Children

Yesterday, hours before being released from the temporary 'full-time mum's prison', I would have written something like this:

Children… How could I've ever considered that option at all?
Perhaps my idealistic personality...
Maybe society and media...
My grandmother.

The reality is that some women are better off not having children.

In fact, the unborn souls must be better off not being born to these women.
I might be one of those not-so-fit-for-motherhood women.

I am impatient and selfish. (To sound like Marylin Monroe, I should also add: a little insecure)

I am no mum.

Raising children is a huuuuuge commitment.
A day to day full-time job with hardly any breaks (even during the toilet one you’re seldom alone.)
It gets super-boring at times and sometimes you just wish you could run away or be killed.
Let alone how frustrating little kids are - like dealing with dumb people!
It is true though. For the first few years of raising children, you’ll be dealing with stupid little people.
They’ll make a mess everywhere and you’ll be their maid.
They’ll do the opposite of what you say.
They’ll feel entitled to all that their ID wants.
You’ll have to explain everything a hundred times and then answer every 'why'. 
E. g. : “Why is it so light outside?”

“because the sun is out”

“but why”

“because it’s the day and not the night”

“why?”

“because the planet is spinning and now we are turned to the sun.”

“but why?”

“Because.”

The subsequent years, when they grow up and will think for themselves, they most likely won’t speak to you at all.

I e-mail my parents once in 2 months.
Yes, some contact still must be nice for them and maybe my sister and I still manage to make our parents feel proud some days - 
Oops, would I miss out on the 'proud side' of parenthood if childless?? 
Is that why people have children - to feel proud that they conceived a pride-worthy human being? 
All in all, my clients make me feel proud, plus we can have a decent conversation together at any time.

I love those little girls. I love to cuddle them or dance with them, even consoling them on occasions. P. and B. are kind, sweet and gorgeous and I’m sure they’ll do their best to grow up into amazing women.

But now they are too small, stupid and a bloody hard work.
B.: "Look I did a wee-wee with a poo in it!" - shuffling the potty under my nose.
B.: "What room is this?"

"P.'s bedroom." (P. is B.'s little sister who just woke up from her afternoon nap.)

B.:"Wow, it’s pretty!"  As if she’s never seen it before.

Painting B.'s nails again:
"Don't touch anything, keep your hand on the table for a minute." Immediately, she starts fidgeting and touching everything else.
"Look! It’s scratched!!!! " then she begins to whine and haul….

P. suddenly smashes B.'s lunch plate off the table. 
B. starts a tantrum.
Every food or a plate P. gets into her hand she drops on the floor. Never a toy, but food. Ideally, something that can’t be picked up and restored, but something mashy and sauced up it’s best.

When I put them in the bathtub to play with their water toys and little cups etc., generally, that goes quite well. Sometimes, however, little P. takes a plastic jug and decides to carry all the water out of the tub onto the floor...

If I start to skip and tell B. to move away, she deliberately runs into me.
I tell her that she can’t skip because she'd hurt herself. She starts screaming and fighting with me before she runs back into the house to hide herself.

OMG, can they cry! They both cry at least 5 times per hour!

If they don’t cry, they chase one another around the table screeching like rats.

Looking after the girls the first half of the day before their dad comes back is doable only because it is temporary. Their mum has been away for a few days but she's returning soon. It has been full on. By now I got the gist of it and I am myself surprised how well I’m doing with them. Regardless, I see that I have no capacity to do this again and again and definitely not in the near future with children of my own.

I guess that God brought me this situation so I can sensibly assess my abilities..
I can’t play a mother.
Not even now when I’m nearing 31 years. I can have kids here and there but please, not full time! Had I decided to have a kid at the same age my mum did, they would have been 7 years old now. I just can’t imagine…You might be wondering, while condemning this loose woman, where will I give back to make the world a better place?

My answer: Grown up humans.
I can’t see why I would bring another little person into this world -  what for? We keep breeding, but the world is already full of children and some will grow up fucked up.

Face it, people. There is a massive chance that your kids will grow up into fucked up adults who’ll one day scream in your face: “I didn’t ask you to have me!”

Not all of them. Some might become your best friends and you’ll feel like a million dollars. Perhaps it is because your other, unrelated, friends don’t quite have enough time for you.

Some children might grow up the next Einstein or Picasso. That would be cool.

I’m not sure if I trust my genes enough to birth someone extraordinary - so do I want another monster constantly behind my back? No.

I am going to keep striving to make a difference in the lives of those who are already aware of their damaged selves, or they might feel just fine but need a bit of spice in their life. 
This current adult society creates a future for our current children. It starts with us - the call for an internal change, conscious behavior and educating those grown-ups who might be lost but ready to find themselves.

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Today:

Nah, looking after the kids wasn't  s o  b a d! 
Do you need my help again? - A n y t i m e!
To have my own children? 
Aah... who knows what's waiting around the corner, r i g h t?!

I guess we tend to see stuff brighter the next day.
Their mum arrived in the morning, I got the kids out of bed, but then I was free to do as I pleased. We all had a lovely afternoon at the Howard Springs in spite of the girls behaving just as naughty as always.

Children... I guess it's one of those decisions you can't think about too much. Otherwise, the human race would stand a chance of becoming extinct!

Own kids or not, I will always be grateful for having found such a great family. x