MY BREAK-UP AND BREAKTHROUGH

I have been through breakups many times, and yes, none of those has hurt as much as the last one (but they all sucked). Even though it wasn't at all my longest relationship, it was a crazy, passionate and very intense romance where I learned the most about myself and about relationships.

My digging and the uncomfortable talks started last year in December 2015, culminated in January and in mid February I left him. But first he had left me, unknowingly.
Feel free for a moment to imagine what happened - 
Maybe the real deal-breaker is not so important. We just argued and then we split up. Maybe something smaller or bigger happened, and I blew it out of proportions. Maybe trust issues. Maybe nothing happened, so we finished. Fill in the blank.

What if I told you that infidelity is ABSOLUTELY forgivable, what if I told you it is also forgettable. What if I told you, it can be automatic, natural and of course, misunderstood. But maybe you are still hurting and thus can't comprehend my new perspective. 

Despite this attitude, I don't consent to be with someone who's words cannot be trusted. Period. 
Likewise, I don't want another man who is quick to stray or addicted to a female company. 

If there should be one 'good' reason for our breakup - 
I NEEDED TO CHANGE.
The way I found out the truth about everything seemed evil. The road felt so icky, so fucked up and dangerous to my wellbeing that it made me wonder hadn't it been better left undiscovered, buried under the ground. But it was inevitable. 
I needed to deal with some old issues of mine.
I needed to change my way of living to finally start attracting the kind of men I had been dreaming about. Not the kinds I was meeting and trying to fix.
I didn't give the relationship the real me anyway, and he mirrored the scraps I was willing the gamble with.
My whole organism sensed something was up. Something was not working for us anymore. I was sick of living in denial of the reality. Not about his actions (which damn hurt) - but my life was out of sync with my own values. The person he was only mirrored the person I had become. The reflection wasn't pretty.

We continued the communication while living separately - the very painful communication full of contempt from my side. I used some hurtful, poisonous words that were ringing in his ears for too long after the battle was over. I acted vindictive, righteous in my own wrongdoings, but I still made myself the victim. I took all his actions and turned them against me. As though whatever he has ever said or done without my permission was an act against me - a violation of my sweetness. I turned so sour that my past sweetness must have been a long lost illusion. Where was the kind and compassionate girl?

In May 2016 I blocked his number. I rejected him for good. I enjoyed some time off from thinking about him at first. In about 5 weeks things seemed a bit lighter. I unblocked him and tried his feelings again. They were there. 
And another woman too.
The rest is a history. Not a happy times! I was being gently rejected over and over again. In September my brain fog started to lift.
Today (October, 2016), the past is forgiven and the present shows me clearly I am no longer wanted as a girlfriend. Friend maybe. Does it bother me?  No. Mm, not like before. At last. Love remains. Whether he is the kind who transformed and is to be trusted now, I don't know. I didn't get the chance to discover.
However, I changed.

His new relationship is not going great. Sometimes it makes me sickly happy, other times I compassionately wish he'd do something about this viscious cycle of meeting the same lost women.

Was he worth my tears and pain? Of course not. I believe we shouldn't suffer that much because of another human being's actions. The truth is, he couldn't know how his actions would impact me. He couldn't know my pain. He felt genuinely sorry, but nothing he said or did could stop it. It was my battle. Battle with the old me. Only I and the Divine know what it felt like to face my fears, low self-esteem, jealousy, addictions (emotional and legal ones. But they shouldn't be [legal]) and dysfunctional beliefs. Scary.

I love him, and I love myself. I have my own life now and I am welcoming the new every day.
Sometimes I miss him and the good times, but I know what we had cannot be recreated and should stay in my heart as it is. The past pain was self-inflicted and it is not real in the present. I am grateful for my lessons.
Someone conscious once said, what is not real changes, what is real doesn't change. Even your pain, I am sure, fluctuates throughout the day, therefore, it can't be real or a given thing. It will change for you. The longing changes too. So what does remain? It starts with L. And you are allowed to feel it, even if you resist it, or if the other person doesn't want you/ is not worth it/ doesn't exist/ did a messed up thing, or even if you don't feel it at all because you don't know it.
You are still allowed to love. Anything. Anyone.

I am here to assist you with your healing.
It is a wonderful journey full of tears and some crazy ideas.

Feel free to have a look into my uncensored diary.


Beware, it gets messy at times!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Let me know what you think, what you are getting for yourself out of this post, or what you are not getting...

Note: If you are concerned about my non-native grammar, you can contact me and volunteer to become my editor.