Friday, January 26, 2018

Periods and blossoming

Let’s create some meaningful changes, shall we?

The time leading up to a woman's period is a blessing of heightened intuition, easier self-reflection, and emotions giving us signals to change and evolve.

The body is preparing to shed its old lining via menstrual blood gushing through the vagina, cleansing whatever has accumulated physically and metaphysically. Emotions can flood us, women, and remind us that something doesn’t serve us anymore. Ah, the hormones can be all over the place! But only if we've forgotten to listen along the way.

From my own observation, if my life seems fairly smooth-sailing, my diet is how I like it (nearly vegan, gluten and sugar free), I feel somewhat financially secure and connected to others by regular catch ups or other routines (attending school, going to the gym), I hardly notice my period is coming and I don’t even experience menstrual pains. 

If, however, my regime is off balance, I travel, feel mildly disconnected, meet assholes at work, don't watch my spending, and I eat whatever, I turn into a monster and getting closer to my period feels like a nightmare - for everyone near me! In that case, dealing with that female ordeal hurts - on a physical and emotional level, too.

Can you see the message?

How can we love ourselves better?
That question should be on our minds every morning - whether on period or not, men included.

For if we detour from self-love - we focus on others' needs before ours, if we worry about the future, hate our lives, work, routines and as a result become disliking ourselves to the core - that is a recipe for miserable days.

There are signs...

I suspect my period on Monday as I've already been feeling like killing people or sabotaging myself for the past couple of days.

I disregarded my intuition last night about a gathering that I didn’t want to go to, but I did. It exhausted me so much that I slept for 9 hours straight, and that hardly ever happens. Too many strangers to answer their shit questions to. Why did I go??

This afternoon I found myself despising my male client before he even stepped through the door. I recognized his energy over the phone. I knew he was a good man but so frickin' unconscious.
I felt too dizzy to even talk (that wasn’t a hangover since I only had one drink the night before); the sensitivity towards one's thoughts was overwhelming. I heard my words as he would - spiritual mambo jumbo. I didn't see the point of going ahead with the session, but then I took a deep breath and transited back into my own skin again. The girl who believed in her values, wanted to make a difference in the world, but struggled to see how
Is this the way?
Perhaps not.
Perhaps sometimes it is.

Sometimes, I love what I do. I see how I heal and how people transform and blossom. Some days, I feel I could do more. Some days, I know I could do more.

So this is it. The lunar time when even if I don’t know - my brain can’t provide the answers - MY BODY knows. My body tells me - let’s move on. This thing has run its course. You’re over it. You can do better, and you WILL do better.
Our female monthly anxiety can have unacknowledged but solid grounds.

I want to see more of blossomed people. I want to take my healing to another level. I've been afraid, but I'm ready. 
Taking the first step is often the hardest, isn't it?
When will I... ?







Saturday, January 20, 2018

Man-free never felt better

I avoided him like the plague...

Soon it won’t be called “a visit of our mutual friend, Rowena and her family near his town”. It will be simply: “visiting Rowena and her adorable family.”

I had so much fun with Rowena and her kids. I connect with them and I dare to say - they love me by now.

I avoided the southern suburb of the town. The farm, the shop... his ‘estate’.

No need to see him, reminisce, or accidentally bump into him and stammer. Apparently, he seemed offended that I didn't make the effort to stop by this time. I couldn't. I am single, our past connection fatally marked me, false promises made the concept of love seem like a joke, disillusionment crushed me, and now I am ready to start seeing possibilities for a rebirth. Why would I take a step back, even if just temporarily? Complete celibacy does work for me.
I know what I need and two years into our split - I see that he still wouldn't deliver. As I'm untangling, I feel gratitude for everything that happened.
Next time I won’t cry on the train when leaving either.

Current stop - Gold Coast
In a few days - Byron Bay
Final stop - Melbourne 
Then home sweet home - Darwin

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Wind and Sea

I am ready - I am not ready - I am ready
The story of my life.

Many of the men I’ve met on my life journey actually wanted a commitment. It was but me who hesitated. Now I am in THE TOWN (his town)! The local charm sucks me in, the human idiocy makes me drop my jaw in disbelief.

I’ve changed, why hasn’t it over here?

But then… I turn to appreciate the beauty of nature. NSW is beautiful and especially these parts remind me of the forests, meadows and mountains in the Czech Republic. The landscape is so fresh and crisp and it’s calling me to explore it. I love longingly staring into the distant wilderness.

The wind gave me a super blow-dry today. I wasn’t complaining though. Thank God for oxygen. But it did blow me off of the path a few steps, and instead of the pavement I involuntarily headed towards the beach. There it was even windier, obviously!

I nearly suffocated by that much air in a single sweep. Sounds like a paradox - however, the wind in my face felt like a plastic bag over my head.
No one was swimming in the stormy sea, but all of us present walking on the beach in the dawn no doubt felt its salty kiss. 
The raw weather seemed rather magnificent. 
The wind carried droplets of water and grains of the shore far into the bushes. The sand swirled around me and stung my eyes before brushing over my hair. I played a part in this orchestra. 
I kept breathing and feeling absolutely connected to nature, its untamed elements, and once again I experienced such gratitude for living in Australia and having my earliest memories connected to this magical place.

I don’t miss him. But what we had was good…

I should probably avoid him this time.

However, I am ready.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Self-acceptance

The truth is: I enjoy a glass of wine every once in a while.
Doing so - could be the part of 'I' who is not yet where she wants to be.
However, it could also be the 'I' who is at peace and eternally grateful for where she is at now.

If I relax into the feeling that life is worth living and that I am absolutely, perfectly in sync, wine enhances my contentment and I sleep like a baby. What's even better, I am driven to hit the gym the next day, actually WORKOUT, and feel like a functional human being as a result.
I am back on.
Still no peanut butter, but I did have some peanuts. Not a lot, and I do not see peanuts as my best friends anymore, but I sooo enjoyed the crunchiness.
I feel healthy and I'm still loving Adelaide and the local vibe.
I'm doing a tour in McLaren Vale tomorrow with a client of mine and an Estonian friend from Darwin. I'm excited and super-confident that wine-tasting won't be overdone and won't mess up with my detox program. I feel proud of my progress and pumped to take my self-control to new challenging heights!

Out of the blue... I re-watched a childhood movie today. I searched for the "Modern Family" on Netflix (since THE BEST tv-show ever: Brooklyn 9-9 fifth season isn't accessible yet), but "Parent's Trap" popped up instead.
My God, isn't that the best family film ever?
I cried so much; I felt touched, relieved, healed, joyful, grateful, and in love with young Lindsay Lohan.
Parent's Trap must be the nicest movie of my youth. By the way, I initially played it just so I could find the bit where they eat Oreos with peanut butter. I couldn't stop after I watched the little girls' bonding! I fell right into it. Two sisters reunited, instantly connecting, learning from one another, and plotting to get their parents back together. I turned into a weeping little mess. 

The storyline made me miss my younger sister and perhaps grieve over what my parents will never experience. It woke up a yearning for childhood innocence and the comfort of being - a child. It is hard to believe that I have once been protected by adults, looked after at all costs, and had no responsibilities. 
I questioned myself: where is home now?
And - does it matter? (See quotes from Maya Angelou and Brene Brown bellow)
I sobbed and at the same time, I felt a little more complete.
I used to long for home ... Now I know it is within, and ultimately - with God.
I have the courage to stand alone in the wilderness, and/or embrace my vulnerability and uniqueness around others.
Hello, self-acceptance.






Monday, January 8, 2018

Centering, letting go of excess weight and bad habits

- Day 7 of my sober adventure
- Day 6 of withdrawing from a peanut butter addiction
- About 2 months since the last loveless love-making

I am going to cleanse all January at least.
(However, I'm pretty sure I had a beer around 1am on New Year. No regrets - what a nice boogie to welcome the new year with my friends!)

About the addictions:
When in the supermarket and my gaze falls on the shelves of spreads, my eyes instantly blur and my head spins as I think: Oh, I can’t have you... you bad, bad boys….
I am still weak. If I bought a jar and meant to ration the load into small doses every day, or ideally, every few days, I would undoubtedly fail. A spoon after spoon until the creamy thing disappears. That’s how bad used to be my peanut butter addiction :( .
Back then I convinced myself that heaps of peanut butter were good for me (healthy vitamin E, filling fat, and vegan protein) thus,
I turned a blind eye to how much my belly suffered until it popped out like a pregnant bump - an undeniable cause of inflammation! Because the mind is directly connected to the gut health, I clearly wasn’t happy.

This year, I'd like to exercise self-control along with delaying immediate gratification. I already feel quite empowered!

While living in Darwin, I also found myself drinking way too often. It makes me feel sick recalling the amounts of alcohol passing through my body. Nearly every evening I had a glass of wine or two or sometimes close enough to a bottle. all alone. at home. 'a treat' after work.

Frankly, I felt like having a glass of wine this week, too. I love the rich taste of red grapes, the sweetness of plums and berries and chocolatey aroma… but I don't act on the false premise. I have my whole life to drink wine - once I am strong enough to stick with the right amount and use it to celebrate - not to feel creative, drown in frustrations or tranquilize myself. These days it is important to focus but I can’t do that if I am at the mercy of a substance.

Since I started detoxing in Adelaide, I realized that this is the life I’ve always wanted to live - eating clean food, feeling free in body, mind and spirit, staying sober and clear, and consciously deciding not to give in to things promising a quick-fix. I'm looking for long-term solutions for my wellbeing. Yes, I still get sulky and fearful but I know that wine, peanuts or sex wouldn’t fix it.

It intrigues me how certain habits and substances keep us trapped in negativity. Why do we give so much power to something that is outside of ourselves? Maybe we feel small and helpless to cope with life's ordeals without the help of stimulants, tranquilizers, retail therapies or casual sex... 
(Please, please, tell me this is not just about me.)

I take any present negative emotions as part of the withdrawal process/program. Something important is happening right now as new ideas are taking place of the old delusional ones (which were created by alcohol tricking my mind and toxic byproducts of too much food that I didn't need and I couldn't digest).


Relaxing is best done by remembering to breathe and making the time for sitting in a quiet contemplation. Taking control over my food habits and being stronger than the desire to drink naturally go hand in hand with exercising self-control over superficial affairs. I am not at all compelled to look for a man to fill a void, comfort me, entertain me or save me. I'm feeling better about myself each day. Additionaly, I know I won’t die alone and my single days are numbered. The right guy is going to find me when I'm living my life with purpose and clarity.
(He will, of course, have to accept my gypsy soul - a little crazy, unstable, and at home on the road. In turn, I promise to never complain that work comes first. If there was anything I learned from my previous relationships, that was it.)

I have a problem, I’m not sure if I want to come back to Darwin. I am tied to it because of visa regulations and commitments to my studies. This dilemma sucks. It makes my heart sink. I’ve felt trapped the last couple of months, but I have to keep my eyes on the horizon and plan the future. I love Australia, It feels like home, my ‘cup of tea”, my blood type, my dreamland (my native country never felt like that). I  feel like I belong and I shall not screw my stay in here.

Nevertheless, Darwin’s lifestyle exhausts me. The heat, the people, the school, and the long hours at work doing the same monotonous tasks. Fascinatingly, I found myself over-exercising in the last 2-3 months and also over-eating. At the moment I am unable to do either. 

Although the most exercise I do in Adelaide is walking up and down the stairs in this airbnb house in Unley, I am relaxed and still shedding weight. I miss feeling fit though. Ralf suggested planks - I'll give it a shot! To borrow his own description of himself - there’s definitely a fat girl living in this body who wants to eat everything at all times, watch netflix all day, not move, then sleep and become skinny in the process.
Self-discipline is key! Let's pray for it.


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