Communicating vulnerably

I’d like to share more of myself; more of the real life that goes on under the surface.

Things weren't great at my end... 

Sure enough, I am writing this after glimpsing a little light at the end of a tunnel today at last. However, I had been contemplating to share already in the midst of all that frickin' despair that came over me this week. Sharing during real-time hardships is still a very vulnerable spot for me!

However...

I undertook an insightful course on communication the last weekend in Sydney. 

What I learned changes everything! 

Yes, we humans suck at communication, and I dare to say that all my past and present problems were/are based on misunderstandings and the lack of sincere communication - sharing where one's coming from.

Sounds simple but... let's put it into practice:

I called my mum... I just dialed the phone number (In the end it cost me $120 AUD, shocking, but... who cares, a ticket back home is 15x as much!)

"Hey mum... I would like to apologize for neglecting you all those years and not sharing my life with you. I'd like to let you know that it was not your fault, you have not failed as a mother, it was me. I was stuck in the past, afraid of your judgment and punishing you by isolating myself and keeping everything a top secret. I love you, always have.." And so it goes... I'm changing my approach. My strategy for self-protection, if not self-defense, my withholding... no one needs that crap.

My mum doesn't need to know 'details'. She deserves facts, as per the above.

I am not helping anyone by withdrawing myself and always - always - pretending that I've got my shit together. That is why I love asking about other people's lives first. I submerge in their drama so my turn wouldn't get to come.  Please, don't pass me the ball by asking - "And how have you been?" Coz I'd say: "Good".

It became such a habit that I started to believe no one cared. I would wave off my worries in front of others and drink wine at home, feeling like a fraud. Just NEVER ever ask for help, Pavlina, just don't ask for anything - You got this! And another glass would follow.

The only person (apart from my sister) with whom I've been real the whole time, a stranger to whom I strangely trusted right away when I first met him in 2016 - is RALF.  It's not his real name, so let's stick with R. And I mean super-honest, raw, fucked up and sharing my life in an authentic way - even if just through passing on a link to this blog.

On the evening that I met him, I already felt like it was too late to show him 'perfection'; therefore, I hadn't even started.

Why are we being real only when there's nothing to lose?

I fear losing people's trust; them believing in me. I fear that showing my weaknesses makes me a pathetic mentor.

Yet, the truth is: I’ve been struggling in possibly every area of my life ever since entering Australia. 

I am overcoming my own obstacles and I qualify to help those who are not - but not sharing my present sadness seems to lead a bad example.

This is my time to be fearlessly vulnerable.

Being unable to get over my ex's abandoning me for so long, damaged my willpower. But why am I still caught up in the story of a lonely girl? What I really don't know is why he still crosses my mind here and there and why it still hurts that he wasn't the guy who delivered and made love look real! 

The reasons for not letting him go spiritually could be a soul-tie, a curse, or going through all those love and work transitions all alone in his homeland. It’s not been easy living so far from my family and my best friends. IT SUCKS. 

Sometimes I think that if I had savings, I would give up whatever I have been chasing over here and go. One way ticket.

That's how lonely I feel.

One of my best friends (E.) got married last weekend on the Greek islands and I couldn’t even be there with her. If life was easy and simple, I would fly there for the wedding and back in a couple of weeks; if life was even easier and simpler, I'd probably already have a holiday home there with a helicopter pad (which I wouldn't use for my arrival from down under.) 

Not hugging her on her important day brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel sorry.

Sorry for the fact that I chose to leave home and follow 'love', when love has turned its back on me. 

Sorry to admit that two years in I still haven't made it here. I am not a successful 'entrepreneur', I don't want a 'normal' job, neither I got married. I am more likely just a woman in her best years... wasting them.

I miss E., I miss my other best friend O., my sister and my mum.

I've been living abroad since the age of 18 and I would never quite miss anything from back at home.

This time is so different. I miss my Uni years when truly bonding with my classmates, earning a good income and being a part of a loving community.  I’ve been missing people like crazy ever since.

I don’t even care that I got chubby whilst looking after little kids. We all had a blast gorging on biscuits, toasts with peanut butter, vegemite and honey and all that other stuff one shouldn’t have, apparently. 

Nevertheless, ever since finding out that I couldn't transfer between campuses and thus, I flee Sydney earlier (more on that later), I moved to Matt's place. I feel more empowered and motivated when independent, close to a gym and in charge of my own routine. I think I already lost 2 kilos!

Matt is a guy who gave me a ride some time in August-September and I couldn't get rid of him since. He found me the Tropical commune which brought me many backpacking friends. I got saved by a man once again! 

His wit is one of a kind. Not only he cracks me up but he also gives me a slap on the cheek with his courageous opinions. [about me]. I wonder where he takes the assurance that I won't shoot him for those one day!

But he is right, It's time to see my life as an adventure and be grateful again- for fuck's sake!

Matt doesn't live here, but others do. The rent is cheap and the place is in the center of Darwin's CBD. It is filthy but I actually want to clean... I need to find work that would distract me from myself - fast.

It's been a few days without wine, coffee, sugar, and not moving... so I want to stress that I AM implementing my own medicine. I recognized the signs of a mild depression (that could have been seasonal) so it is time to shine the light on those gaps. Writing 'Transitioning' helped me see that my sensitive personality is a blessing. The book also serves as a constant reminder that I ought to work hard on picking myself up each time I fall. We all do. Wallowing in pain or ending it in fatal and selfish ways are for weaklings and losers.

Today's weather brightened my mood. The dry season has arrived! My hair will stay straight-to-wavy, we won't need to use the aircon, and there might be lively backpackers around again. Who cares that I'll be stuck in Darwin for at least one more term when we've got the Mindil beach markets back on!

My SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) has officially ended.

--> Oops I did it again, waved off my worries like if they were not happening!

Thank you, my reader, for bearing a witness to my vulnerability...

P.S.: Some fears give us a nudge in the right direction - we need to do this now, otherwise, an opportunity for growth would pass us by...

Likewise, I know that I need to push through the fear that subtly excites me - gives me butterflies in the stomach; but some 'fear' is, in fact, an intuition. It tells us that we are not to do it. That fear is like an unsure 'Nah...'

Sydney was that for me, that Nah, I don't feel it...

Never say never, but - not yet.

When Matthew McConaughey talks like God

If you have 5-6 minutes, please watch this video. 
Matthew's insight blew my mind for one simple reason - It spoke to my soul. 

I often struggle to see who EXACTLY I am - or should be (yes, the latter is BS.)
Getting clear about who EXACTLY I was NOT, however, has caused many breakthroughs throughout my life and helped mobilize me towards the direction of who I wanted to be. 

For example, I knew I loved traveling and dancing. Working as an exotic dancer all over the world did the trick for a while - but one day I woke up and I knew that it wasn't me anymore. Identities change, but the desire to live happily remains. What would follow next wasn't as important as the realization that I couldn't stay where I was.
"The process of elimination" as Matthew calls it, has been far more powerful in creating more of what I wanted, than staying where I didn't belong whilst figuring out where I did.

Children

Yesterday, hours before being released from the temporary 'full-time mum's prison', I would have written something like this:

Children… How could I've ever considered that option at all?
Perhaps my idealistic personality...
Maybe society and media...
My grandmother.

The reality is that some women are better off not having children.

In fact, the unborn souls must be better off not being born to these women.
I might be one of those not-so-fit-for-motherhood women.

I am impatient and selfish. (To sound like Marylin Monroe, I should also add: a little insecure)

I am no mum.

Raising children is a huuuuuge commitment.
A day to day full-time job with hardly any breaks (even during the toilet one you’re seldom alone.)
It gets super-boring at times and sometimes you just wish you could run away or be killed.
Let alone how frustrating little kids are - like dealing with dumb people!
It is true though. For the first few years of raising children, you’ll be dealing with stupid little people.
They’ll make a mess everywhere and you’ll be their maid.
They’ll do the opposite of what you say.
They’ll feel entitled to all that their ID wants.
You’ll have to explain everything a hundred times and then answer every 'why'. 
E. g. : “Why is it so light outside?”

“because the sun is out”

“but why”

“because it’s the day and not the night”

“why?”

“because the planet is spinning and now we are turned to the sun.”

“but why?”

“Because.”

The subsequent years, when they grow up and will think for themselves, they most likely won’t speak to you at all.

I e-mail my parents once in 2 months.
Yes, some contact still must be nice for them and maybe my sister and I still manage to make our parents feel proud some days - 
Oops, would I miss out on the 'proud side' of parenthood if childless?? 
Is that why people have children - to feel proud that they conceived a pride-worthy human being? 
All in all, my clients make me feel proud, plus we can have a decent conversation together at any time.

I love those little girls. I love to cuddle them or dance with them, even consoling them on occasions. P. and B. are kind, sweet and gorgeous and I’m sure they’ll do their best to grow up into amazing women.

But now they are too small, stupid and a bloody hard work.
B.: "Look I did a wee-wee with a poo in it!" - shuffling the potty under my nose.
B.: "What room is this?"

"P.'s bedroom." (P. is B.'s little sister who just woke up from her afternoon nap.)

B.:"Wow, it’s pretty!"  As if she’s never seen it before.

Painting B.'s nails again:
"Don't touch anything, keep your hand on the table for a minute." Immediately, she starts fidgeting and touching everything else.
"Look! It’s scratched!!!! " then she begins to whine and haul….

P. suddenly smashes B.'s lunch plate off the table. 
B. starts a tantrum.
Every food or a plate P. gets into her hand she drops on the floor. Never a toy, but food. Ideally, something that can’t be picked up and restored, but something mashy and sauced up it’s best.

When I put them in the bathtub to play with their water toys and little cups etc., generally, that goes quite well. Sometimes, however, little P. takes a plastic jug and decides to carry all the water out of the tub onto the floor...

If I start to skip and tell B. to move away, she deliberately runs into me.
I tell her that she can’t skip because she'd hurt herself. She starts screaming and fighting with me before she runs back into the house to hide herself.

OMG, can they cry! They both cry at least 5 times per hour!

If they don’t cry, they chase one another around the table screeching like rats.

Looking after the girls the first half of the day before their dad comes back is doable only because it is temporary. Their mum has been away for a few days but she's returning soon. It has been full on. By now I got the gist of it and I am myself surprised how well I’m doing with them. Regardless, I see that I have no capacity to do this again and again and definitely not in the near future with children of my own.

I guess that God brought me this situation so I can sensibly assess my abilities..
I can’t play a mother.
Not even now when I’m nearing 31 years. I can have kids here and there but please, not full time! Had I decided to have a kid at the same age my mum did, they would have been 7 years old now. I just can’t imagine…You might be wondering, while condemning this loose woman, where will I give back to make the world a better place?

My answer: Grown up humans.
I can’t see why I would bring another little person into this world -  what for? We keep breeding, but the world is already full of children and some will grow up fucked up.

Face it, people. There is a massive chance that your kids will grow up into fucked up adults who’ll one day scream in your face: “I didn’t ask you to have me!”

Not all of them. Some might become your best friends and you’ll feel like a million dollars. Perhaps it is because your other, unrelated, friends don’t quite have enough time for you.

Some children might grow up the next Einstein or Picasso. That would be cool.

I’m not sure if I trust my genes enough to birth someone extraordinary - so do I want another monster constantly behind my back? No.

I am going to keep striving to make a difference in the lives of those who are already aware of their damaged selves, or they might feel just fine but need a bit of spice in their life. 
This current adult society creates a future for our current children. It starts with us - the call for an internal change, conscious behavior and educating those grown-ups who might be lost but ready to find themselves.

--------------------------

Today:

Nah, looking after the kids wasn't  s o  b a d! 
Do you need my help again? - A n y t i m e!
To have my own children? 
Aah... who knows what's waiting around the corner, r i g h t?!

I guess we tend to see stuff brighter the next day.
Their mum arrived in the morning, I got the kids out of bed, but then I was free to do as I pleased. We all had a lovely afternoon at the Howard Springs in spite of the girls behaving just as naughty as always.

Children... I guess it's one of those decisions you can't think about too much. Otherwise, the human race would stand a chance of becoming extinct!

Own kids or not, I will always be grateful for having found such a great family. x

What is it like having fun as a celibate?

I'm still not sure how best to word what I'm feeling regarding my last year's decision: Not to date. Not-dating makes things much more simple!
Going celibate mid of November was the best spiritual decision I could fashion for my wellbeing. I admit that I've made a couple of not so wise choices shortly afterward or got too close to breaking that promise to myself - but hey, no one said that winning over a form of addition would be easy! 
I was addicted to distracting myself from doing my own deep inner work by jumping into superficial affairs. I focused too much on others, especially men.
When the withdrawal symptoms ceased (February), I finally began to enjoy finding my own voice. Welcome, A Balanced Life!

I've made similar choices in the past already: I would stop socializing in order to avoid potential idiots breaking my heart, I would punish myself with a 3-4 month celibacy to prove to my ex that I could do it and was better than him (I hated it), and I would abstain from sex here and there when literally afraid of or disgusted by 'all men'. It never lasted long enough because the motivation never dealt with the real reason for my need to recoup. It wasn't men!

The past decisions seemed insincere; and therefore, wobbly. Perhaps the conscious focus on abstinence and - suffering - was just another excuse to stagnate in creating the life I always wanted. I didn't abstain for myself, but for someone else or out of a fear.
This is not the case this time.
I adore and love men. I know my life would be incomplete if I didn't have someone to share it with (it could be a woman actually, who knows).
This year, however, the focus is on restoring my body&mind connection, self-esteem and personal will, and finally creating the kind of career I would love. I am still not clear on the details regarding the latter, but I am in ACTION. Of course - I wait for a divine guidance too, but meanwhile, I'm also remembering to live.

Last night after work, I had a spontaneous drink with someone relentless but quite charming. I know that "receiving" comes into life in many forms so I accepted the offer for a free drink (or two). I  planned to ride off home shortly afterward. 
A good reason to leave turned up just in time for my bedtime. The guy looked so shocked upon hearing me say that the next drink he may get me, as he was so keen, would be just some water. He thought I was taking the piss. 
"What?"
"Because I don't want to wake up with a hangover. Do you like hangovers??" 
"No I hate it. So what do you want?"
"Water."
"You are zero fun"
I thought: What am I still doing here...?
"See ya!"

The best part is that the lad didn't even manage to get my phone number before I run off. Excellent night. My evening shift was fun, the drinks and karaoke later were fun... 
Celibacy, not dating, but still having a bit of social life is working like a charm for my freedom-minded personality!

When November 2018 rolls around, I will probably be still single.
Will I go maniacal? 
Of course not, it's been a few days short of 5 months already and I'm not deprived nor starved; the opposite. I want more of this!
It only just started to be interesting.