Rowena told me that both Him and I tend to overthink stuff rather than plunging into the unknown…
Yes, when I spend too much time in my head it is an indication of my lack of trust in life unfolding exactly as it should without my pushing it. Once I release the grip and surrender, not only my tense shoulders drop an inch but I discover freedom in that surrender. Just breathe….
It was a lovely trip down to NSW. I loved chilling with Rowena in her home next to a forest, surrounded by a river - the location looks unreal. What a perfect place to raise a family! I absolutely adore her children too and she is a great mum.
While inhaling the fresh air behind Rowena’s backyard, the memory of familiar shivers of passion and fleet of butterflies down my stomach when I'd seen him that day made me believe that I wanted a family with him. Yes, that strong is my ever-inexplicable attraction towards him. Plus, he looked better than what I remembered.
It was a planned visit by the way, He knew, but when he stepped into the shop’s kitchen where I was in the middle of a catch up with Jane, it was a mild shock for both. Rowena assessed his response to seeing me as falling into a lala land…
In the end, being happy, grateful, and spreading that awareness ended up as the most important part of detoxifying myself.
Nothing else matters.
So... I drunk a bit of red wine with Rowena one evening because - because I could. And I did it without feelings of sadness, shame or guilt (or hungover the next day)
We were like two best friends. Except for some spontaneous passionate kissing, however, not during our casual hot bath together… it was the strangest thing I’ve ever done with a past lover! - Just chilling and chatting away next to each other’s naked bodies. He must have been using talking as a way of distracting himself from feeling his emotions… he couldn’t shut up. It was quite cute though! I had let him stay in his head up until I gave him an improvised Tantra massage. After all, it was long overdue since I gave him a voucher for Christmas 18 months prior, only to tear it to pieces in an angry fit few days later!! Haha. This time he didn’t need to be ‘good’ to deserve it.
I still love him. There is no doubt that he loves me too, but we are friends, not partners, neither fuckbuddies. Karmic soulmates are meant to be broken, learn from one another, and then let each other be. We talked about wanting kids, but neither of us mentioned that we were ready and that the person in front of our eyes was the one to father/mother them.
How vulnerable it is to be a human being!
Him and I are two good souls from broken homes, scared of commitment.
Nice to know that my little sexual escapades in Brisbane don't mean a fuck in the bigger scheme of things.
Definitely no commitments, right, you commitment-phobes and unavailable men over there? I'm a bit sick of men willing to commit only to fucking me, infrequently, and to top it off - not even lovingly enough (why was D. so rough???)
How to be fearless, having only positive expectations, loving, and creating a worthwhile, joyous life on Earth for myself, my family, my friends, and all the people who are willing to believe in me...?
I am ready.
Ready for a 'Freedom in commitment'.( sounds like the most effectively versed prayer than anything I've ever granted myself a permission to wish for.)
This trip was the perfect opportunity for forgiving each other. Now life goes on again.
Some random thoughts:
As I was going crazy at the thought that He was always so scared of things going wrong, questioning his skepticism in my mind, I realized it had been ME feeling afraid all along.
Rejection - a chain reaction?
What is it like to be completely ego-less?
The world is a reflection of how much we love&trust ourselves.