prior to my breaking up with him. When I finally came to use it, already as a single girl, I cried uncontrollably under the lady's hands. 

It was a deep tissue massage :/

How did I cleanse myself after years of sleeping with unconscious men [unconsciously]? I reconnected to my heart, woke up my first 3 chakras from a deep sleep, and claimed myself from the waist down once more.

Smudging with white sage is also brilliant, as well as crystals and of course… my dear 5rhythms helped me spring my body to its happy, full potential.
Dance, dance, dance!

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Saying NO to 'free' sex

I had an opportunity to go on a short trip with J. It was not only tempting to see another city in Australia but, of course, to see J’s body again and let him explore mine.
Since he came back we've only seen each other for occasional lunch dates. No sex.

That boy has everything.

He has good looks, he’s smart and a lotta fun… then he comes home to his beautiful family that he decided to fight for... 

Till today he reminds me that my wisdom and selfless understanding inspired him to it!  
Only J can be committed to his family while still trying to tempt me under his hot body in such an innocent manner that one cannot be mad at him, judge or blame him!! 

Being out of denial ever since ‘the out of sight out of mind’ long business trip of his, where I reconnected with what I really desired, I can clearly see that coming onto this trip with him would have only killed me.

It would add to his “everything” the extra icing on the cake in the form of an amazing free sex with a crazy vixen (as I am).

Thank God I can see how much I’ve learned from my past life and how much I’ve grown.

Sex shouldn’t be given freely if the inevitable payoff is feeling worse than before the act happened. Yes, I would enjoy having him fuck my brains out for 2 days, no doubt... I would even lose weight as I know I get a suppressed appetite when I'm giddy ...and then?

Then I would spend 2 weeks getting over the fact that it was just 2 days, and the side effects of coming back down to Earth include depression, alcohol and sugar cravings, and blindness towards happier romantic opportunities. I know all that by now and finally I behave appropriately to my own wisdom!

This is a warning to those in similar situations - don’t think you must be a slave to your body. Your body has intelligence of its own - and that is perfectly fine - use it for diagnosing your aches and pains as possible psychosomatic symptoms of your unprocessed emotions.  

If the body just lay there and received a physical pleasure, it would enjoy it - no need to feel guilty as the body is meant to enjoy it! What I’m trying to demonstrate is that the body will not put itself on a plane, fly itself into your lover’s bed and spread its legs without you making the decision to do it. *

So decide otherwise, if you know that the consequences are not in alignment with your highest aspirations. In my case - being abandoned shortly after the trip - is not at all my happiest vision for myself!

Also… my endless escaping…. maybe I’m finally learning to stay. Even when my mind frequently wonders to Bali (where I experienced some powerful healing in the past), and lately it goes back to the Czech Republic, where life could be so easy for me, somehow I know that THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.  Maybe I must stick around here, where it hurts, and resolve the messy, unfinished business around dating once and for all.

Side note:
I've gone to the church tonight after a long absence. It's heart-warming to be part of a community that works on recognizing when the ego steps in!
Selfless, concerned about others, humble and grateful is the way to happiness.


* Regarding the intelligence of your body and making conscious decisions:
If you were taken advantage of - it was not your decision to make. If the body responded - that was completely human and natural. The way I see it, the person who took advantage of you should have been prosecuted or shown a conscious way to treat human beings.
A very sensitive topic.