A healing #metoo exchange with Mark

Mark O'Brien is the editor of Byron Body Soul Guide. 

He believes that the #metoo phenomenon can change the world in a way feminism could never do.

Mark wrote an article where he largely focused on the impact of sexual harassment in the media world, where women are as much to blame as men. O'Brien tried to separate the world of show-business where women play as hard as men to rise to fame by means of their sex appeal, from the world where non-consensual sex was a crime.
It triggered something within me.
I felt too angry not to react and keep that fire within.
I thought he was an asshole, I'm sorry, for narrowing down the #metoo floodings to power games.

The last paragraph where it seems that he suggests to compartmentalize the unspoken taboos so we keep sex playful and the Latinos happy (his line: "What would Latinos do?" was edited in the online version) drove me nuts.

Of course, the real deal lied somewhere else... To my surprise, a long overdue healing has started to take its place. 

I've been righteous about staying pissed at men all my life. It's time to crack this case!
You may get a good idea from our brief exchange. (Btw. It is very humbling to post it all here and expose my weaknesses, hidden wounds and ego, oh the ego...)

Me:
I apologize for any mistakes, I am a foreigner and English is not my first language, but I need to express my concerns.To start, I see your point, Mark O’Brien. Many of your examples were about the abuse of power from men and women alike. I, too, was once one of the women very much aware of her power over men, and thus – without even needing to go as far – I got what I wanted. I changed because I grew up spiritually. Not because I wanted to keep sex “playful”.Too many of #metoo were painfully sad cases of actual rape, if you didn’t know that. So many of my friends admitted to having been abused as children- how could a child abuse its power – In this way??I’m sorry, Mark O’Brien, that you so skilfully avoid feeling the collective grief. You are probably the type of man who uses women in bed to feel better about himself. You sure have lived in Australia for too long so now you nicely fit into the stereotypical model of a zero emotionally intelligent Aussie bloke in denial of deep emotions. Not all emotions feel great, of course.I dislike your article for your taking it so lightheartedly. It is safely narrowed down to one thing, which doesn’t even matter. What kind of a research have you done? It doesn’t seem very thoughtful.We all suffer and by allowing ourselves to grieve we unite. Only then we can educate the current children and teens and strive to prevent further abuse.Good luck

My private e-mail less than 24 hours later:
Dear Mark O’Brien,I wrote an online comment on your article: Sexual abuse as abuse of power.I admit I must have misinterpreted your message and reacted too quickly to my perceived injustice.
Having finished reading the whole Byron body soul guide, and reading your Greetings message, I understand that you see the #metoo issue from other angles too.
As a sex therapist and a great empath, I have been flooded with many broken hearts lately and I forgot to ground myself and patch the holes in my leaking boundaries.
Sometimes it’s hard to know where I end and my clients begin.I saw you as a ‘perpetrator’ without even knowing you. I had a quiet word with myself then. My portrayal of you wasn’t quite right.Please accept my apology. You may remove my comments - I would have done myself it if I knew how.I did enjoy the Byron Bay guide. All the best with it.Sincerely,Pavlina

Mark:Hi Pavlina, thanks for your comment. I do not feel I am taking this light heartedly – indeed I believe metoo is really important but in order for it to change the world like I feel it can, I feel some elements need to be defined and removed from the conversation, to un’muddy’ the conversation, like what you talk about, using sex to get power because every man knows this and will use it to not take women’s trauma and #metoo seriously. My intention is to take that argument away from men.Women all over the world have been traumatised, in all cultures, though one that particularly stands out is in the old eastern bloc. I am a bit of a novice personally re ‘eastern bloc’ women having never had a girlfriend from there, but I can see a ruthlessness and toughness, as well as a powerful self respect and beauty.Actually I do not see myself at all as the ‘stereotypical model of a zero emotionally intelligent Aussie bloke in denial of deep emotions’ and for you to say that I am is another metoo moment – you are not ‘seeing’ who I am anymore than you think I am seeing your or other women’s situation.My point was to address the abuse of power issue then the sex abuse does not exist. Sex abuse is ultimately about power, as rape is about power, not sex. If, and it is a big ‘if’, we can understand that sex abuse is not about sex, and collectively get over our need to subjugate someone else then maybe serious inroads can be made to freeing women from this trauma. One of my fave songs for decades is ‘Woman in Chains’ by Tears for Fears.I also feel that anything anyone says about #metoo is incomplete, especially coming from a man, but IF men can listen to me in a way they cannot hear a women then I have done my job.I encourage you to read the three articles linked as pdfs which I commissioned from three women therapist friends of mine for other viewpoints, and also the other articles that are linked there too.#metoo is massive, huge, and I have written this to get people discussing, and maybe even open old unhealed wounds such as what is apparently happening with you.I am glad this article hit something in you that made you write to me – this is part of your healing too. Thank you for sharing.

Mark's private e-mail:
Hi Pavlina
Thank you so much for what you say here and also online. I fixed up your typos (just a couple, not such bad English!) and published your comment, as well as my response to it. You might like to have a look at it - for sure you are not the only women to have these feelings, and so I left it there, along with my response, for other women to read. I felt it to be beautiful how you shared your heart. 

I love that you take responsibility here, you express that beautifully, brought tear to my eye to read it - lovely.
I do not want to remove your comment - not at all. I hope you are OK with my leaving it there, and my response. While there was some projection there I also feel your sincerity and your owning of stuff. You can write another comment if you like. 

I am a guy writing about #metoo - of course I will be projected on, and wounds will open and pain will flow. I expect that, and it is some way I can contribute towards #metoo. It is a really delicate subject and I knew it might blow up on me if I wrote how I felt. I want men talking about it, among themselves, and that was happening after the mag was published. Awesome. 

Hahaha, I love the ‘quiet word with yourself’, 'patching holes in your leaky boundaries’ - you have wonderful language.Thank you for all of this, it has been a pleasure to have this interaction with you, I feel honoured. 

If you feel like you’d like to write your own piece about #metoo and have it on my site, you are most welcome. There is no budget for payment (for me either!) other than making contribution.
I am glad you like my magazine, maybe next year you can take out an ad! lol
Lovely to meet you Pavlina 

cheers Mark

My e-mail reply:Mark, you were spot on. I read your article again, and all the other recommendations, after I had dived deeper into the dark waters and hidden corners of my own psyche. It seems as if I received a gift in the form of stumbling upon the magazine, unconsciously responding to my feelings of rage by my incomplete comments - and then seeing that none of that rage made sense anymore! But of course it had its base, and in uncovering that in the past few days I began healing at last.Your article was an important trigger, and your comments rightly addressed my blind spots.I hope that my personal story could help facilitate healing for more women, too. 

Writing an article in response to what have been said between us and what I’ve discovered in the aftermath would be an honor.

I began already. The full moon was too powerful and I couldn’t sleep for so much inspiration coming my way. I’d like to take my time with the content and edits so It’s easy on the eye for native English speakers to read! :)What are the guidelines? How many words?Would that be published in print or only on the web? If, then when? 

I am at once surprised, thankful and excited by your mature character. I know I want to shift my focus away from unaware and emotionally unintelligent male species and start seeing what else is there. Getting to the core of my beliefs is crucial.
My piece would be mostly about anger and about cultural conditionings.
The link to the French view of #metoo was excellent, since I’ve lived in France and very much adapted at that time, yet hated men still. Could that be my Czech roots? Who knows, as my questionable identification with that nationality would make for another chapter. Nevertheless, I was undoubtedly influenced by my parents’ upbringing!I particularly liked excerpts from “On rage” by Germaine Greer and researching more about her.Also, a great song by the way! Rings true...

I look forward to hearing about the template and the deadline.Thank you for this opportunity to contribute! I’d love to promote yours and any women’s causes.

Best Regards,Pavlina

The article on Sexual abuse can be found here:

http://byronbodyandsoul.com/articles/metoo-sexual-abuse-abuse-power/