I am not baring it all because I seek acceptance or admiration in any case. I just know that I will help many by modeling truthfulness, adventure, self-love, embraced sexuality, new beginnings, and ownership of one's decisions.
So perhaps it's redemption I seek.
The urge to voice my truth and the extraordinariness of the past has become unbearable. I am aware that whatever I have done, and what I’m doing by writing this secret out can have an impact on many people. The ones who knew me as a saint, might cringe, the ones who have always known me as a sinner, will nod and smile, and the ones who have yet to meet me, may they be healed and empowered by my boldness to share my story. I wish for others to live fearlessly to make their own lives more authentic, rich and blissful than they've ever imagined possible.
I know that not everybody will like me, and that’s ok, because I like me. And I am sure I would like you too.
In March 2017, I’m going to celebrate one year of staying true to my new calling. This new calling is to be real and honest with people, to care about them, and heal them with my lessons learned, my hands, my energy, my love, and respect towards their individual journeys.
My previous calling was healing people through my privates (yes, my vagina) and the vital life force, which I didn’t know how to conserve and control at times, so I frequently burnt out.
The trouble wasn’t as much with the nature of my work as with the stigma surrounding it that brought about feelings of guilt, inadequacy, punishment, unworthiness, and occasional self-loathing.
I had led a double life as I felt obliged to sacrifice my family ties, my social life and romantic relationships to that higher calling of working as a prostitute (dancer, escort, call girl, whore).
In spite of the social agreement that prostitution is dirty and unacceptable coming between me and everything else, I led quite a purposeful life for the most part of the era.
Especially in the later years when I cut down on the drinking and I attuned to my heart and the hearts of my clients more. The transformation was a long and scary process, but today I love every single bit of that past. I learned to love myself and my own company, thus I'm naturally grateful for all that has led to this moment.
Let’s clear two common misconceptions before I go further.
The urge to voice my truth and the extraordinariness of the past has become unbearable. I am aware that whatever I have done, and what I’m doing by writing this secret out can have an impact on many people. The ones who knew me as a saint, might cringe, the ones who have always known me as a sinner, will nod and smile, and the ones who have yet to meet me, may they be healed and empowered by my boldness to share my story. I wish for others to live fearlessly to make their own lives more authentic, rich and blissful than they've ever imagined possible.
I know that not everybody will like me, and that’s ok, because I like me. And I am sure I would like you too.
In March 2017, I’m going to celebrate one year of staying true to my new calling. This new calling is to be real and honest with people, to care about them, and heal them with my lessons learned, my hands, my energy, my love, and respect towards their individual journeys.
My previous calling was healing people through my privates (yes, my vagina) and the vital life force, which I didn’t know how to conserve and control at times, so I frequently burnt out.
The trouble wasn’t as much with the nature of my work as with the stigma surrounding it that brought about feelings of guilt, inadequacy, punishment, unworthiness, and occasional self-loathing.
I had led a double life as I felt obliged to sacrifice my family ties, my social life and romantic relationships to that higher calling of working as a prostitute (dancer, escort, call girl, whore).
In spite of the social agreement that prostitution is dirty and unacceptable coming between me and everything else, I led quite a purposeful life for the most part of the era.
Especially in the later years when I cut down on the drinking and I attuned to my heart and the hearts of my clients more. The transformation was a long and scary process, but today I love every single bit of that past. I learned to love myself and my own company, thus I'm naturally grateful for all that has led to this moment.
Let’s clear two common misconceptions before I go further.
The majority of prostitutes I knew or still know who work from their own will, whether in strip clubs, brothels or from websites, are the cleanest sexually active people out there.
For example, they always shower before and after sex and always, always insist on using protection. In the places I formerly worked, there was a "No exchange of body fluids" policy - you know what that means.
Sex workers have to get tested at least every 3 months. I had always known I was clean, but seeing that in black & white was a necessity for my peace of mind. Do the young 'party bimbos' out there bother with all that?
The second most common stigma is that prostitutes are uneducated. Yes, there are some. The same goes for some salespeople in shops. Similarly, like some of your nut-headed colleagues, or the uneducated rich people about whom you have always wondered how could they've been so lucky to get themselves on top without any degree?
We no longer live in the middle ages. We can freely decide whether we want to study and strive to become successful by the number of diplomas we collect, or not study and be happy on a farm, or happy in a chairman position due to hard work, smart networking, good luck, or by prostituting ourselves. What lies behind a person’s success is their individual journey and their amount of SELF-ESTEEM.
For example, they always shower before and after sex and always, always insist on using protection. In the places I formerly worked, there was a "No exchange of body fluids" policy - you know what that means.
Sex workers have to get tested at least every 3 months. I had always known I was clean, but seeing that in black & white was a necessity for my peace of mind. Do the young 'party bimbos' out there bother with all that?
The second most common stigma is that prostitutes are uneducated. Yes, there are some. The same goes for some salespeople in shops. Similarly, like some of your nut-headed colleagues, or the uneducated rich people about whom you have always wondered how could they've been so lucky to get themselves on top without any degree?
We no longer live in the middle ages. We can freely decide whether we want to study and strive to become successful by the number of diplomas we collect, or not study and be happy on a farm, or happy in a chairman position due to hard work, smart networking, good luck, or by prostituting ourselves. What lies behind a person’s success is their individual journey and their amount of SELF-ESTEEM.
I am not yet where I want to be, but I feel I succeeded in many areas and right now I feel happy with the way things are going.
Having gotten out of the sex industry, why do I still advocate that working as a prostitute in the West is a job - and most importantly a choice which should be respected without hasty prior judgment?
- To be clear, I don't wish upon anyone to fall into that profession unconsciously and to be unhappy there. I was miserable towards the end. Now I hope to lead women out of it if they are ready! -
Why do I feel as though sex workers are deserving of the same rights as other employees and citizens?
I think the answers are self-explanatory. Prostitutes are human beings, additionally; they harm no one by what they do - but themselves if they don't do it with their emotional and physical wellbeing in mind.
Sex will be always on demand, and people with enough money will always want to execute their power further beyond their corporate 'empire'. It is for this dynamic that prostitution has started thousands of years ago, continues, and it's going to stay in some form or another.
There are other questions surrounding this line of work. Like - and I get asked that all the time - can prostitutes still enjoy free sex with partners outside of work?
I say, hell yeah! I don’t know any past or present sex worker who is frigid. Obviously, there are burnouts, but they are treatable. Despite money being the reason for starting, no normal girl joins this 'party'.
On the other hand, being sexually charged doesn't compel sex workers to have free sex, neither to have any kind of sex (paid) daily. They could, but it depends! Regarding myself, I used to worry I could have been addicted to sex, but most likely I wasn't. I am not a nympho.
I am addicted to love!
Burnouts are useful warning signs to re-center and come back to loving ourselves a tad more than everybody else. Their lengths vary, but the same goes for other jobs.
Whenever I succumbed to depression or anxiety in my hideout in the past, I knew it was due to: 1. Lying to the ones I loved; 2. Working at nights, drinking and sleeping too little; 3. Saying "yes" when I wanted to say "no".
I struggled to see who I was. One day I'd enjoy my work and feel so grateful for my mental and physical stamina to be able to do it, then the next day I didn't wanna see, hear, or smell anyone near me.
I couldn't live with or without my work, yet I couldn't appreciate myself for neither. Anything I did or didn't do just wasn't good enough for me. It wasn't about the job, the people, or my upbringing... It was about me and my day to day beliefs and actions based on my belief choices.
Burnouts are useful warning signs to re-center and come back to loving ourselves a tad more than everybody else. Their lengths vary, but the same goes for other jobs.
Whenever I succumbed to depression or anxiety in my hideout in the past, I knew it was due to: 1. Lying to the ones I loved; 2. Working at nights, drinking and sleeping too little; 3. Saying "yes" when I wanted to say "no".
I struggled to see who I was. One day I'd enjoy my work and feel so grateful for my mental and physical stamina to be able to do it, then the next day I didn't wanna see, hear, or smell anyone near me.
I couldn't live with or without my work, yet I couldn't appreciate myself for neither. Anything I did or didn't do just wasn't good enough for me. It wasn't about the job, the people, or my upbringing... It was about me and my day to day beliefs and actions based on my belief choices.
So, I worked as an escort. Then one day I woke up and realized it wasn’t me anymore.
I am at peace with my past.
Additionally, I feel qualified in many areas outside of the bedroom too. I am a kind humanitarian, good at marketing and communication, and I learned to relate and counsel people without an official counseling degree (working on that one).
Besides other ideas, I would love to empower women to embrace their sexuality and their life decisions.
If I'm not a paid whore anymore, and I do not want to go back to it, then the most relevant questions right now are:
Who do I choose to become next? And how can I help those who are stuck where they don't belong?
Additionally, I feel qualified in many areas outside of the bedroom too. I am a kind humanitarian, good at marketing and communication, and I learned to relate and counsel people without an official counseling degree (working on that one).
Besides other ideas, I would love to empower women to embrace their sexuality and their life decisions.
If I'm not a paid whore anymore, and I do not want to go back to it, then the most relevant questions right now are:
Who do I choose to become next? And how can I help those who are stuck where they don't belong?
The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.
By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved
No comments:
Post a Comment
Let me know what you think, what you are getting for yourself out of this post, or what you are not getting...
Note: If you are concerned about my non-native grammar, you can contact me and volunteer to become my editor.